Battle of the Butts

I would love to find a way to add up all the time I have wasted in my life waiting for public transit because I am sure that it is a great deal!  Being dependent on the bus and having to share my personal space with many of societies most retched people is not what I would exactly call fun but it does afford me a great deal of time to ponder various thoughts and ideas.  I would like to share one of these instances.

The other day I was waiting for the bus after work so that I could go home.  It was a rather nice day and as per usual the bus stop was quite busy.  Where I grab the bus to go home is actually a bus loop not a bus stop.  For those that don’t know the difference, a bus loop is typically the end or start of the line for many bus routes (so lots of bus traffic and thus lots of people).  Regardless, as I waited for the bus I was listened to some tunes minded my own business as I usually do.  As I mentioned it was nice outside so I wasn’t overly disheartened by the lateness of the bus on this particular day.  The bus delay actually allowed me to be swept away by my thought.

It is typical at the bus loop to have a host of smokers in your presence.  As a non-smoker, I’m not overly enthralled to be in the presence of a smoker’s smoke but what can you do when you are outside in public?  However, on this day there was an underbelly that proceeded to chain smoke and pace about the bus loop.  The bus loop is fairly large but he decided to concentrate his pacing in and around my personal space.  He basically walked constant figure eights around me until his plume of smoke made me look like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. It was at this point I thought to myself, “this is such bullshit!”  I quickly scanned the loop to see if there were any “No Smoking” signs around… there were not.  So, I really had no grounds to tell him to beat it.  So this is what I did.

I took another quick scan of the area to see if there were any “No Farting” signs… there were not.  I had been holding in a pretty good fart for the better part of the afternoon in an attempt to save my office mate the displeasure of smelling one of my unique and vile farts.  I then proceeded to pace around the bus loop while constantly farting.  This fart was so long and fluid that if farts had colour it would have looked like a rhythmic gymnasts’ ribbon dancing ever so elegantly through the air.  I swear it was no longer then 3 seconds after I returned to my original position that I saw everyone around me rub their noses desperately seeking the scent of something clean and fresh.  I stood there desperately wanting someone to say something… but to no avail.

The point is, if it’s ok for strangers to infiltrate your nose and lungs with their smoke on a daily basis, why is it taboo to shit yourself in public and act like nothing abnormal just happened?  I have yet to hear of anyone getting lung cancer from inhaling too many second hand farts or of a mother giving her baby asthma because she smelled too many of her own farted during her pregnancy.

Think about that!

Advertisements

6 Responses to “Battle of the Butts”

  1. Laughed til I cried!!!!!!!!!!!! I hold my breath alot when I leave the arena in Listowel. By the way- shouldn’t that phrase be ” This is bull stink”?

  2. The Little Cream Says:

    This was BTBOYHB funny!! I however feel that years have been taken off my life due to the grandiose farts I encounter on a daily basis. But hey at least you aren’t one those folks who think their stink don’t stink!!

  3. “Battle of the Butts” is an awesome title. When I saw the picture of the figure skater at the top I thought you might be going a different direction with it, since figure skater’s are known for having great butts…and not just the guys either.

  4. I hope you are lying and didn’t really torture people with your stench like that…You have a lot of time on your hands to think of a plan like that

  5. My girlfriend just pointed out that it is actually a “rhythmic gymnast” in the picture up there and not a figure skater.

  6. […] is” really bothers him.  Despite the popularity of all these posts, it was his post called, “Battle of the Butts” that gave The Whole Ball of Wax and Jordan real notoriety.  This post about a dancing fart […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: