Archive for October, 2010

How To Be Tight

Posted in Television with tags , , , , , , on October 31, 2010 by Jordan

The LC and I doubled down on the Halloween house parties last night, which were filled with a host of excellent costumes.  Three of my favorites included a girl dressed as a loofah, a guy dressed as Alan from The Hangover with a baby strapped to his chest and a guy dressed as a Tim Horton’s drive thru ordering box.  These three costumes were all well done and very recognizable; however, the worst thing about Halloween costumes is when your costume is unreal and no one knows who you are.  A guy at one of the parties we were at last night had one such costume.  He went as Chazz from episode 2 of the How To Be Tight videos.  I had never seen these videos until last night but this guy had Chazz down perfectly.

 

For those that aren’t familiar with these videos, How To Be Tight is a spoof of the absolute garbage that is televised on MTV on a constant basis.  As far as I know there are three videos so far but they are making more so keep your eyes open.

The Loser Fish in the Big Pond

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by Jordan

A couple of Saturday mornings ago I was watching Sports Center (as I do every morning) to catch the highlights from the night before.  For anyone who has watched T.V. on Saturday mornings you know that there are really only three different T.V. options on Saturday mornings:  Kids shows, infomercials and fishing.  On this particular Saturday I decided to stay tuned in to TSN following Sports Center to watch Canadian Sport Fishing hosted by Italo Labignan.  Some of you may know my oldest brother is obsessed with fishing so I am no stranger to watching fishing on Saturday mornings, Canadian Sport Fishing included.  As far as fishing shows go Italo does a pretty good job on Canadian Sport Fishing.  He often goes to remote places and catches some unique and huge fish.  This is far more interesting then that tub of guts Darryl Cronzy who catches nothing but walleye so he can get back to shore to have his shore lunch.  I don’t know what was up with Italo on this particular day but he missed the boat big time when he made his theme of the day catching pan fish.

For those that don’t have a fish obsessed brother like me, pan fish are little skinny and spiky bitch fish like; sunfish, perch and rock bass.  I’m not sure why but for some reason Italo thought it would be a good idea to make an entire show about catching fish people catch when they are trying to catch real fish.  The best part of this episode was how serious he was taking it.  First of all, he was in a boat.  Second, he was using a wide variety of jigs and crank baits and talking about how pan fish like the action of these baits.  Third, he was catching fish that were like four inches long and saying they were a good size. Last, he was using a net to bring the four-inch fish into the boat and bragging about his little net he got for catching pan fish.

IS THIS GUY DEREK FOREAL!?  There should not be a show on T.V. about catching fish that any moron can catch at will and there should definitely not be a show on T.V. that analyzes how to catch rock bass.

I will tell you how to catch rock bass right now.

Step 1 – Find any random bridge that crosses a river.

Step 2 – Put a worm on a hook.

Step 3 – Drop your line in the water.

Step 4 – Wait 10 seconds.

Step 5 – Reel the 10 once fish out of the water to the top of the bridge.

Step 6 – Throw the fish back in the water.

Step 7 – Repeat Process.

There you go.  Bring on the sponsorship Berkley Trilene.

Fartsquare, Fartsquare, We All Scream for Fartsquare!

Posted in Technology with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2010 by Jordan

Social media and social networks consume our daily lives.  A prime example of this is that at this very moment you are reading this ridiculous blog that specializes in wiener and fart commentary.  There is virtually nothing you can’t learn about someone from social networks.  Everything from a person’s political views to their relationship status, their music preferences to what they did the night before are readily available on social network sites like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and Ping.  Despite the intricate personal details provided on these social networks, they all fail to provide an outlet for the most personal and common function of humans… Farting.  That is until now.

A new app is available for the iphone called fartsquare, which is a geolocating app that allows individuals to share not only the location of their farts but also the smell and quality of them.  I personally think Fartbook™ would have been a better name but I didn’t invent it so I guess I’ll save the name Fartbook™ for something else.

I’m sure there are people out there (less sophisticated people then readers of The Whole Ball of Wax) that think sharing when and where you fart is not only disgusting but also far too personal to share on a social network.  To these people I say, “Thank you for telling me when you work out, where you are drinking, when you are not feeling well, what the weather is like, what you did last weekend, that you are sitting at home, that you are available if anyone wants to call or text you, that you are mad at someone but don’t want to come out and say who it is exactly, what you just ate and if it was good or not, what you are watching on T.V. , etc. etc. If you think people are interested in this boring shit there is a good chance the when and where of a fart will also peak the interest of people. If nothing else it will give people a giggle when their phones notify them that Jordan just farted at the corner of Main and Wallace and it smelled like a shipping container used to smuggle immigrants from Bangladesh.”

There is nothing too personal or private in this world anymore so get use to it!  I would also like to point out that I farted about 8 times while writing this post, they all smelled like a mouse crawled up my butt and died and that they forced the LC to vacate the room.

Find me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and look for me soon on fartsquare… as soon as I figure out if it is actually real or not.

Hammerhead Shark Women

Posted in Education with tags , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2010 by Jordan

This post is dedicated to women that are the offspring of hammerhead sharks.  Most people don’t realize that sharks can re-produce humans… but they can.  After a shark eats a human they digest the person and later rebirth it as a totally different person.  In every case study of hammerhead shark women, the women are 99% genetically the same as a woman created by two humans.  The one percent difference lies in the eyes.  Hammerhead shark women retain the eye genetics of the shark 100% of the time.  It’s unfortunate, but it’s science.

Here are some examples of hammerhead shark women.  99% human, 1% hammerhead shark.

Leah Miller does a wonderful job hosting So You Think You Can Dance Canada; however, she is often spotted circling the contestants backstage as she awaits her midnight snack to be kicked off the show.

 

 

 

 

 
Lucy Liu is without question the hottest hammerhead shark woman that exists but is like tits on a bull when it comes to playing catch in the backyard.

 

 

 

 

 

Katherine Heigl made a name for herself on Gray’s Anatomy but it was nearly impossible to make the neck in any of her 27 dresses big enough.

 

 

 

 

 

Tyra Banks was the “it” runway model in the 1990s but what the crowds lining the catwalks didn’t know was that the head piece she always wore was not an accessory but rather her eyes protruding out the side of her head.

 

 

 

 

Torri Spelling is the Eve of hammerhead shark women.  She frequents clown academies on a regular basis just to find sunglasses with the width necessary to shield her eyes from the powerful California sun.

 

 

 

 

Hammerhead shark women… they’re scary, they’re dangerous and they’re real.

Rent is Too Damn High

Posted in Politics with tags , , on October 22, 2010 by Jordan

This guy couldn’t be more accurate. 

My rent is so damn high I tried to eat a Justin Bieber poster yesterday thinking it was a mini marshmallow with a dust bunny on it.

My rent is so damn high I have to talk poorly of people without being a karate expert because I can’t afford karate lessons.

My rent is so damn high my life savings consists of a roll of pennies that I often mistake as Reese’s Pieces

My rent is so damn high I have purple drink for breakfast, lunch and dinner and started pissing purple three weeks ago but can’t go to the doctors.  Why?  Because my rent is too damn high.

My rent is so damn I have to buy Aylmer ketchup.

Funhouse

Posted in Television with tags , , , on October 21, 2010 by Jordan

I was sitting around with my thoughts in outer space a couple of days ago and out of nowhere the late 80s kids game show Funhouse popped into my head.  My oldest brother was obsessed with this show and use to turn our actual house into a homemade “Funhouse” after every episode he watched.  My other brother and I were then subjected to play in this homemade “Funhouse” once it was completed.  It always seemed like a good idea but homemade “Funhouse” always ended with its temporary suspension and someone crying.  It’s important to mention that I was 4 or 5 competing against my brother who was 6 or 7 and most activities were performed blindfolded.

 

I digress.

 

I hadn’t thought of this show in years so I Googled it to see if I could learn some more about it.  I found out that there was a British version and an American version that aired from 1988-1991.  FOX picked up the show for the start of its third season and changed the name to FOX’s Funhouse.  In addition to this boring information I obtained, I also came across several episodes of the show on Youtube.  I’ve watched many of them and I must say, “It’s not that good.”  The fromage factor is through the roof and the funhouse itself doesn’t look nearly as fun or challenging as I recall.  Despite this, it is pretty sweet to see what the prizes were 20 years ago and to marvel at the hairstyles.  One things for sure, you know Brian Austin Green took a run at the twins as soon as the cameras turned off.

 

Local Saviour

Posted in Travel with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2010 by Jordan

Some readers of The Whole Ball of Wax are already fully aware of Listowel, Ontario’s two-week St. Patrick’s Day festival called Paddy Fest put on by the local Kinsmen and Kinettes.  I’ve never actually attended Paddy Fest but I think I get the gist of how it works.  It’s basically a combination of drinking, beauty pageants and concerts geared toward those who like country music.  One of those most entertaining and crowd-pleasing elements of Paddy Fest has always been the arm wrestling tournament.  Again, I’ve never seen it but I know my cousin Joint Boy has won it many times and looks possessed while he decimates his opponents.

 

The popularity of Paddy Fest has raised tones of money for the Kinsmen and Kinettes who in turn put the money back into the local community.  However, rumor has it that Paddy Fest is no longer turning a profit and a big reason for this is that the arm wrestling tournament has gone stale on the locals.  Despite the fact that I have not lived in Listowel for quite some time I have been itching for an opportunity to give back to the town that gave me the opportunity to give you The Whole Ball of Wax.  Consequently, I am single handedly going to save Paddy Fest this March.

 

Three words….

 

EXTREME – ARM – WRESTLING

 

Picture yourself in Listowel Memorial Arena and envision Joint Boy tapped to his opponent and strapped to an arm wrestling table.  Now envision Joint Boy’s eyes turning to dollar signs as he fights like a whore and beats the crap out of his opponent.  That’s what the Kinsmen and Kinettes will be doing after they read this post and watch this video..

 

 

P. S. – I totally made up the part about Paddy Fest not turning a profit.  I honestly have no idea about the finances of Paddy Fest… I’m sure they’re doing fine though.

 

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