Archive for April, 2010

Roarin’ to Go? I Guess So!

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2010 by Jordan

Tiger Woods is a pimp... Get over it!

Unless you’ve lived in a cave for the past fourteen years you’d know about a pimp who happens to be unreal at golf named Tiger Woods.  He’s won 82 golf tournaments in his career including 14 majors.  He lives a double life, one where his is married to a really hot Swedish woman and another where he bangs a host of ‘rag-tag’ skanks.

Today was the day that Tiger finally presented himself to the media who proceeded to grill him for about 40 minutes on questions everyone already knew the answers to.  I would really like to know why not one person at that press conference didn’t grill Tiger about the bushness of the girls he’s been cheating on Ellin with.

If I were at that press conference I would have asked a question like this.  “Tiger, I along with every other person that envies your life style would like to know why you, a billionaire athlete goes to IHOP to pick up ugly women?”

I’m sure he would have said something like, “You know, I don’t really know why I did the things I did.  I hurt a lot of people and lied to a lot of people.  I got away from the core values my mom and dad taught me.  I can remember being at the mall with my dad when I was a kid and he would only let me look at girls that were an 8 out of 10 or better and he would take his belt off and hit me if I looked at anything below a 7.  He also told me that if I were to ever cheat on my wife that she should always be better looking than my wife.  Obviously I lost that core family value somewhere along the way.  Thanks to therapy, I’ll be sure to only cheat on my wife with women that are better looking than her… you know… because that’s what my dad would have wanted.”

Then people would write in the paper, “Wow, Tiger has really changed, he’s a totally different person.  I’m really excited for him to get back to winning golf tournaments!”

I can’t believe people keep buying this sex rehab bullshit!  Honestly, sex rehab is based around sticking a bunch of horny sex addicts in a room together and getting them to talk about the crazy sex lives?  Come on, that’s like a sex addicts paradise.

I really hope Tiger does well at the Masters this week.  If Tiger wins, I guarantee Tiger takes that Green Jacket to the nearest IHOP and wheels the ugliest girl working there.

Tiger will probably say something like, “Excuse me miss, um I don’t know if you know this but I’m a pimp that happens to be exceptionally good at golf.  I couldn’t help but notice that your looks are well below average but for some reason I just have an attraction to ugly women that work at restaurants that serve comfort food, so you’re going to come home with me?”

She would obviously say, “alright” and then Tiger and caddy Stevie would engage in an awkward high five like Tiger just sunk a hundred foot chip in the final round of the Masters.

Is Tiger a pimp?  Yes, but he’s a pimp that happens to be unreal at golf.  So why not let Tiger be Tiger.  Why should we care if Tiger is on the prowl while he is married?  Pierre Trudeau once said, “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.”  So why do the gossip magazines?

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The Sun is Gone but I Have a Light

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2010 by Jordan

April 5th always marks the day the music died for me in many ways.  It was sixteen years ago today that Kurt Cobain died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head and the band Nirvana ceased to exist.  Although in hindsight it appeared the band’s days were numbered and were only likely to release another album or two, I would have loved to be listening to that album today.

Coincidently, one of my other favourite grunge bands from the Seattle area also ceased to exist as we knew it on April 5th when Layne Staley of Alice in Chains died from a speedball overdose.  Alice in Chains has continued to record new albums in Layne Staley’s absence but in my opinion will never be the same without him.

Some recommended Kurt Cobain/Nirvana reading material is Come As You Are by Michael Azerrad and Heavier Than Heaven by Charles R. Cross.

The Rise of a Nation

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2010 by Jordan

I am not a Leafs fan and therefore am not part of the ‘Leafs Nation’… thank god!  However, the nonsense that comes out of the mouths of Leaf fans is just so fascinating to me that I like to stay in the loop of hot topics in ‘Leafs Nation’.

The Leafs are obviously terrible this year and will likely finish second or third last in the league.  As a result, the draft lottery will likely give them a top three pick in the 2010 draft.  Leaf fans obviously know this and all I’ve heard from ‘Leafs Nation’ is something to the effect of, “the Leafs finally get a top five draft pick and Burke trades it away to the Bruins!”  I just want to point out that the Leafs got a top five pick in return in this “bonehead” trade by Burke.  His name is Phil Kessel and he’s not only the best player on the Leafs, he’s also the most dynamic forward the Leafs have had since Doug Gilmour.  When it comes down to it Burke decided that Phil Kessel would be a better player than Taylor Hall or Tyler Seguin.  Hall and Seguin have proven that they are great junior players but have not played a single pro game to prove that they are equally good at the NHL level.  Kessel has proven he’s a great NHLer and continues to prove his worth on the feeble Leafs.

So when the NHL season concludes in a week and the Leafs are sitting in second or third last in the league, don’t complain that the Leafs traded their top draft pick to the Bruins, be grateful that Phil Kessel is a Leaf.  If you want to bitch about a trade, consider Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft in 2006.  A trade that has obviously worked out real well for the Leafs!

Who Own da Cup?

Posted in Sports on April 2, 2010 by Jordan

Friends? Still?

Posted in Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2010 by Jordan

Every time a re-run of the show Friends comes on I always say to myself, “does anyone actually watch this shitty show anymore?”  Honestly, does anyone?  I’ll be honest for a second, when Friends was running new episodes I often set time aside on Thursday night to take in the half hour comedy and more often then not I enjoyed that half hour of my Thursday night.  But now, every time a re-run of Friends comes on I cringe at the sight and sound of my T.V.

Seinfeld is of the same vintage as Friends and I rarely pass up the opportunity to watch an old Seinfeld episode.  I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld at least ten times and I enjoy every one of them every time.  Friends on the other hand became irrelevant and stale almost as soon as it concluded for me.

The characters in Friends are so bush I get uncomfortable watching re-runs because I’m so embarrassed for the actors playing them. Chandler is a self-conscious airhead that just can’t love anyone, Ross is an awkward nerd and an airhead, Rachel is a hot airhead, Phoebe is a hippy airhead that is annoying in basically every way possible, Monica is an obsessive-compulsive airhead that wants babies but can’t because her lady junk wont let her, and Joey is dumb as shit but likeable for whatever reason… we get it and it’s old!  It’s remarkable that 236 Friends episodes aired and not one writer along the way thought, “maybe we should make an episode where all six characters aren’t simultaneously looking retarded.” I guess the writers on Friends weren’t as insightful as myself.

What the writers of Friends did do however was make the best series finale of all time.  When I say best, obviously I mean worst.  Unless of course the predictability of Ross and Rachel getting back together, Chandler and Monica getting their long awaited children and Joey and Phoebe continuing to be pylons is your idea of awesome, then it was definitely one of the best series finales of all time.  The closing shot that zoomed in on the keys on the counter in the apartment definitely left me begging for more Friends and I got the next best thing in the Joey spinoff!  When is that going to be on Peachtree by the way?

If I wrote the series finale of Friends it would have went something like this.  Joey announces that he is going to move to L.A. to further his acting career and Chandler says, “You know what buddy, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.  You are by far the worst actor I have ever seen and I think it might be time to get a real job!”  The two never speak again.  Chandler then files for divorce from Monica citing she is a huge neurotic bitch and stingy in the sack.  Ross then hunts Rachel down at the airport and asks her to stay in New York because he loves her and all that bullshit.  Rachel laughs in his face lets him know he’s a dinosaur loving nerd that is not even close to being in her snack bracket and that she is taking her fine ass to Paris to tag her some French bucks!  Ross is left in the airport crying his eyes out.  Phoebe then gets dumped by whatever Paul Rudd’s character’s name is because he finally realizes that Phoebe is a chronic struggler.  Phoebe then drops a bunch of acid because she is just such a crazy hippy and the final shot of the series is of her sitting on the sidewalk all disheveled in front of Central Perk singing a shitty song about how her circle of friends aren’t friends anymore.  Then a guy walks by, grabs her guitar and smashes it on the wall (like in the juicy fruit commercial) and lets her know she sucks!  End credits.

Now I bet that would have left people saying, “I definitely didn’t see that coming.”

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