Archive for December, 2010

The Talk Features Six Geese a Laying

Posted in Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2010 by Jordan

I was watching T.V. this afternoon and a show called The Talk came on.  At a glance The Talk appears to be exactly the same as The View but with lower profile hens as the show’s hosts.  The LC informed me that The Talk has claimed to be vastly different from The View.  I’ve been in a few chicken barns in my day so I feel qualified in deciphering the difference between hen parties.

The View features up to five hosts for any given show plus featured guests.  The five regular hosts are comprised of acclaimed news correspondent Barbra Walters, actress Whoopi Goldberg, comedian Joy Behar, actress Sherri Shepherd and some bitch named Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The Talk on the other hand features up to six regular hosts per show.  The Talk boasts the exceptional talents of Big Brother host Julie Chen, Darlene from Roseanne, Jack Osbourn’s mom, some black woman, Stacey Carosi from Saved by the Bell, and some other hack.

Aside from providing continuous examples of how to cluck over someone, both shows tackle riveting issues like how to roost, various egg fertilizing positions, how to lay both white and brown eggs, the difference in corn, wheat, and oat mash (food), how to keep your feathers permanently ruffled, and how to determine if your rooster is faithful or not.

I have looked at these two shows from all angles and the only thing I can find that separates The Talk from The View is that The Talk has a coffee table infront of their couch and The View does not.  Aside from this, these two shows are basically the exact same chicken coop with a different name on the door.

It’s honestly exhilarating stuff!

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This Tarp is Just Right

Posted in Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2010 by Jordan

The election of Rob Ford as Toronto’s new mayor is old news.  Similarly, the nonsensical speech by Don Cherry at Ford’s inauguration is also old news.  What’s not old news is where Rob Ford buys his suits.

 

I have it on good authority that Ford’s suit purchasing strategy is a two prong attack.  First, he travels to Toronto’s Fashion District and enters the Mountain Equipment Co-op.  Upon entering the store he heads straight to the tent section and seeks out the tarps used as ground sheets and the like.  He selects the colour of his choice (usually something dark for a slimming effect) and pays about $13 for it.

 

The second prong in Ford’s strategy involves the employment of a tailor that specializes in maternity fittings.  When Ford meets with his special tailor, a forklift raises him about a foot and a half off the ground.  Once in position, the special tailor goes to work.  The tarp is draped over Ford’s back and shoulders and is fastened in place with a novelty safety pin.  When it is clear that the tarp will not fall off of Ford’s frame, the tarp is reinforced with chain mail.  After the tarp obtains the strength of chain mail, old hubcaps are sown down the breast of the tarp as a means of closing the front of the tarp/suit.  Once all three-hubcaps are in place the novelty safety pin is removed.  At this point, Ford jumps into a pair of darkly dyed clown pants and climbs aboard the Gravy Train enroute to making promises he can’t keep.

 

It’s Called a Christmas Sweater

Posted in Grind My Gears with tags , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2010 by Jordan

I’m not going to sit here and act like I invented Christmas parties, because I didn’t. However, I am going to sit here and act like I invented Christmas sweater themed parties, because I did.  It doesn’t grind my gears that millions of people around the world have stolen my idea but it does grind my gears that millions of people around the world refer to Christmas sweaters as “ugly sweaters”.

 

There are two main reasons why the term “ugly sweater” bothers me.  The first is that I feel it degrades the festive spirit of Christmas.  It’s not an “ugly sweater” at all; it’s a festive sweater.  I’ve never once heard a Halloween costume called a “Skank costume” or a “Narcissistic Douche Bag costume” even though that’s exactly what most of them are.  No matter how absurd a Halloween costume is they are always called just that, a Halloween costume.  Consequently, Christmas sweaters must be treated with the same respect as Halloween costumes no matter how ridiculous the patterns on the front of the sweater happens to be.

 

The second reason why the term “ugly sweater” grinds my gears is that I feel it’s a term used by people lacking self-confidence.  People hide behind the term “ugly sweater” when they wear a Christmas sweater because they don’t see the fun in the sweater.  Because they don’t see the fun in the sweater they make fun of what they are wearing by calling it an “ugly sweater” before their peers have the opportunity to make fun of the sweater first.  By calling a Christmas sweater an “ugly sweater” people instantly imply that they do not like what they are wearing and are embarrassed by their appearance.

 

The interesting thing about Christmas sweaters is that they are constant and consistent.  I was perusing through The Bay today and saw a Christmas sweater made by Ralph Lauren.  It was a classic knitted sweater with a silhouette of a reindeer surrounded by snowflakes on it.  Intrigued by it’s quality, I checked the price tag of the sweater only to find that it was $150.  The question I would like to know is whether this $150 Ralph Lauren sweater is a Christmas sweater, an “ugly sweater”, or just a sweater made by Ralph Lauren?  I would call it a Christmas sweater but I would bet there are a lot of narcissistic douche bags out there that would call this a sweater by Ralph Lauren.

 

State of the Union

Posted in Politics with tags , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2010 by Jordan

Fellow Ball of Waxers

The premises for which The Whole Ball of Wax was establish requires that its faithful readers be addressed from time to time on the State of its Union.

From the time of its creation some eight months ago, The Whole Ball of Wax has sought to deliver posts on a tri-daily if not bi-daily basis.  In the first month we hit this mark only to find ourselves falter in the next two.  After a steep learning curve we found our stride in July producing 16 posts and topped it in September with 17.  Although article posts were down in the month of November, it was the only month where The Whole Ball of Wax had daily activity thanks to our successful Movemeber campaign.  Despite this great productivity, it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to notice the lack of production on this site in the month of December.

Over the past few weeks, visitors have navigated to The Whole Ball of Wax hoping for something new to read.  Instead, they continue to read the heading Ballsy Journey. This stagnant state has prompted the rumor mill in Whole Ball of Wax Land to turn frantically.  Today we set out to crush these rumors and to set the record straight.

Some have suggested that the recent Nor’easters that pounded the Halifax area cut off our Internet connection.  Although the strong winds from the storm did blow a lady into oncoming traffic last week leaving her in hysterics, the Internet has remained in tact.  Others have speculated that the writers of The Whole Ball of Wax have left to write for The Whole Ball of Yarn over in Dartmouth.  Although the offers were lucrative, all full time writers remain with The Whole Ball of Wax.  Finally, readers have suggested blogging is dead.  After weeks of research, we have decided this statement is untrue… Wikipedia said so.

The fact of the matter is, we at The Whole Ball of Wax have succumbed to the pressures of the man.  Long days and long nights have left us sleeping like a dog and with no time or energy for production.  However, with holidays looming and a New Year approaching, The Whole Ball of Wax can say with certainty that we are once again open for business.  It is hoped that diligence and commitment will make up the difference for the month of December and carry us into the New Year.

Thank you for reading and God bless The Whole Ball of Wax.

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