Archive for July, 2010

Squatting the Puke Out of Myself

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , on July 30, 2010 by Jordan

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not as physically active as I was a year ago. However, I do my best to go to the gym on a daily basis. The gym I attend has decent equipment and the membership fees are fairly reasonable. The down sides to the gym are two fold. First, its members consist of the ugliest people in the entire country. A female armadillo would look hot in this gym should one ever decide to join. Second, the gym is infested with sleeve monsters. As a result, it is pretty tough to get changed and into the gym before your sleeves disappear. Because of the sleeve monsters, I like to get in and get out in under an hour. I thought this would give me the results I desired but I feel I’m not measuring up to the sleeveless monkeys who workout next to me. As a result, I did some research and came to the conclusion that I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. Consequently, I have embedded the provided video into my brain so that I will always know how to push the limits of my body and hopefully end up as fit as the guy in the video.

Perfect Parenting

Posted in Education with tags , , , , on July 30, 2010 by Jordan

I came across this video a couple of days ago and it is worth a watch because of its reassuring message.

Out of all the movies a grade 2 class could recreate I can’t think of a more perfect choice!  This was a bang on recreation of not only the dialogue from this famous Scarface scene but it is also a bang on recreation of the Scarface set.  Note the pile of popcorn on the desk replacing the giant pile of coke that is on Tony’s desk in the actual movie… Perfect!

There are a couple of things that really spoke to me when watching this video.  I loved when the classic looking nerdy teacher was spotted on stage directing the armed small child towards his classmate so he could shoot him in the back.  While obtaining my Bachelor of  Education degree we were continuously told to encourage students to emulate gangsters, drug dealers and murders so props to this teacher for actually transferring the practicality of this message into the actual classroom.  I also really enjoyed the line from Tony, “I’ve got a fudging joke for a wife.”  I think this is a perfect message to send to young boys.  These young kids are going to be men some day and the sooner they learn the appropriate way to talk to women the better.  So, I think it’s safe to say these kids are on the right track.  The last point of note is that it’s great to see parents so enthused about their children’s school play.  My parent’s always attended my bush school plays and acted like they were enthused… I’m sure they weren’t… well I’m sure at least half of them weren’t that enthused but it was always nice to see them in the crowd.  These kids clearly have the same support I had as a young lad.  However, their parents did provide them with something my parents never did.  I don’t recall my parents ever whistling and yelling, “YEAH!” after I shot one of my buddies on stage and told him that he “fudged with the wrong guy.”

I guess the whole point of this post is to state that we can all rest easy knowing that kids are learning what they need to learn in school to become productive members of society upon their exit from an academic setting.  Today’s children are being nurtured by histories finest generation of teachers and parents who are clearly committed to fostering a greater human race.  I conclude this post knowing full well that the world is in good hands and we have nothing to fear.

Egg on My Face

Posted in Technology with tags , , on July 27, 2010 by Jordan

I was in the middle of writing a post for my “blob” (that’s what my dad calls blogs) about how it is funny that there are updates for the flashlight app on the iphone.  For those that are unfamiliar with the app, it is an illuminated white screen that glows and can basically be used to find the change that falls out of your pocket during a movie.

I had written what I thought was a delightful little yarn about how ridiculous these updates were and the blob post took the form of that sweet Old Spice commercial with the guy walking on a log in a lake, then jumping off a waterfall, then riding a motorcycle in a hot tube… great commercial!  Anyway, I decided to look up the description of the flashlight app in the App Store to see what the description actually said.  To my amazement, I discovered that you have always been able to  customize your flashlight however you want.  Different colours, different shapes and patterns, you can make it strobe… the possibilities are endless!  Consequently, because the flashlight app has always been more then just a white screen my first blob creation turned out to be useless and a direct result of my own poor research.  Turns out I should have put in a little more time on Doogle… that’s what my dad calls Google.

Hey! Hey! Hey! What is Going on Here?

Posted in Education with tags , , , on July 26, 2010 by Jordan

I was walking home from work today and I saw a driver-training car that was a smart car.  I thought that was a rather good choice for a driver-training car.  When you first learn to play soccer or basketball you learn with a smaller ball so it only makes sense that you learn how to drive with a smaller car.  It would definitely make learning to parallel park easier… well, for most of us… but not all (you know who you are).  Anyway, when I saw this tiny driver-training car I instantly thought of the driver-training car in Saved By the Bell.  Were they Derek Ferrel with that thing or what?  It was a three-wheeled golf cart and they actually drove it in the school.  What are you going to learn driving in Bayside High School? There are only two hallways and a staircase in that school and the hallways are both like 20 feet long.  There were a lot of hazards though.  Nerds climbing out of lockers, flying footballs, skateboarders and of course oil slicks from Slaters mullet.

The research staff at The Who Ball of Wax worked extensively and tirelessly to find the following clip so we can all recall just how budget and bush Saved By the Bell actually was.

Forest Fire Warning: EXTREME!

Posted in People with tags , , , on July 26, 2010 by Jordan

My gossip insider tells me that Lindsay Lohan’s first week in prison wasn’t the best.  I can’t really imagine prison being anything but sweet but apparently the criminals at Lynnwood Correctional Facility welcomed the 24-year-old gearbox by simultaneously chanting “Fire Crotch” from their respective cells.  Lohan was apparently so rattled by the situation she begged the prison guards for a new Venus Goddess razor so she could neutralize the situation.  The guards, rightfully skeptical of Lohan’s intentions, inquired if she planned to hurt herself with the razor.  Lohan assured them that her intentions were genuine. The guards then responded, “Liar, Liar, Crotch on Fire!” and promptly threw her in solitary confinement indefinitely… bush and all.

Man, prison sounds tough!

Rattling Cages

Posted in Sports with tags on July 25, 2010 by Jordan

Every year I dread when the CFL season starts up and it’s not because I don’t like football.  I will watch an NFL game on Sundays but I just cannot get into watching or following the CFL. I have been to two CFL games in my life.  The first was the Grey Cup a few years back, which was actually kind of entertaining.  The second was the BC Lions home opener three years ago.  I recall watching one or two plays, the next thing I remembered were my buddies waking me up in the forth quarter so we could get an early start at the bar.  I have not been back to a CFL game since spending 50 bucks to take a nap.

There are two things that bother me the most about the CFL.  The first is that the CFL prides itself on having three down as opposed to four.  This is what makes the CFL junk in my opinion!  Having just three downs makes the league unbelievably predictable.  First down… run the ball.  Second down… throw the ball.  Third down… punt the ball.  I’m honestly not sure why quarterbacks even bother running the ball.  The field is the size of small lake so there is ample room for a receiver to find an open hole to catch the ball.   The CFL should just get rid of running backs entirely and add another receiver… that would be something to pride a league on.

The second thing that drives me crazy is that TSN’s coverage of the CFL is almost as extensive as their coverage of the NHL trade deadline (I’m not a fan of that either).  The CFL season occurs at a time when not much other then baseball is occurring in the sports world.  As a result, TSN has the time to debate and discuss the events of the CFL incessantly.  “What do the Eskimos have to do to win a game?” they discuss.  “Run the ball more.” “Pass the ball more.” “New coach to shuffle things up.” The CFL panel bats around all these ideas ALL THE TIME.  I don’t care about any of these ideas, their logic or reasoning.  Show me some golf highlights, a crash in racing, Serrina Williams’ huge ass, or John Daly’s huge ass.  I will take any type of sports highlight that does not show people with water melons on their heads, a practice at a high school football field, or a debate centered around the city of Ottawa trying to get yet another franchise and calling it the Roughriders…. “Ottawa, there are only seven names you can’t use and Roughriders is one of them… get that through your head!”

I’m Staying With My Boys

Posted in History, Television with tags , , on July 25, 2010 by Jordan

For those who have taken an interest in THE PACIFIC I suggest reading I’m Staying With My Boys: The Heroic Life of Sgt. John Basilone, USMC by Jim Proser.  This biography tells the story of Sgt. John Basilone who is one of the three main characters portrayed in THE PACIFIC.  The biography is written in the first person as if Proser is John Basilon himself.  Proser’s extensive research does an excellent job of capturing the mood and mindset of Basilon throughout his life right up to the moment he died on Iwo Jima.  This is a fine read for anyone looking to obtain more details about events portrayed in THE PACIFIC or the Pacific theater of war in general.  I typically hate reading books for pleasure but I thoroughly enjoyed this biography of one of the most decorated U. S. Marines of all time.

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