Squatting the Puke Out of Myself

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not as physically active as I was a year ago. However, I do my best to go to the gym on a daily basis. The gym I attend has decent equipment and the membership fees are fairly reasonable. The down sides to the gym are two fold. First, its members consist of the ugliest people in the entire country. A female armadillo would look hot in this gym should one ever decide to join. Second, the gym is infested with sleeve monsters. As a result, it is pretty tough to get changed and into the gym before your sleeves disappear. Because of the sleeve monsters, I like to get in and get out in under an hour. I thought this would give me the results I desired but I feel I’m not measuring up to the sleeveless monkeys who workout next to me. As a result, I did some research and came to the conclusion that I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. Consequently, I have embedded the provided video into my brain so that I will always know how to push the limits of my body and hopefully end up as fit as the guy in the video.

Perfect Parenting

I came across this video a couple of days ago and it is worth a watch because of its reassuring message.

Out of all the movies a grade 2 class could recreate I can’t think of a more perfect choice!  This was a bang on recreation of not only the dialogue from this famous Scarface scene but it is also a bang on recreation of the Scarface set.  Note the pile of popcorn on the desk replacing the giant pile of coke that is on Tony’s desk in the actual movie… Perfect!

There are a couple of things that really spoke to me when watching this video.  I loved when the classic looking nerdy teacher was spotted on stage directing the armed small child towards his classmate so he could shoot him in the back.  While obtaining my Bachelor of  Education degree we were continuously told to encourage students to emulate gangsters, drug dealers and murders so props to this teacher for actually transferring the practicality of this message into the actual classroom.  I also really enjoyed the line from Tony, “I’ve got a fudging joke for a wife.”  I think this is a perfect message to send to young boys.  These young kids are going to be men some day and the sooner they learn the appropriate way to talk to women the better.  So, I think it’s safe to say these kids are on the right track.  The last point of note is that it’s great to see parents so enthused about their children’s school play.  My parent’s always attended my bush school plays and acted like they were enthused… I’m sure they weren’t… well I’m sure at least half of them weren’t that enthused but it was always nice to see them in the crowd.  These kids clearly have the same support I had as a young lad.  However, their parents did provide them with something my parents never did.  I don’t recall my parents ever whistling and yelling, “YEAH!” after I shot one of my buddies on stage and told him that he “fudged with the wrong guy.”

I guess the whole point of this post is to state that we can all rest easy knowing that kids are learning what they need to learn in school to become productive members of society upon their exit from an academic setting.  Today’s children are being nurtured by histories finest generation of teachers and parents who are clearly committed to fostering a greater human race.  I conclude this post knowing full well that the world is in good hands and we have nothing to fear.

Egg on My Face

I was in the middle of writing a post for my “blob” (that’s what my dad calls blogs) about how it is funny that there are updates for the flashlight app on the iphone.  For those that are unfamiliar with the app, it is an illuminated white screen that glows and can basically be used to find the change that falls out of your pocket during a movie.

I had written what I thought was a delightful little yarn about how ridiculous these updates were and the blob post took the form of that sweet Old Spice commercial with the guy walking on a log in a lake, then jumping off a waterfall, then riding a motorcycle in a hot tube… great commercial!  Anyway, I decided to look up the description of the flashlight app in the App Store to see what the description actually said.  To my amazement, I discovered that you have always been able to  customize your flashlight however you want.  Different colours, different shapes and patterns, you can make it strobe… the possibilities are endless!  Consequently, because the flashlight app has always been more then just a white screen my first blob creation turned out to be useless and a direct result of my own poor research.  Turns out I should have put in a little more time on Doogle… that’s what my dad calls Google.

Hey! Hey! Hey! What is Going on Here?

I was walking home from work today and I saw a driver-training car that was a smart car.  I thought that was a rather good choice for a driver-training car.  When you first learn to play soccer or basketball you learn with a smaller ball so it only makes sense that you learn how to drive with a smaller car.  It would definitely make learning to parallel park easier… well, for most of us… but not all (you know who you are).  Anyway, when I saw this tiny driver-training car I instantly thought of the driver-training car in Saved By the Bell.  Were they Derek Ferrel with that thing or what?  It was a three-wheeled golf cart and they actually drove it in the school.  What are you going to learn driving in Bayside High School? There are only two hallways and a staircase in that school and the hallways are both like 20 feet long.  There were a lot of hazards though.  Nerds climbing out of lockers, flying footballs, skateboarders and of course oil slicks from Slaters mullet.

The research staff at The Who Ball of Wax worked extensively and tirelessly to find the following clip so we can all recall just how budget and bush Saved By the Bell actually was.

Forest Fire Warning: EXTREME!

My gossip insider tells me that Lindsay Lohan’s first week in prison wasn’t the best.  I can’t really imagine prison being anything but sweet but apparently the criminals at Lynnwood Correctional Facility welcomed the 24-year-old gearbox by simultaneously chanting “Fire Crotch” from their respective cells.  Lohan was apparently so rattled by the situation she begged the prison guards for a new Venus Goddess razor so she could neutralize the situation.  The guards, rightfully skeptical of Lohan’s intentions, inquired if she planned to hurt herself with the razor.  Lohan assured them that her intentions were genuine. The guards then responded, “Liar, Liar, Crotch on Fire!” and promptly threw her in solitary confinement indefinitely… bush and all.

Man, prison sounds tough!

Rattling Cages

Every year I dread when the CFL season starts up and it’s not because I don’t like football.  I will watch an NFL game on Sundays but I just cannot get into watching or following the CFL. I have been to two CFL games in my life.  The first was the Grey Cup a few years back, which was actually kind of entertaining.  The second was the BC Lions home opener three years ago.  I recall watching one or two plays, the next thing I remembered were my buddies waking me up in the forth quarter so we could get an early start at the bar.  I have not been back to a CFL game since spending 50 bucks to take a nap.

There are two things that bother me the most about the CFL.  The first is that the CFL prides itself on having three down as opposed to four.  This is what makes the CFL junk in my opinion!  Having just three downs makes the league unbelievably predictable.  First down… run the ball.  Second down… throw the ball.  Third down… punt the ball.  I’m honestly not sure why quarterbacks even bother running the ball.  The field is the size of small lake so there is ample room for a receiver to find an open hole to catch the ball.   The CFL should just get rid of running backs entirely and add another receiver… that would be something to pride a league on.

The second thing that drives me crazy is that TSN’s coverage of the CFL is almost as extensive as their coverage of the NHL trade deadline (I’m not a fan of that either).  The CFL season occurs at a time when not much other then baseball is occurring in the sports world.  As a result, TSN has the time to debate and discuss the events of the CFL incessantly.  “What do the Eskimos have to do to win a game?” they discuss.  “Run the ball more.” “Pass the ball more.” “New coach to shuffle things up.” The CFL panel bats around all these ideas ALL THE TIME.  I don’t care about any of these ideas, their logic or reasoning.  Show me some golf highlights, a crash in racing, Serrina Williams’ huge ass, or John Daly’s huge ass.  I will take any type of sports highlight that does not show people with water melons on their heads, a practice at a high school football field, or a debate centered around the city of Ottawa trying to get yet another franchise and calling it the Roughriders…. “Ottawa, there are only seven names you can’t use and Roughriders is one of them… get that through your head!”

I’m Staying With My Boys

For those who have taken an interest in THE PACIFIC I suggest reading I’m Staying With My Boys: The Heroic Life of Sgt. John Basilone, USMC by Jim Proser.  This biography tells the story of Sgt. John Basilone who is one of the three main characters portrayed in THE PACIFIC.  The biography is written in the first person as if Proser is John Basilon himself.  Proser’s extensive research does an excellent job of capturing the mood and mindset of Basilon throughout his life right up to the moment he died on Iwo Jima.  This is a fine read for anyone looking to obtain more details about events portrayed in THE PACIFIC or the Pacific theater of war in general.  I typically hate reading books for pleasure but I thoroughly enjoyed this biography of one of the most decorated U. S. Marines of all time.

LGBT? Is that some kind of new sandwich?

With so much to do on the weekends in Halifax I struggled to pick between the two options yesterday.  After much pondering, I settled on taking in my second career Pride Parade.

The only previous Pride Parade I had ever attended was in Vancouver, which has a rather large and prominent LGBT community.  If I recall correctly, it was the 30^th Anniversary of the Pride Parade in the city and the Parade held nothing back as it went on for more then 2-hours.  The jaw dropping floats never stopped and if they did it was to make way for naked old men with rainbow wigs on their heads and overgrown pubs atop their wangs.  Despite the shock and awe of it all, I have always maintained that the Vancouver Pride Parade was the best and happiest parade I had ever been to.

With the Pride Parade in Vancouver entrenched in my memory, I was unsure of what to expect from the ass backwards residence of Halifax who fail to see the progressive benefits of replacing some busy stop light intersections with roundabouts.  With Halifax still thinking it’s 1950, I half expected to see the evangelical community to be standing along the parade route waving bibles and crosses shouting moronic sayings like, “It’s Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve!”  However, the community of Halifax pleasantly surprised me.  There was a very large and joyous crowd in attendance to show their support for the LGBT community.  People waving rainbow flags and wearing beads around their necks.  It was a nice parade and reassuring to see such large community support.

Although, I enjoyed the parade it was VERY tame in comparison to the Pride Parade I watched in Vancouver two years ago.  This is an outrageous thing for a straight guy to say, but it just wasn’t gay enough for me.  There were no floats loaded with greased up guys in nothing but tight gitch dancing wildly as if they were at a rave and not in the middle of a parade.  There were no women with boobs at their waists; in fact, there was no nudity at all.  The local Halifax gay bars did their best but it paled in comparison to what I saw in Vancouver.  It felt as though everyone was holding back and not totally comfortable participating and presenting themselves in the parade. It’s ok though… baby steps Halifax… baby steps.  Once we get that roundabout on Quinpool maybe we’ll get some gayer floats in the Pride Parade.

Fingers Crossed!

The Whole Ball of Wax salutes all the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) readers and non-readers out there.  May you all be comfortable in your own skin and receive the love and support of those who surround you.

Feel the Rain on Your Skin

Last week was the end of an era and I am not talking about the Chris Bosh era in Toronto.  I am talking about the end of The Hills.  The plotless reality showed aired its final episode last week, which left the LC on the verge of tears before the bizarre ending left her shacking her head like a cat that just had the shower turned on them.  I for one will miss The After Show’s montages of the cast saying ridiculous things in a loop and watching Stephanie Pratt getting dumber by the episode as her vocabulary shrunk by the sentence.  One more season and all she would have been able to say would be; I, like, know, totally and DUI.  It’s a little disappointing that I wont witness that.  Perhaps she will go mad like her brother and find a way to stay in the spotlight somehow.  Regardless, there are so many unanswered questions about the characters in The Hills.

Will Kristin actually move to Europe? Or does she not know where it is?  Does she know Europe is an entire continent and not a country?  Does she know that you need a visa to live in its various countries and that said visas take a while to obtain?  Maybe it’s the skeptic in me but I don’t see how it is possible to decide you are moving to Europe on Wednesday, have a going away party on Friday and leave on Saturday.

Will Brody finally settle down and become a one-woman man or is he a playboy for life?  What’s the deal with him and Avril?

Will Audrina every get over Justin Bobby?  Will her eyes ever be able to look straight ahead or will they always look at the ceiling?  Is moving 5 minutes out of Hollywood really going to change her life?  How can she afford that house on the beach?

Will Lo ever stop looking like a mouse?

How did Stacey the Bartender become a regular character on this show?  Is she still a bartender or did she quit her bartending job after becoming a regular?  I think she’s like a female Sam Malone and should have been portrayed as such on the show.

How come Spencer and Heidi just stopped being in the show?  Spencer was the only reason I watched it in the first place.  That guy is a totally fame whore that draws attention like a 50 car pile up.  I couldn’t look away for the longest time but his sudden departure from the show allowed me to… thank you MTV!

But that’s it… it’s over.  I will likely never get my answers to these questions and that is probably a good thing.  This was one of most mindless shows on television in the entire history of television and it deserved its termination.  I hope I never hear about any of these idiots and their fake lives again.  I should have my own reality show on MTV.  It could be called “The Fax” and could be about me writing pointless blog articles with my shirt off as I continuously try to keep my cat of my keyboard…  sounds dumb but it’s really no worse then the concept for The Hills.

Make it happen MTV!

“I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages—a chain of them.”

I was recently asked to write an article about Lindsay Lohan by one of my 7 fans.  Naturally, what my fans want my fans get.  This task turned out to be a little more difficult than first expected because as it turns out I know nothing about Lindsay Lohan other then she use to be covered in freckles but no longer is.  Consequently, I had to do some research and there is no better place to do research about Lindsay Lohan than on websites like TMZ, Perez Hilton and Oh No They Didn’t.  As it turns out, Lindsay Lohan basically went for a shit in 2007 and was never able to stop wiping.

It’s been more then three years since she dropped her pants and it looks like her dump will continue as she begins her 90 day jail sentence on Tuesday for being a gear box.  I’m not 100% sure why she has to go to jail but I think it has something to do with being a talentless actress and unsuccessful singer and thinking that gave her the right to get shit faced and drive as she pleased, abuse prescription medication, violate the terms of her probation as if the terms did not exist and pretend she was a lesbian.  Lindsay Lohan is an absolute stain on society that will likely learn little if anything from her time in prison.   All the SCRAM bracelets in the world will not alter this girl’s life style.  I propose a cinder block around the ankle and a swim in the Pacific.  If she makes it to shore, she might have a chance.