Friends? Still?

Every time a re-run of the show Friends comes on I always say to myself, “does anyone actually watch this shitty show anymore?”  Honestly, does anyone?  I’ll be honest for a second, when Friends was running new episodes I often set time aside on Thursday night to take in the half hour comedy and more often then not I enjoyed that half hour of my Thursday night.  But now, every time a re-run of Friends comes on I cringe at the sight and sound of my T.V.

Seinfeld is of the same vintage as Friends and I rarely pass up the opportunity to watch an old Seinfeld episode.  I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld at least ten times and I enjoy every one of them every time.  Friends on the other hand became irrelevant and stale almost as soon as it concluded for me.

The characters in Friends are so bush I get uncomfortable watching re-runs because I’m so embarrassed for the actors playing them. Chandler is a self-conscious airhead that just can’t love anyone, Ross is an awkward nerd and an airhead, Rachel is a hot airhead, Phoebe is a hippy airhead that is annoying in basically every way possible, Monica is an obsessive-compulsive airhead that wants babies but can’t because her lady junk wont let her, and Joey is dumb as shit but likeable for whatever reason… we get it and it’s old!  It’s remarkable that 236 Friends episodes aired and not one writer along the way thought, “maybe we should make an episode where all six characters aren’t simultaneously looking retarded.” I guess the writers on Friends weren’t as insightful as myself.

What the writers of Friends did do however was make the best series finale of all time.  When I say best, obviously I mean worst.  Unless of course the predictability of Ross and Rachel getting back together, Chandler and Monica getting their long awaited children and Joey and Phoebe continuing to be pylons is your idea of awesome, then it was definitely one of the best series finales of all time.  The closing shot that zoomed in on the keys on the counter in the apartment definitely left me begging for more Friends and I got the next best thing in the Joey spinoff!  When is that going to be on Peachtree by the way?

If I wrote the series finale of Friends it would have went something like this.  Joey announces that he is going to move to L.A. to further his acting career and Chandler says, “You know what buddy, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.  You are by far the worst actor I have ever seen and I think it might be time to get a real job!”  The two never speak again.  Chandler then files for divorce from Monica citing she is a huge neurotic bitch and stingy in the sack.  Ross then hunts Rachel down at the airport and asks her to stay in New York because he loves her and all that bullshit.  Rachel laughs in his face lets him know he’s a dinosaur loving nerd that is not even close to being in her snack bracket and that she is taking her fine ass to Paris to tag her some French bucks!  Ross is left in the airport crying his eyes out.  Phoebe then gets dumped by whatever Paul Rudd’s character’s name is because he finally realizes that Phoebe is a chronic struggler.  Phoebe then drops a bunch of acid because she is just such a crazy hippy and the final shot of the series is of her sitting on the sidewalk all disheveled in front of Central Perk singing a shitty song about how her circle of friends aren’t friends anymore.  Then a guy walks by, grabs her guitar and smashes it on the wall (like in the juicy fruit commercial) and lets her know she sucks!  End credits.

Now I bet that would have left people saying, “I definitely didn’t see that coming.”

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2 Responses to “Friends? Still?”

  1. After reading your alternate season final for FRIENDS I have made it my personal goal to wrangle some actors (with chops) who look the part and just shoot the shit out of it. You will, of course, be given an Executive Producer credit for the parody but must know that you will be called the Executive “Prodoucher” behind your back. That’s what they say in the biz, eh? That’s how they talk.

  2. […] The Whole Ball of Wax was a lingering brainchild in the back of Jordan’s mind for a long time but never amounted to anything tangible until his pure hatred for the show Friends served as a starting point for the type of blogs he wanted to produce.  As a result, on April 2, 2010 the first article for The Whole Ball of Wax was published called Friends? Still? […]

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