This Tarp is Just Right

The election of Rob Ford as Toronto’s new mayor is old news.  Similarly, the nonsensical speech by Don Cherry at Ford’s inauguration is also old news.  What’s not old news is where Rob Ford buys his suits.

 

I have it on good authority that Ford’s suit purchasing strategy is a two prong attack.  First, he travels to Toronto’s Fashion District and enters the Mountain Equipment Co-op.  Upon entering the store he heads straight to the tent section and seeks out the tarps used as ground sheets and the like.  He selects the colour of his choice (usually something dark for a slimming effect) and pays about $13 for it.

 

The second prong in Ford’s strategy involves the employment of a tailor that specializes in maternity fittings.  When Ford meets with his special tailor, a forklift raises him about a foot and a half off the ground.  Once in position, the special tailor goes to work.  The tarp is draped over Ford’s back and shoulders and is fastened in place with a novelty safety pin.  When it is clear that the tarp will not fall off of Ford’s frame, the tarp is reinforced with chain mail.  After the tarp obtains the strength of chain mail, old hubcaps are sown down the breast of the tarp as a means of closing the front of the tarp/suit.  Once all three-hubcaps are in place the novelty safety pin is removed.  At this point, Ford jumps into a pair of darkly dyed clown pants and climbs aboard the Gravy Train enroute to making promises he can’t keep.

 

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