Archive for April, 2010

Putting the Ass in Class

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2010 by Jordan

It’s not often that something unbelievably revolutionary happens in sports, but today it did!  I was watching Sports Center this evening and the soccer highlights came on.  I understand the premises of soccer, I watch it during the World Cup, and I even played a little back in the day but I do not try to understand how the European football leagues work.  Consequently, when soccer highlights come on I couldn’t quit frankly give a shit.  But today was different.

The highlights were of what I think was a semi-final game between Inter Milan and Barcelona.  Inter Milan won the first game in Milan by a two goals or something, so as long as they didn’t lose by more then one goal in Barcelona they would advance to the finals. (That concept makes no sense to me by the way but the INS and OUTS of European football is a blog for another day.)  The highlights were rather dry to say the least.  A dive here and a dive there.  A yellow card here and a red card there.  It was all rather uninteresting to me until the game ended with Barcelona winning 1-0, which meant Inter advanced to the finals.  This I guess was a pretty big upset and Inter celebrated like it (rightfully so).  What made these highlights so entertaining was that Barcelona being the classy team/fans/organization they are turned on the field’s sprinklers in order to put an end to Inters celebration.  As I watched these events unfold on T.V. I thought to myself, “that is so un-classy it is awesome!” Then I decided all sports should do something similar whenever they lose an important game or match.

Baseball for example could also turn on the sprinklers when a team loses at home.  For example, in 1992 the Blue Jays won the World Series in Atlanta and a pile up ensued in-between first base and the pitchers mound.  If Ted Turner had the mentality of the Barcelona football team, he would have said, “Piss of Joe Carter” and flicked on the sprinklers.

Sprinklers are a great spoiler for outdoor sports but indoor sports pose a much more difficult problem to this concept.  There are after all no sprinklers in hockey or basketball arenas.  My solution is a flamethrower.

Pittsburg won the Stanley Cup in Detroit last year.  If the Ilitch family were thinking, they would have strapped a flamethrower to the backs of all the little girls that come on the ice during T.V. time outs to scrape the snow off the ice around the benches and nets.  Before Crosby had a chance to hoist the Cup the little girls could have been on the ice blasting flamethrowers everywhere and melted the ice.  That would put a halt to a victory lap pretty damn quick I think.

Same solution applies to basketball.  There’s no ice to melt but there is a lot of wood to burn.  The Lakers win yet another championship while on the road.  It’s a simple solution, flamethrowers on the backs of the cheerleaders and they torch the floor.  “Oh, sorry Kobe you can’t celebrate this one because the building is on fire.  Please evacuate the building calmly via the nearest exit and wait for further instruction.”

This is the solution to creating more rivalries in sports.  No better way to let a team know you don’t like them then by burning your own arena down out of spite.

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This Blog Is What It Is… A Living Breathing Document

Posted in Grind My Gears with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2010 by Jordan

The amount of diverse people I interact with on a weekly basis is uncanny.  However, the more someone struggles the more they seem to appeal to me.  My favourite thing about ‘Struggles’ is that they always seem to have stupid clichés or words that they use on a daily basis.  Consequently, this blog is dedicated to ‘sayings’ or ‘words’ that grind my gears.

It doesn’t seem to matter what setting you are in, the saying “it is what it is” seems to come up everywhere!  I worked construction a few years back and our superintendent was obsessed with the saying.  For example, one time my coworker (brother D) and I where told to move a pipe to the dumpster that an excavator dug out of the ground.  The problem was the pipe weighed well over a thousand pounds and we had to carry it about 300 meters. Brother D was a fairly strong middle-aged guy and I am obviously no slouch (not that I’m bragging but it’s really not a big deal… I work out).  We made one feeble attempt to move the pipe knowing full well we had no chance.  We looked at our super and said, “There’s no way we are moving this.”  He looks at us and says, “Well… it is what it is.”  Then he walked away.  Brother D and I looked at each other wondering what the even meant.  I thought to myself, “of course I know what this is… it’s a thousand pound pipe that I have no chance of moving.”  Brother D and I moved on to a new task only to be chewed out 40 minutes later for not moving the pipe.  So, I guess “it is what it is” meant move the unmovable 1000 pound pipe!

In my current job, the saying “living breathing document” gets tossed around multiple times a day like it’s a bodily function and everyone ate beans for breakfast.  Why does a document have to be living and breathing why can’t it just be subject to future change?  It’s not like I can ask a document out on a date and smooch it in copy room.  All I can do with a “living breathing document” in the copy room is copy it and wait until future changes are made to it, take the revised copy back into the copy room and copy it again.

Ever since I moved to the East Coast the terms “everywheres” and “anywheres” are used as commonly as the word “the”.

Question – Where do you want to live?

Answer – Anywheres

Question – Where did you go last night?

Answer – Everywheres

Question – Explain what the dog did when you knocked on the door?

Answer – When I knocked on the door the dog started jumping everywheres and I was like WHOA I want to be anywheres but here!

The best part about the use of “everywheres” and “anywheres” is that it does not discriminate.  The smartest lawyers on the East Coast use it when arguing a case, teachers use it when teaching, and the greasiest son of a bitch you can image uses it the same way.  What makes it even better is that if you call people out on using “everywheres” and “anywheres” they will argue with you until they are blue in the face that it is a real word and that the context they use it in is more then justified.  I have news for you.  My computer looks like the chicken on Family Guy after a fight with Peter Griffen because it is so disgusted with the way I spelled “everywhere” and “anywhere”.  They are not real words!  Get over it and STOP USING THEM!

Oh My Land

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , on April 18, 2010 by Jordan

Who decided swear words were bad?

Growing up I wouldn’t dare swear around my parents nor did I ever really hear swearing on T. V. or in any other aspect of my life.  However, as I get a little older and dictate my own rules I swear quite a bit and incorporate swearing in my daily conversations.  What I don’t get is why swearing offends anyone at all.

When you were a kid and someone called you a “doo doo head” or something stupid like that at school, a teacher would say, “sticks and stones cam break your bones but names will never hurt you.”  So if this is the case, why does a simple four-letter word get some people’s delicates in such a bunch?

I work with a church going women who wouldn’t say shit if her mouth was full of it.  She also wouldn’t swear if her life depended on it.  Me being the courteous young man I am, I watch my tongue as a means of not offending her.  However, this woman may not swear in the traditional sense but she has alternative words that she uses to swear on a daily basis.  For example, shit is replaced by stink, fuck is replaced by frick and oh my god is replaced by oh my land.

Why are these synonyms acceptable but the versions I want to use are not?  This woman’s alternatives annoy me because I know what she means and I am bothered that she just doesn’t say “SHIT” when she accidently deletes a file instead of “STINK”.  “STINK,” sounds stupid, it’s irritating and it bugs me.

The power and meaning of words in such trivial circumstances are way to overrated.  Four-letter words carry no hate towards distinct groups and are little more than words society has historically deemed as inappropriate.  The meaning of words has evolved since language was created ions ago.  I think it’s time society relaxes its stance on “four-letter” words and concerns itself with words that actually carry harmful and hurtful meaning.

Battle of the Butts

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2010 by Jordan

I would love to find a way to add up all the time I have wasted in my life waiting for public transit because I am sure that it is a great deal!  Being dependent on the bus and having to share my personal space with many of societies most retched people is not what I would exactly call fun but it does afford me a great deal of time to ponder various thoughts and ideas.  I would like to share one of these instances.

The other day I was waiting for the bus after work so that I could go home.  It was a rather nice day and as per usual the bus stop was quite busy.  Where I grab the bus to go home is actually a bus loop not a bus stop.  For those that don’t know the difference, a bus loop is typically the end or start of the line for many bus routes (so lots of bus traffic and thus lots of people).  Regardless, as I waited for the bus I was listened to some tunes minded my own business as I usually do.  As I mentioned it was nice outside so I wasn’t overly disheartened by the lateness of the bus on this particular day.  The bus delay actually allowed me to be swept away by my thought.

It is typical at the bus loop to have a host of smokers in your presence.  As a non-smoker, I’m not overly enthralled to be in the presence of a smoker’s smoke but what can you do when you are outside in public?  However, on this day there was an underbelly that proceeded to chain smoke and pace about the bus loop.  The bus loop is fairly large but he decided to concentrate his pacing in and around my personal space.  He basically walked constant figure eights around me until his plume of smoke made me look like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. It was at this point I thought to myself, “this is such bullshit!”  I quickly scanned the loop to see if there were any “No Smoking” signs around… there were not.  So, I really had no grounds to tell him to beat it.  So this is what I did.

I took another quick scan of the area to see if there were any “No Farting” signs… there were not.  I had been holding in a pretty good fart for the better part of the afternoon in an attempt to save my office mate the displeasure of smelling one of my unique and vile farts.  I then proceeded to pace around the bus loop while constantly farting.  This fart was so long and fluid that if farts had colour it would have looked like a rhythmic gymnasts’ ribbon dancing ever so elegantly through the air.  I swear it was no longer then 3 seconds after I returned to my original position that I saw everyone around me rub their noses desperately seeking the scent of something clean and fresh.  I stood there desperately wanting someone to say something… but to no avail.

The point is, if it’s ok for strangers to infiltrate your nose and lungs with their smoke on a daily basis, why is it taboo to shit yourself in public and act like nothing abnormal just happened?  I have yet to hear of anyone getting lung cancer from inhaling too many second hand farts or of a mother giving her baby asthma because she smelled too many of her own farted during her pregnancy.

Think about that!

The ‘Buck’ Stops Here

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2010 by Jordan

I may be boring but I have sick flow!

I am presently taking in my first Blue Jays game of the year on Sportsnet. For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez has replaced Jamie Campbell as the game caller of Blue Jays baseball this year.  For those who do not watch baseball or have not watched a Blue Jays game on T.V. yet this year, Buck is really bad at his new gig!

For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez was a catcher for the Blue Jays back in the 80s, then he was the colour guy for the Blue Jays on TSN about 10 years ago, then he was the Blue Jays manager, then got fired, then got hired by some other team, then got fired again.   Now, as previously mentioned he calls the games for the Blue Jays on Sportsnet.

These are the reasons why Buck Martinez is bush at calling Blue Jays baseball.  First and foremost, he sounds like an idiot with a limited vocabulary constantly bumbling over his words like he just had a stroke.  Second, Buck is from North Carolina and you can clearly hear it in his voice!  Combined with Pat Tabler who is from Ohio but sounds like he is from Texas, it sounds like a couple of yokels broadcasting to their Canadian audience.  That said however, I’m sure most people from my home town can’t hear the accents and just assume that both of them are from Atwood!  Third, I find it amusing that Buck asks Pat to explain what certain terms mean, like sitting on a pitch.  Here I am thinking to myself, “Weren’t you a major league manager last year Buck?  Also, weren’t you a big league player for several seasons?  Shouldn’t you know what sitting on a pitch means?”  Then I think to myself, “Could this be why you are not a manager anymore, because you don’t know what sitting on a pitch means and therefore never told your players to do so?”  Figure it out Buck!  Lastly, Buck is not a broadcaster and does not have a broadcaster’s voice.  He has a colour guy’s voice and the mentality of a colour guy.  It is incredibly boring listening to Buck and Pat drone on about nothing.  If I wanted to listen to two colour guys call a sports game, I would clone John Madden and put both of them on the mic together.  Then we could listen to two funny guys bumble and drone on about nothing!

I need to point one last thing out because it just happened and it was hilarious in an analytical kind of way.  Pat is the colour guy and should therefore be the expert and provide analytical insight into the game.  I mentioned earlier, that Buck was asking Pat dumb question that he clearly knows the answers to.  However, in the sixth inning, Pat started asking Buck basic dumb question about what a player was thinking at the plate.  It’s like they were playing good cop bad cop and flip flopping roles throughout the process, except in this case it would be smart broadcaster dumb broadcaster.  Looks like it’s going to be a long year for Jay’s fans in more than one way!

P.S. Great crowd tonight!  Way to go Toronto!

Lest We Forget

Posted in History, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2010 by Jordan

April 9, 1917 is a date that will remain entrenched in Canadian history forever.  It is the date that many Canadians consider the birth of Canada as a nation.  It is the date that four Canadian Divisions went over the top and led the allied offensive at Vimy Ridge in the First World War.  It was a successful offensive that many military and war historians consider the turning point of the Great War.

I studied history in school, wrote an essay on Canada’s success at Vimy and taught a lesson to a grade eleven class on how the events at Vimy Ridge contributed to Canada’s distinction as a nation and independence from Britain.  However, it wasn’t until a colleague of mine came into my office yesterday and wished me a Happy Canada Day that I first remember the anniversary of Vimy Ridge and second, took time to remember the great sacrifices men younger than myself made some 93 years ago to help preserve the freedoms so many of us take for granted today.  It made me think and question why such influential Canadian moments are not celebrated and remembered throughout Canada more prominently.

While reading an article in the Globe and Mail last night I was pleased to find out that there was actually a rather extensive ceremony at the National War Memorial in Ottawa yesterday commemorating the Battle of Vimy Ridge. However, that same article mentioned that absence of John “Jack” Babcock, the last living veteran of the conflict, who died on February 18 at the age of 109.  With so many of our great veterans passing away, I feel their great efforts have become more and more distant from our present thoughts.  Consequently, it is becoming more and more important that we do not forget the freedoms we have bestowed upon us and we do not forget the men and women who gave up so much in both World Wars to ensure we had the opportunity to live the lives we do today.  Remember battles like Vimy, Passchendaele, the Somme, Dieppe and Normandy because it the existence of these battles that we remember on Remembrance Day.

The Return of Tiger

Posted in Sports on April 6, 2010 by Jordan
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