Archive for January, 2011

Cheese Machine

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2011 by Jordan

Since last summer, my golf battery has been fully charged.  It’s not uncommon to find me chipping golf balls across my living room with the Golf Channel on in the background.  With a little more practice I’m fairly certain I’ll be able to flop a ball over the armchair with enough spin to stop it before it hits my guitar amp.  If my golf skills fail me, I’ll likely invest in one of the gadgets promoted on Golf Channel infomercials.  The V Harness should help coach my muscles into repeating the perfect golf swing while the Stack and Tilt video should help me keep my axis over the ball…whatever that means.  Should my frustration for golf overtake my passion for the game, I will likely sell my clubs and buy a Cheese Machine.  This should enable me to obtain my life long dream of producing copious amounts of cheese.  Soon the world will need cheese and I will be the one to provide it.

A Genius Sends An Idiot Abroad

Posted in People, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2011 by Jordan

Ricky Gervais has received a lot of mainstream attention since he hosted the Golden Globe Awards a couple of weeks ago.  At the Golden Globes, he poked fun at Tom Cruise’s questionable sexuality, took a jab at Robert Downie Jr.’s past run ins with the law, and called Steve Carrel “ungrateful” for quitting The Office.  I personally found the jokes hilarious but the stuffy stars of Hollywood did not seem to share my sense of humor.

 

For some reason people seemed surprised at Gervais’ style of humor.  Somehow they forgot that this was the guy who created The Office and Extra’s and solidified himself as a writer and comedian through standup comedy.

 

Rick Gervais has been huge for a couple of years now whether you’ve heard of him or not.  Consequently, he has as much money as Forest Gump after hurricane season.   Gervais has called his newest project, “The most expensive practical joke I’ve ever done.”   It’s better known as An Idiot Abroad and follows the uninformed and unintentionally funny Carl Pilkington to the Seven Wonders of the World.  This is without question, the funniest cultural/travel documentary that has ever existed.  In addition, its Friday midnight timeslot works into my schedules perfectly.  There is after all, no rest for the wicked here at The Whole Ball of Wax.

This Needs to Stop

Posted in People with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2011 by Jordan

There’s been a lot of fan mail coming in as of late asking about the LC and what she is up to.  In order to dispel the rumors that she has succumb to the Fun Dip, it is my privilege to announce that The Whole Ball of Wax’s gossip insider has started up a side project with three others called, This Needs To Stop.  This blog dabbles in a plethora of topics ranging from Bruce Jenner’s unreal hair to movie reviews.  This blog is so hot and hip it makes US Weekly look like an aborted fetus on the floor of a McDonald’s washroom after a homeless guy shit himself in the stall while smoking crystal meth.  I’m personally so inspired by this blog that I’ll be coming out with my own sex tape next week.

In the words of Kenny Powers, “Perez Hilton, you’re fucking out!  This Needs To Stop, you’re fucking in!” Pffffffffff.

Man vs Food vs Reduced Life Expectancy

Posted in Education, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2011 by Jordan

The technology of television is unbelievably fascinating to me.  When I was a kid watching wrestling in the 80s, TV’s were pieces of furniture that sat on the floor of the living room and weighed about 300 lbs.  Now, TV’s are pieces of art mounted on walls that are no thicker than a Gordon Korman book and weigh about 30 lbs.

 

The evolution of TV’s over the last 20 years is both impressive and remarkable. What’s not impressive and remarkable is how dormant and contradictory TV programming is on a nightly basis.  For example, The Biggest Loser on NBC documents the physical and mental process of morbidly obese individuals as they learn to drastically alter their lifestyles while competing against each other to lose the most weight.  This is both a positive and educational show that most North American’s can actually benefit from.   On the other hand, you can flip to OLN on any given night and find a show called Man vs. Food.  For those that have not seen this show, Man vs. Food basically takes everything positive The Biggest Loser has achieved over the last 10 years and marginalizes it with every 30-minute episode.   Man vs. Food follows a guy named Adam Richman around America as he exhibits unique American comfort food and attempts to complete a nearly impossible food eating challenge.

 

Man vs. Food is everything that is wrong with North America.  It promotes excess, greed and poor manners.  If this guy came over to my place for dinner and talked with his mouths full as he moaned with ecstasy, I would have no choice but to thank him for his awkward compliments and kick him the fuck out of my home.  Adam Richman is 30 lbs away from being the likable chubby guy that showcases food around America to competing on the next season of The Biggest Loser.

 

So basically what I’m trying to say here is The Biggest Loser is like a 50 inch plasma mounted on your wall; while, Man vs. Food is like the TV in my grandma’s basement.  It’s outdated, clunky and uses a rotary dial to change the channel.

Mud Flaps

Posted in Music, People with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2011 by Jordan

While I was at the gym today a song on the radio caught my attention.  I was drawn in by the baritone voice of the singer and wondered who owned the soothing voice.  It took about five seconds of wracking my brain to identify the voice as that of pop diva Cher.  As I listened to Cher make my voice sound high I thought to myself, “where does Cher get off?”

As soon as Sonny and Cher ceased to exist, Cher started parading around in fishnet stockings and a little flap of cloth that barely covered her crotch.  I’m sure there is the odd grease ball out there that actually finds Cher attractive and loves the suggestive nature of her flap; however, if Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Miley Cyrus danced around on stage wearing fishnets and a crotch flap they would be nailed to a cross and probably forced to enter some sort of rehab.

The media holds a ridiculous double standard when it comes to female pop singers.  Old disgusting women like Cher and Madonna have a free pass to dress like ‘pros’; while, young attractive trendsetters are under constant media scrutiny and ridicule.  In order to maintain consistency, there needs to be a mandatory flap rule implemented for all female pop singers.  This way there will be no talk of who is pushing the envelope… there will only be a question of who wears the flap best.

The Whole Ball of Wax: Behind The Blogging

Posted in People with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2011 by Jordan

After 9 months of blogging, The Whole Ball of Wax’s has reached a significant milestone with the publication of its 100th post.  The Editor and Chief of The Whole Ball of Wax (Jordan) could use this opportunity to write something profound, but if The Simpson’s has taught Jordan anything it’s that when you reach a milestone you take that opportunity to reflect on your production to date.  Jordan also learned that the milestone episodes of The Simpson’s are traditionally the worst ones. Consequently, he apologizes in advance if this milestone post is a snoozer.

 

The Whole Ball of Wax was a lingering brainchild in the back of Jordan’s mind for a long time but never amounted to anything tangible until his pure hatred for the show Friends served as a starting point for the type of blogs he wanted to produce.  As a result, on April 2, 2010 the first article for The Whole Ball of Wax was published called Friends? Still?

 

Over the next month Jordan dabbled in as many topics as he possibly could in an effort to fulfill The Whole Ball of Wax’s mandate to be an all-encompassing source of information.  Jordan provided commentary on the Tiger Woods scandal; he showed his serious and historical side by addressing the anniversary of The Battle of Vimy Ridge, and produced the first of many “Grind My Gears” topics about how the saying, “it is what it is” really bothers him.  Despite the popularity of all these posts, it was his post called, “Battle of the Butts” that gave The Whole Ball of Wax and Jordan real notoriety.  This post about a dancing fart exploited the public’s perception on the topic and redefined the direction of The Whole Ball of Wax.

 

It became apparent to Jordan that he could try as hard as he wanted to educate his readers about historical and political events but what his readers really wanted to read were posts about farts, poops, and other low brow topics.  Consequently, The Whole Ball of Wax began publishing numerous posts about B.O., puke, and Jordan’s pooping habits.  These posts were received with unanimous approval; however, Jordan knew that he needed to get more out of his posts to satisfy his personal need to write about meaningful topics.

 

By the time Jordan realized The Whole Ball of Wax was no longer heading in the direction he wanted it was mid-November.  By this point Jordan was over-worked, exhausted, and in no position to change the direction of The Whole Ball of Wax.  To make matters worse, Jordan started abusing Fun Dip and Swedish Berries… His life was spiraling out of control.

 

By mid-December it had been a month since The Whole Ball of Wax had published an article. Luckily for Jordan and The Whole Ball of Wax, the LC got Jordan out of his hostile environment and took him to Ontario to spend Christmas with his family.  During the holidays, Jordan remembered why he started The Whole Ball of Wax in the first place and published a State of the Union article vowing to get things back on track and committed to publishing more articles.  It was on this day that Jordan shook the Fun Dip for good and switched from Swedish Berries to sugar free Big Feet.

 

Jordan is back in Halifax healthier than ever and Fun Deep free.  The Whole Ball of Wax has slowly regained the prowess it maintained in the early fall of 2010 and is showing signs of taking its posts to the next level.

 

For the Boys

Posted in People, Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2011 by Jordan

Twitter has expanded my mind in remarkable ways since signing up a couple of months ago.  I have been exposed to hilarious tweeters and bloggers who touch on numerous subjects. However, the golden nugget of twitter that has caught my attention like no other is a website called girlsinyogapants.com.  To me, this website is hilarious, filled with unsuspecting girls caught in both flattering and unflattering positions and girls that try way too hard.  There is nothing quite as pathetic as a girl posting a picture of themself standing in front of a mirror with their butt stuck out as far as they can stick it…. Oh wait yeah there is, posting a picture of themself doing the exact same thing on hotornot.com.

Major Dick Winters

Posted in History, People with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2011 by Jordan

Last night a tweet from Tom Hanks informed me that one of my heroes died last week.  Major Dick Winters died on January 2nd at the age of 92 after succumbing to a long battle with Parkinson’s disease.

 

An ordinary man in his own eyes, Maj. Winters rose to fame in 1992 with the publication of Stephen Ambrose’s book Band of Brothers.  This bestseller documents the story of Maj. Winters and E Company of the 506th Regiment in the 101st Airborne Division of the U.S. Army from D Day to VE Day.  Maj. Winters obtained his place in mainstream infamy in 2001 when Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks produced the story of Maj. Winters and E Company in a 10 part mini series based on Ambrose’s bestseller also called Band of Brothers.

 

A couple of years ago I picked up Maj. Winters memoirs called Beyond Band of Brothers.  In those memoirs Maj. Winters talked about his desire during the war to make it home safely and live his life in peace.  After the war, Maj. Winters lived a quiet and private life mostly outside of Hersey, Pennsylvania where he worked for himself as a farm supply salesman.  As a decorated war veteran, he is noted for his leadership and ability to lead by example in tough situations. However, he was never comfortable with the term “hero” when describing himself and that is why prior to his passing he requested that his death be kept private until after his funeral, which took place this past week.

 

It’s difficult to say how the story of a man I have never met and that is 66 years older than myself has resonated so deeply within me.  However, I think the appeal of Maj. Winters’ story is that it is one of an ordinary man who did extraordinary things because unforeseen circumstances required it of him.  All the while, he remained humble and indebted to his fellow soldiers.

 

I’m sure there are thousands of stories from WWII that are similar to Maj. Winters but most of those veterans are no longer with us to share their stories.  The average living WWII veteran is in their late 80s and some 1000 WWII veterans die worldwide everyday.  Time is running out to celebrate the lives of these living heroes but thanks to the documentation in Band of Brothers, Major Dick Winter will live in infamy.

 

 

Life Alert for Life

Posted in Technology, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2011 by Jordan

This world is an unpredictable place and one can never be too safe and caution while living in it, that’s why I just made a call to Life Alert.  Life Alert’s cutting edge and state of the art commercials convinced me that trouble is always right around the corner and that I can never be too prepared for dangerous situations.  If I had a nickel for every time I slipped in the shower and was unable to get up I would have zero extra cents.   However, Life Alert works like insurance.  You may not need it now but when you do… it will be sweet.

 

Back in the day when I was a Sandwich Artist working at Subway we used Life Alert on a daily basis.  For example, a guy asked for extra cheese one day.  I informed him that it would be an extra 50 cents for extra cheese.  He made it very clear that he would be taking the extra cheese but would not be paying the extra 50 cents.  As a result, I was forced to dial into Life Alert.

 

The conversation went something like this:

 

“Sandwich Artist Jordan, this is Life Alert.  Are you OK?”

“Not really, I think this guy wants extra cheese for free!”

“Hold on let me check… THIS IS LIFE ALERT, EXTRA CHEESE COSTS 50 CENTS.  PAY THE EXTRA 50 CENTS OR LEAVE NOW!”

“But Tim Horton’s gives extra cheese for free.”

“I FIND THAT VERY HARD TO BELIEVE, THE PROFIT MARGINS OF PROVIDING EXTRA CHEESE FOR FREE WOULD REDUCE THE TOTAL REVENUE OF A COMPANY TO MERE PENNIES!”

“No no, Tim Horton’s makes all their revenue off of coffee sales.”

“REALLY?  WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE TIM HORTON’S HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT.”

“Yeah, they have a pretty good operation over there.”

“IT SOUNDS LIKE IT!… WELL… HAVE A GOOD DAY.”

 

So then I gave the guy extra cheese for free… All thanks to Life Alert!

 

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