Archive for July, 2010

LGBT? Is that some kind of new sandwich?

Posted in Education with tags , , , , , , , on July 25, 2010 by Jordan

With so much to do on the weekends in Halifax I struggled to pick between the two options yesterday.  After much pondering, I settled on taking in my second career Pride Parade.

The only previous Pride Parade I had ever attended was in Vancouver, which has a rather large and prominent LGBT community.  If I recall correctly, it was the 30th Anniversary of the Pride Parade in the city and the Parade held nothing back as it went on for more then 2-hours.  The jaw dropping floats never stopped and if they did it was to make way for naked old men with rainbow wigs on their heads and overgrown pubs atop their wangs.  Despite the shock and awe of it all, I have always maintained that the Vancouver Pride Parade was the best and happiest parade I had ever been to.

With the Pride Parade in Vancouver entrenched in my memory, I was unsure of what to expect from the ass backwards residence of Halifax who fail to see the progressive benefits of replacing some busy stop light intersections with roundabouts.  With Halifax still thinking it’s 1950, I half expected to see the evangelical community to be standing along the parade route waving bibles and crosses shouting moronic sayings like, “It’s Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve!”  However, the community of Halifax pleasantly surprised me.  There was a very large and joyous crowd in attendance to show their support for the LGBT community.  People waving rainbow flags and wearing beads around their necks.  It was a nice parade and reassuring to see such large community support.

Although, I enjoyed the parade it was VERY tame in comparison to the Pride Parade I watched in Vancouver two years ago.  This is an outrageous thing for a straight guy to say, but it just wasn’t gay enough for me.  There were no floats loaded with greased up guys in nothing but tight gitch dancing wildly as if they were at a rave and not in the middle of a parade.  There were no women with boobs at their waists; in fact, there was no nudity at all.  The local Halifax gay bars did their best but it paled in comparison to what I saw in Vancouver.  It felt as though everyone was holding back and not totally comfortable participating and presenting themselves in the parade. It’s ok though… baby steps Halifax… baby steps.  Once we get that roundabout on Quinpool maybe we’ll get some gayer floats in the Pride Parade.

Fingers Crossed!

The Whole Ball of Wax salutes all the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) readers and non-readers out there.  May you all be comfortable in your own skin and receive the love and support of those who surround you.


Feel the Rain on Your Skin

Posted in Television with tags , , on July 18, 2010 by Jordan

Last week was the end of an era and I am not talking about the Chris Bosh era in Toronto.  I am talking about the end of The Hills.  The plotless reality showed aired its final episode last week, which left the LC on the verge of tears before the bizarre ending left her shacking her head like a cat that just had the shower turned on them.  I for one will miss The After Show’s montages of the cast saying ridiculous things in a loop and watching Stephanie Pratt getting dumber by the episode as her vocabulary shrunk by the sentence.  One more season and all she would have been able to say would be; I, like, know, totally and DUI.  It’s a little disappointing that I wont witness that.  Perhaps she will go mad like her brother and find a way to stay in the spotlight somehow.  Regardless, there are so many unanswered questions about the characters in The Hills.

Will Kristin actually move to Europe? Or does she not know where it is?  Does she know Europe is an entire continent and not a country?  Does she know that you need a visa to live in its various countries and that said visas take a while to obtain?  Maybe it’s the skeptic in me but I don’t see how it is possible to decide you are moving to Europe on Wednesday, have a going away party on Friday and leave on Saturday.

Will Brody finally settle down and become a one-woman man or is he a playboy for life?  What’s the deal with him and Avril?

Will Audrina every get over Justin Bobby?  Will her eyes ever be able to look straight ahead or will they always look at the ceiling?  Is moving 5 minutes out of Hollywood really going to change her life?  How can she afford that house on the beach?

Will Lo ever stop looking like a mouse?

How did Stacey the Bartender become a regular character on this show?  Is she still a bartender or did she quit her bartending job after becoming a regular?  I think she’s like a female Sam Malone and should have been portrayed as such on the show.

How come Spencer and Heidi just stopped being in the show?  Spencer was the only reason I watched it in the first place.  That guy is a totally fame whore that draws attention like a 50 car pile up.  I couldn’t look away for the longest time but his sudden departure from the show allowed me to… thank you MTV!

But that’s it… it’s over.  I will likely never get my answers to these questions and that is probably a good thing.  This was one of most mindless shows on television in the entire history of television and it deserved its termination.  I hope I never hear about any of these idiots and their fake lives again.  I should have my own reality show on MTV.  It could be called “The Fax” and could be about me writing pointless blog articles with my shirt off as I continuously try to keep my cat of my keyboard…  sounds dumb but it’s really no worse then the concept for The Hills.

Make it happen MTV!

“I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages—a chain of them.”

Posted in People with tags , , on July 18, 2010 by Jordan

I was recently asked to write an article about Lindsay Lohan by one of my 7 fans.  Naturally, what my fans want my fans get.  This task turned out to be a little more difficult than first expected because as it turns out I know nothing about Lindsay Lohan other then she use to be covered in freckles but no longer is.  Consequently, I had to do some research and there is no better place to do research about Lindsay Lohan than on websites like TMZ, Perez Hilton and Oh No They Didn’t.  As it turns out, Lindsay Lohan basically went for a shit in 2007 and was never able to stop wiping.

It’s been more then three years since she dropped her pants and it looks like her dump will continue as she begins her 90 day jail sentence on Tuesday for being a gear box.  I’m not 100% sure why she has to go to jail but I think it has something to do with being a talentless actress and unsuccessful singer and thinking that gave her the right to get shit faced and drive as she pleased, abuse prescription medication, violate the terms of her probation as if the terms did not exist and pretend she was a lesbian.  Lindsay Lohan is an absolute stain on society that will likely learn little if anything from her time in prison.   All the SCRAM bracelets in the world will not alter this girl’s life style.  I propose a cinder block around the ankle and a swim in the Pacific.  If she makes it to shore, she might have a chance.

Whoa, That’s a Full Rainbow… All the Way.

Posted in Music with tags on July 18, 2010 by Jordan

An analytical breakdown of Double Rainbow

11 seconds – Actually it’s not “a double rainbow all the way.”  It is more of a single rainbow all the way with a faint double rainbow one third of the way.

51 seconds – Actually it’s not even close to looking like “a triple rainbow” because as previously mentioned it’s not even a full double rainbow.

1 minute – In order for a rainbow to go “all the way across the sky” would you not have to be directly under the rainbow as it stretched from horizon to horizon?  Also, I don’t think this is possible.

1 minute 19 seconds – “What does this mean?”  It means an optical and meteorological phenomenon has been created that caused a spectrum of light to appear in the sky when the sun shone onto droplets of moisture in the earth’s atmosphere. These sun-touched droplets took the form of a multicoloured arc, with red on the outer part of the arch and violet on the inner section of the arch.  A rainbow spans a continuous spectrum of colours; the distinct bands are an artifact of human colour vision… Although there is some science involved in understanding a rainbow, it’s not rocket science and something most people first learn about when they are five years old

1 minute 36 seconds – Interesting reaction…. A lot of things could be going on behind the camera right now.

1 minute 41 seconds – Crying is a very normal and acceptable reaction for a grown man upon seeing a rainbow.

2 minutes 30 seconds – Nope, still just a single complete rainbow with a faint double rainbow going about one third of the way.

2 minutes 44, 51, 57 seconds – Please blow your nose!

3 minutes – No, you are too much!

3 minutes 10 seconds – Note at this point it is now “a single rainbow all the way” with a faint “double rainbow” going about one twentieth of the way.

3 minutes 20 seconds – Is he gasping for breath or did he just chug a drink?

Double Rainbow song T. Pain style.

Probert Loses His First Fight Ever

Posted in Sports with tags , , , on July 6, 2010 by Jordan

Legendary Red Wings enforcer Bob Probert died yesterday of a heart attack at the age of 45. Perhaps the best NHL fighter of all time, Probert accumulated 3300 PIMs in just 935 games. Although he had a reputation as a fighter, Probert had some skill behind his fists of steel. In the 1987-88 season Probert accumulated 29 goals, 33 assists and 398 PIMs which earned him his first and only selection to the annual All-Star game. Probert also holds the distinction as the last player to score an NHL goal at Maple Leaf Gardens. Probert had a number of alcohol and substance abuse problems and wasn’t shy to have frequent encounters with the law. Despite all his off-ice problems and career as a fighter he still seemed like a well spoken and good guy. The kind of guy you would want to sit down and have a beer with (if he weren’t an alcoholic that is).

Robert A. Probert 1965-2010

Pregnant Padme Must Be

Posted in Movies with tags , , on July 5, 2010 by Jordan

The best thing about American holidays is that Spike TV always plays a marathon of something that I like, a.k.a. Band of Brothers or Star Wars. I took in a few too many rays on Saturday so I was content to hide myself from the sun on Sunday. Luckily, it was Star Wars turn in the rotation on Spike for the 4th of July marathon. I tuned into the bi-trilogy with about 30 minutes left in The Phantom Menace. From that point on I watched bits and pieces of four different Star Wars movies up to A New Hope. I’ve seen every Star Wars movie several times but it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized the inconsistencies of the Jedi and the Star Wars movies in general.

Jedi have the capability of thought manipulation, they can stop a laser with a light saber, they can be standing 50 meters away from their light saber and make it fly through the air into their hand, they are better at acrobatics than most performers in Cirque de Soleil, they can sense things that are going on in another galaxy and the movements of people around them but for some reason not one Jedi could sense that Anakin was banging Padme and that she was pregnant. Apparently Jedi have zero paternal instincts. When Padme lost the will to live, the robot/horse doctor that was looking after her told the Jedi “brass” that they would have to operate now if they were going to save the babies. The Jedi were standing there dumbfounded saying things like, “Babies?” “Whose babies?” “What’s a baby?” Even Yoda was clueless; he could sense the evil in Anakin but not the babies inside Padme. Also, how does a seemingly healthy person in their late 20s just lose the will to live and die 5 minutes later?

I’m starting to think Star Wars isn’t very realistic.

Shooting Gallery

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2010 by Jordan

More then 50 games have been played at the 2010 World Cup as it enters the last week of play. I have watched many of the games when possible and I am beginning to wonder if the World Cup is a showcase of the world’s best soccer players or the world’s best snipers. I have never seen so many players go down like a tone of bricks time and time again. A big reason for the shootings has to be because of the poor security in South Africa. Before the tournament began I had heard that South Africa had spent about $30 million on security for the month long tournament. This differs greatly with the more than $1 billion dollars Canada spent on security for the G8 and G20 Summits in Huntsville and Toronto that lasted for about 5 days. Consequently, there is no way the security personnel can search every fan and apprehend their assault rifles before every match. Regardless, I have to give the players credit. They are continuously shot in their lower limbs, cry incessantly, and almost always find a way to shake it off in less then a minute and appear to be perfectly fine. I guess the snipers should aim for the heart in 2014 in Brazil.

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