Archive for the Philosophy Category

Cheese Machine

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2011 by Jordan

Since last summer, my golf battery has been fully charged.  It’s not uncommon to find me chipping golf balls across my living room with the Golf Channel on in the background.  With a little more practice I’m fairly certain I’ll be able to flop a ball over the armchair with enough spin to stop it before it hits my guitar amp.  If my golf skills fail me, I’ll likely invest in one of the gadgets promoted on Golf Channel infomercials.  The V Harness should help coach my muscles into repeating the perfect golf swing while the Stack and Tilt video should help me keep my axis over the ball…whatever that means.  Should my frustration for golf overtake my passion for the game, I will likely sell my clubs and buy a Cheese Machine.  This should enable me to obtain my life long dream of producing copious amounts of cheese.  Soon the world will need cheese and I will be the one to provide it.

Zinger!

Posted in Philosophy with tags on September 20, 2010 by Jordan

I keep hearing jokes that I think are hysterical so I’ve created a page (right hand column) to record them.  So check into the joke page from time to time to see what I think is funny.

Most will be dirty so don’t leave any comment about how dirty they are cause I already know they are dirty.

Feel free to leave your own and if I like them I may just add them to the list.

A Steak Better

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , on September 20, 2010 by Jordan

Today I discovered a way to become rich beyond my wildest dreams.  Two words… DISCOUNT MEAT.

I went to the grocery story to buy a Wii accessory and decided to pick up some steaks for myself and the LC.  To my surprise, there were two top sirloin steaks 30% OFF.  Why were they 30% OFF?  They expired tomorrow.  Sure they looked a little pale and smelled a little off but they grilled up to perfection.   It was honestly one of the best steak I’ve had in a while which caused me to proclaim at dinner that I will only eat discount meat from this day forward.

The math is simple.   Two $10 steaks at 30% OFF would allow me to save $6 dollars a week on steak alone.  If I start buying chicken, pork and fish at 30% OFF every week I’m going to be saving a solid $20-$25 a week on meat.  This doesn’t seem like a lot but it would add up over the year.

The real key to becoming rich on discount meat is to convince your significant other that the meat is such a good deal that they should just pay for it all.  This is what I did today.  So, rather than saving a measly $6 on steak I saved $20 because I didn’t pay for it at all.

That’s just good economic sense if you ask me.

Everybody Poops But Does Everybody Poop Comfortably?

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , on August 30, 2010 by Jordan

After a two week hiatus The Whole Ball of Wax is back refreshed and rarin’ to go!  I took a trip back to the homeland in Southern Ontario to spend some time with the family, which was a great little vaca for a variety of reasons.  It’s always nice to see friends and family but the fact that I am extremely comfortable pooping in my parent’s bathrooms is the primary reason why I keep going back to visit.

A comfortable pooping environment is paramount in my life and the lack of this environment is the reason why I never once took a poop at school until I was in university.  Even then I only pooped in one bathroom. …The handicap bathroom in the basement of one of the libraries.  This was the only place I ever felt comfortable enough to poop in my entire academic career.  Quiet, spacious and not a handicapped person in sight were the main reasons.

Similarly, I always feel comfortable taking a poop at my parent’s house.  It’s not just because I’ve destroyed every toilet in that house countless times either.  It’s because I know what kind of space I’m dealing with, I know where the extra shit tickets are, and I know I can take my shirt off should the need arise.  Shirts off poops are just the best as far as I’m concerned and having this luxury can really make a vacation special.

I’ll tell you one thing, the day I don’t feel comfortable enough to take my shirt off while pooping at my parents house is the day I don’t feel at home and thus the day I stop visiting my parents.

Losing Faith in the Human Race

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , on August 14, 2010 by Jordan

For anyone that has taken a political theory class or a philosophy class about some of the great thinkers of history you’ve undoubtedly learned about a guy named Thomas Hobbes. Hobbes is probably most recognized for writing Leviathan which speculates about a world without government where each person would have a right to anything in the world. Hobbes called this the state of nature. Hobbes argued that the state of nature would turn to chaos because it is instinctive in man to be greedy and do whatever it takes to benefit themselves. Another great philosopher named John Locke argued that humans were intrinsically good people and would work together in the state of nature to benefit each other and the common good.

As a student, I always liked to side with Locke’s arguments and think that people would put their own selfish interests aside and help each other. However, I have heard more than enough outrageous stories about selfish, perverted and nasty people in the last two weeks to make me think humankind wouldn’t stand a chance in Hobbes’ state of nature.

There is of course the guy I recently wrote about that tried to marinate his living cat so he could eat it for dinner that night. There was the girl from Burlington who faked having cancer so effectively that she managed to scam the community for some 30 plus thousand dollars in charitable donations. Reports yesterday told the story that a man had been charged for serial faking seizures at restaurants in order to get out of paying his bill. Apparently this guy would eat his meal and then with like six bites left he would just shut it down and fake a seizure. These three cases are all pretty bad but you know the world is headed for shit when a story like this comes out of the most magical place in the world… Disney Land! Apparently the guy dressed up as Donald Duck grabbed himself a wing full of boobs and then made a grotesque and sexual jester at the women when she shunned the famous duck with a speach impediment. Apparently, things at Disney have gotten so bad they had to hire Antoine Dodson to create their newest slogan, “Ya’ll betta hide ya kidz, hide ya wife and hide ya huzbin cuz eddybudy gettin titty grabbed out heya!”

Now if a woman can’t go to Disney Land without getting her titties all felt up by Donald Duck and Disney can’t function without the support of Antoine Dodson how are humans going to live in Hobbes’ state of nature where everyone has the right to everything?

Squatting the Puke Out of Myself

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , on July 30, 2010 by Jordan

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not as physically active as I was a year ago. However, I do my best to go to the gym on a daily basis. The gym I attend has decent equipment and the membership fees are fairly reasonable. The down sides to the gym are two fold. First, its members consist of the ugliest people in the entire country. A female armadillo would look hot in this gym should one ever decide to join. Second, the gym is infested with sleeve monsters. As a result, it is pretty tough to get changed and into the gym before your sleeves disappear. Because of the sleeve monsters, I like to get in and get out in under an hour. I thought this would give me the results I desired but I feel I’m not measuring up to the sleeveless monkeys who workout next to me. As a result, I did some research and came to the conclusion that I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. Consequently, I have embedded the provided video into my brain so that I will always know how to push the limits of my body and hopefully end up as fit as the guy in the video.

Saturday’s are Reserved for Shower Days

Posted in Philosophy on June 20, 2010 by Jordan

Statistics show that The Whole Ball of Wax receives the fewest number of visitors on Saturdays.  Infact, the three Saturday’s before yesterday each had zero visitors.  Here is a list of the top ten things The Whole Ball of Wax readers do on Saturday’s instead of reading The Whole Ball of Wax.

10.  Go rock bass fishing at the local dam.  Catch a rock bass, put it back, catch it again.

9.  Survey the neighbourhood yard sales looking for an illusive and rare aluminum Easton hockey shaft.

8.  Attend 4H Club meetings because you discovered 4H is 4U.

7.  Stream LIVE Indian cricket matches on your computer because you’re looking to take a nap

6.  Saturdays are devoted to updating your Facebook status hourly so your “friends” know exactly what you are doing.  For future reference, status should read “John Smith is NOT reading The Whole Ball of Wax”

5.  Revolve your day around pre-drinking for the Buck and Doe that night.

4. Read Harry Potter Books on a blue velvet chair you found in the alley behind your apartment building.

3.  You tried to visit The Whole Ball of Wax but end up at The Whole Ball of Wax in a Nutshell, which caused you to become too enlightened for this blog.

2. Visit the local Two Way Petting Zoo.  You pet the animals, they pet you back.

1.    You knew that there would be nothing new posted because I don’t even visit The Whole Ball of Wax on Saturdays.

Oh My Land

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , on April 18, 2010 by Jordan

Who decided swear words were bad?

Growing up I wouldn’t dare swear around my parents nor did I ever really hear swearing on T. V. or in any other aspect of my life.  However, as I get a little older and dictate my own rules I swear quite a bit and incorporate swearing in my daily conversations.  What I don’t get is why swearing offends anyone at all.

When you were a kid and someone called you a “doo doo head” or something stupid like that at school, a teacher would say, “sticks and stones cam break your bones but names will never hurt you.”  So if this is the case, why does a simple four-letter word get some people’s delicates in such a bunch?

I work with a church going women who wouldn’t say shit if her mouth was full of it.  She also wouldn’t swear if her life depended on it.  Me being the courteous young man I am, I watch my tongue as a means of not offending her.  However, this woman may not swear in the traditional sense but she has alternative words that she uses to swear on a daily basis.  For example, shit is replaced by stink, fuck is replaced by frick and oh my god is replaced by oh my land.

Why are these synonyms acceptable but the versions I want to use are not?  This woman’s alternatives annoy me because I know what she means and I am bothered that she just doesn’t say “SHIT” when she accidently deletes a file instead of “STINK”.  “STINK,” sounds stupid, it’s irritating and it bugs me.

The power and meaning of words in such trivial circumstances are way to overrated.  Four-letter words carry no hate towards distinct groups and are little more than words society has historically deemed as inappropriate.  The meaning of words has evolved since language was created ions ago.  I think it’s time society relaxes its stance on “four-letter” words and concerns itself with words that actually carry harmful and hurtful meaning.

Battle of the Butts

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2010 by Jordan

I would love to find a way to add up all the time I have wasted in my life waiting for public transit because I am sure that it is a great deal!  Being dependent on the bus and having to share my personal space with many of societies most retched people is not what I would exactly call fun but it does afford me a great deal of time to ponder various thoughts and ideas.  I would like to share one of these instances.

The other day I was waiting for the bus after work so that I could go home.  It was a rather nice day and as per usual the bus stop was quite busy.  Where I grab the bus to go home is actually a bus loop not a bus stop.  For those that don’t know the difference, a bus loop is typically the end or start of the line for many bus routes (so lots of bus traffic and thus lots of people).  Regardless, as I waited for the bus I was listened to some tunes minded my own business as I usually do.  As I mentioned it was nice outside so I wasn’t overly disheartened by the lateness of the bus on this particular day.  The bus delay actually allowed me to be swept away by my thought.

It is typical at the bus loop to have a host of smokers in your presence.  As a non-smoker, I’m not overly enthralled to be in the presence of a smoker’s smoke but what can you do when you are outside in public?  However, on this day there was an underbelly that proceeded to chain smoke and pace about the bus loop.  The bus loop is fairly large but he decided to concentrate his pacing in and around my personal space.  He basically walked constant figure eights around me until his plume of smoke made me look like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. It was at this point I thought to myself, “this is such bullshit!”  I quickly scanned the loop to see if there were any “No Smoking” signs around… there were not.  So, I really had no grounds to tell him to beat it.  So this is what I did.

I took another quick scan of the area to see if there were any “No Farting” signs… there were not.  I had been holding in a pretty good fart for the better part of the afternoon in an attempt to save my office mate the displeasure of smelling one of my unique and vile farts.  I then proceeded to pace around the bus loop while constantly farting.  This fart was so long and fluid that if farts had colour it would have looked like a rhythmic gymnasts’ ribbon dancing ever so elegantly through the air.  I swear it was no longer then 3 seconds after I returned to my original position that I saw everyone around me rub their noses desperately seeking the scent of something clean and fresh.  I stood there desperately wanting someone to say something… but to no avail.

The point is, if it’s ok for strangers to infiltrate your nose and lungs with their smoke on a daily basis, why is it taboo to shit yourself in public and act like nothing abnormal just happened?  I have yet to hear of anyone getting lung cancer from inhaling too many second hand farts or of a mother giving her baby asthma because she smelled too many of her own farted during her pregnancy.

Think about that!

%d bloggers like this: