Roarin’ to Go? I Guess So!

Tiger Woods is a pimp... Get over it!

Unless you’ve lived in a cave for the past fourteen years you’d know about a pimp who happens to be unreal at golf named Tiger Woods.  He’s won 82 golf tournaments in his career including 14 majors.  He lives a double life, one where his is married to a really hot Swedish woman and another where he bangs a host of ‘rag-tag’ skanks.

Today was the day that Tiger finally presented himself to the media who proceeded to grill him for about 40 minutes on questions everyone already knew the answers to.  I would really like to know why not one person at that press conference didn’t grill Tiger about the bushness of the girls he’s been cheating on Ellin with.

If I were at that press conference I would have asked a question like this.  “Tiger, I along with every other person that envies your life style would like to know why you, a billionaire athlete goes to IHOP to pick up ugly women?”

I’m sure he would have said something like, “You know, I don’t really know why I did the things I did.  I hurt a lot of people and lied to a lot of people.  I got away from the core values my mom and dad taught me.  I can remember being at the mall with my dad when I was a kid and he would only let me look at girls that were an 8 out of 10 or better and he would take his belt off and hit me if I looked at anything below a 7.  He also told me that if I were to ever cheat on my wife that she should always be better looking than my wife.  Obviously I lost that core family value somewhere along the way.  Thanks to therapy, I’ll be sure to only cheat on my wife with women that are better looking than her… you know… because that’s what my dad would have wanted.”

Then people would write in the paper, “Wow, Tiger has really changed, he’s a totally different person.  I’m really excited for him to get back to winning golf tournaments!”

I can’t believe people keep buying this sex rehab bullshit!  Honestly, sex rehab is based around sticking a bunch of horny sex addicts in a room together and getting them to talk about the crazy sex lives?  Come on, that’s like a sex addicts paradise.

I really hope Tiger does well at the Masters this week.  If Tiger wins, I guarantee Tiger takes that Green Jacket to the nearest IHOP and wheels the ugliest girl working there.

Tiger will probably say something like, “Excuse me miss, um I don’t know if you know this but I’m a pimp that happens to be exceptionally good at golf.  I couldn’t help but notice that your looks are well below average but for some reason I just have an attraction to ugly women that work at restaurants that serve comfort food, so you’re going to come home with me?”

She would obviously say, “alright” and then Tiger and caddy Stevie would engage in an awkward high five like Tiger just sunk a hundred foot chip in the final round of the Masters.

Is Tiger a pimp?  Yes, but he’s a pimp that happens to be unreal at golf.  So why not let Tiger be Tiger.  Why should we care if Tiger is on the prowl while he is married?  Pierre Trudeau once said, “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.”  So why do the gossip magazines?

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2 Responses to “Roarin’ to Go? I Guess So!”

  1. I’m continually impressed by your theories on WHAT HAPPENED vs WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED (also re: “Friends? Still?”) After I read “bangs a host of ‘rag-tag’ skanks” I knew this blog was going to be another gem.

  2. […] mandate to be an all-encompassing source of information.  Jordan provided commentary on the Tiger Woods scandal; he showed his serious and historical side by addressing the anniversary of The Battle of […]

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