Archive for the Politics Category

Hello my name is…

Posted in History, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2011 by Jordan

When my older sister Jessica was born, my parents appropriately gave her the middle name Marie, which was the same middle name given to my grandmother.  Years later, it was discover that my sisters middle name was inappropriately given because my grandmother realized (after looking at her birth certificate more closely) that her middle name was actually Mary and not Marie. As a result, my sister Jessica Marie is aptly named after no one in particular.

In 1497, the Italian explorer Giovanni Caboto, who was sponsored by England, discovered parts of North America that had not been visited by Europeans since the Norse Vikings in the eleventh century. Although the actual landing sight of Caboto’s voyage is not 100% agreed upon by historians it is certain that he did land somewhere in the Canadian Maritimes.  Caboto’s financial connection to England saw his name anglicized to John Cabot and thus identified in Canadian history books as such.

The National Congress of Italian-Canadians has recently established momentum in their quest to have Cape Breton’s Cabot Trail renamed the Caboto Trail.  This movement seeks to have the anglicized name of the Cabot Trail renamed to reflect the Italian spelling of Cabot’s last name.  Naturally, the addition of an “o” to the end of Cabot has left many Maritimers up in arms and livid over the proposed name change. The arguments against the name change are valid; after all, Cabot is a simple name, a traditional name, and an English name. However, it is contextually and historically inaccurate.

When you think about it, calling the trail “Cabot” after Giovanni Caboto is the equivalent of calling Montreal’s airport the Peter Elliot Trudeau International Airport because the english pronunciation of Pierre is preferred.  Or, like CBC calling David Suzuki’s show The Nature of Things with David Smith because they felt entitled to give Suzuki an english last name because they pay the bills for his show. It’s ridiculous to think that either of these scenarios would be accepted by the public today, so why is it that this same public is so resistant to changing the name of a highway from Cabot to Caboto even though it is both logical and accurate?

It’s high time peoples’ names are represented accurately and accordingly.  When a baby is born, the only thing they own is their name; consequently, that name should be cherished and respected. There is nothing quite as aggravating as being called by the wrong name or having your named mispronounced. Giovanni Caboto probably moved with excitement in his grave for the first time in 512 years at the mere prospect of English Canadians giving his name the respect it deserves. Consequently, I look forward to driving all 289 km of the Caboto Trail this summer and telling my sister Jessica Mary all about it.

This Tarp is Just Right

Posted in Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2010 by Jordan

The election of Rob Ford as Toronto’s new mayor is old news.  Similarly, the nonsensical speech by Don Cherry at Ford’s inauguration is also old news.  What’s not old news is where Rob Ford buys his suits.

 

I have it on good authority that Ford’s suit purchasing strategy is a two prong attack.  First, he travels to Toronto’s Fashion District and enters the Mountain Equipment Co-op.  Upon entering the store he heads straight to the tent section and seeks out the tarps used as ground sheets and the like.  He selects the colour of his choice (usually something dark for a slimming effect) and pays about $13 for it.

 

The second prong in Ford’s strategy involves the employment of a tailor that specializes in maternity fittings.  When Ford meets with his special tailor, a forklift raises him about a foot and a half off the ground.  Once in position, the special tailor goes to work.  The tarp is draped over Ford’s back and shoulders and is fastened in place with a novelty safety pin.  When it is clear that the tarp will not fall off of Ford’s frame, the tarp is reinforced with chain mail.  After the tarp obtains the strength of chain mail, old hubcaps are sown down the breast of the tarp as a means of closing the front of the tarp/suit.  Once all three-hubcaps are in place the novelty safety pin is removed.  At this point, Ford jumps into a pair of darkly dyed clown pants and climbs aboard the Gravy Train enroute to making promises he can’t keep.

 

State of the Union

Posted in Politics with tags , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2010 by Jordan

Fellow Ball of Waxers

The premises for which The Whole Ball of Wax was establish requires that its faithful readers be addressed from time to time on the State of its Union.

From the time of its creation some eight months ago, The Whole Ball of Wax has sought to deliver posts on a tri-daily if not bi-daily basis.  In the first month we hit this mark only to find ourselves falter in the next two.  After a steep learning curve we found our stride in July producing 16 posts and topped it in September with 17.  Although article posts were down in the month of November, it was the only month where The Whole Ball of Wax had daily activity thanks to our successful Movemeber campaign.  Despite this great productivity, it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to notice the lack of production on this site in the month of December.

Over the past few weeks, visitors have navigated to The Whole Ball of Wax hoping for something new to read.  Instead, they continue to read the heading Ballsy Journey. This stagnant state has prompted the rumor mill in Whole Ball of Wax Land to turn frantically.  Today we set out to crush these rumors and to set the record straight.

Some have suggested that the recent Nor’easters that pounded the Halifax area cut off our Internet connection.  Although the strong winds from the storm did blow a lady into oncoming traffic last week leaving her in hysterics, the Internet has remained in tact.  Others have speculated that the writers of The Whole Ball of Wax have left to write for The Whole Ball of Yarn over in Dartmouth.  Although the offers were lucrative, all full time writers remain with The Whole Ball of Wax.  Finally, readers have suggested blogging is dead.  After weeks of research, we have decided this statement is untrue… Wikipedia said so.

The fact of the matter is, we at The Whole Ball of Wax have succumbed to the pressures of the man.  Long days and long nights have left us sleeping like a dog and with no time or energy for production.  However, with holidays looming and a New Year approaching, The Whole Ball of Wax can say with certainty that we are once again open for business.  It is hoped that diligence and commitment will make up the difference for the month of December and carry us into the New Year.

Thank you for reading and God bless The Whole Ball of Wax.

Forced Me to Eat It

Posted in People, Politics with tags , on November 16, 2010 by Jordan

A lot of videos have been posted on The Whole Ball of Wax, all of which I think are hilarious.  However, I’m starting to notice a regional trend with a lot of the videos posted on this high quality blog.  The Southern United States has some of the most interesting and ridiculous people that this world has to offer.  This news story is similar to the Antoin Dodson story posted in August in the sense that it is a serious situation that is made hilarious by the caricatures involved.  This entire video is funny to me but if you want the Coles Notes version just watch from 1:26 to 1:32.  If you don’t think these 6 seconds are hilarious please do not ever read this blog again because you do not have the sense of humor we are looking for around these parts.

Enjoy!

A Month to Movember

Posted in Politics with tags , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2010 by Jordan

I’m sure you all know that the month of November no longer exists and that it has been replaced by the month of Movember.  For those that are unfamiliar with Movember let me clarify that the month formally known as November is a month dedicated to growing a mustache as a means of creating awareness and funds for men’s health issues (particularly prostate cancer).  The great mustache growing campaign began as a grassroots movement in Australia in the early 2000s with just 30 Mo Bros participating and has since spread worldwide accumulating almost 700,000 Mo Bros and Mo Sistas.

 

I’ve grown many beards and mos (Australian slang for mustache) for pleasure in my day but have never grown a mo for a cause.  As this is my first Movember campaign, I encourage all able Bros and Sistas with a little French in them to neglect their upper lips for the month and see if we can’t drum up some awareness and funds for men’s health issues in Canada.

 

I will post a picture of my upper lip follicles in action everyday for all readers to see the Tom Selleck in me.  You will be able to check my daily mo progress by clicking on the Movember topic in the side bar.

 

Should anyway have some spare change to donate after a very busy fundraising October and desire to donate to the Movember cause, you can donate to me or my team by clicking on the link below and typing either my name or my team’s name (edustache) in the Search Box.

 

http://ca.movember.com/donate/find-member/

 

Remember, with great mustache comes great responsibility so lets all do our part.

 

Rent is Too Damn High

Posted in Politics with tags , , on October 22, 2010 by Jordan

This guy couldn’t be more accurate. 

My rent is so damn high I tried to eat a Justin Bieber poster yesterday thinking it was a mini marshmallow with a dust bunny on it.

My rent is so damn high I have to talk poorly of people without being a karate expert because I can’t afford karate lessons.

My rent is so damn high my life savings consists of a roll of pennies that I often mistake as Reese’s Pieces

My rent is so damn high I have purple drink for breakfast, lunch and dinner and started pissing purple three weeks ago but can’t go to the doctors.  Why?  Because my rent is too damn high.

My rent is so damn I have to buy Aylmer ketchup.

State of Emergency has Newfoundlander’s Jonesin’ for a Cold Drink

Posted in Politics, Travel on September 21, 2010 by Jordan

The Avalon Peninsula in Newfoundland was pounded by Hurricane Igor today, which caused a number of towns and cities to declare states of emergency.  After seeing the damage and hearing the personal stories of many Newfoundlanders, it made me thankful that Hurricane Earl was such a joke when it passed over Halifax a couple of weeks ago.

There was the one man who’s abandoned boat and fishing nets blew into his neighbours yard.  Now the army will have to be called in to move the boat back to its rightful place on the guy’s front yard.

There was the other guy whose sitting pale had to be flipped right side up to catch the water leaking through his ceiling.  Now the guy has nowhere to sit and will be forced to stand until Igor has cleared the area.

There was the one house whose street side mailbox disappeared.  Where is the welfare cheque going to go now?  One things for sure, the mailman isn’t going to go out of his way to deliver the cheque unless this house gets a new mailbox pronto.

The most devastating and region wide problem is the loss of power.  Most Newfoundlanders are out of cold beer and have begun drinking the warm ones that hadn’t yet had a chance to make it to the fridge.  Unless power is restored in time for the liquor stores to open tomorrow it is expected that absolute chaos and pandemonium will sweep through the region… Wrestlemania style.

In all seriousness though, it does look pretty bad over there so somebody should probably go and help them out.

God Save the Queen

Posted in History, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2010 by Jordan

With the Queen in the middle of her 22nd official visit to Canada I have found myself caught up in the Royal hoopla.  She made her first visit to Nova Scotia in 16 years and I even caught a glimpse of her majesty through binoculars as she sailed pasted my office building amidst the international fleet review. I could tell it was her because she was the only person on the ship wearing white and her hat had a big white flower on it.  Also, I could easily tell which person was Stephen Harper because his onion loaf coif danced rather majestically as it was tossed about by the sea breeze.

I’m not sure why but I have always been an advocate for the royals and for the Queen’s role as the Head of State for Canada.  I look at the Queen and I see the epitome of elegance and grace.  She’s a complete geezer yet she sucked it up when the rain came in sideways upon her arrival to Halifax, she didn’t hesitate to walk through a soggy field to look at teepees, nor did she waver when taught how to play a native game that looked ridiculous.  She rarely smiles but always says the right things that make Canadians feel good about themselves and to top it all off she looked radiant in her red dress and white hat on Canada Day.

Despite all this there is a less flattering side to the Queen the goes unnoticed.  There is no way the Queen has lived her 84 years without having explosive diarrhea and had an occasion where she barely made it to the “crappie” without pooping herself.  I’m sure she’s even had the odd poop that has left her out of breath and whipping beads of sweat off her forehead, opening windows and spraying Glade Summer Breeze in the air.  There is also no way she hasn’t had a fart that goes drastically up in pitch as it concludes.  She’s probably been so sick she puked her guts out and popped blood vessels in her face. She has probably flossed her teeth and been in need of a blood transfusion afterwards because her gums bled so badly.  She probably shaves her armpits and has had her upper lip waxed (maybe not the upper lip… she’s not French after all).  She’s probably had B.O. at least once.  I guarantee she’s had food stuck in her teeth and no one told her.  She has pretty fancy clothes but I’ll bet she has picked lint out of her belly button and sweaty fuzz from between her toes.  Maybe the Queen has an outty and doesn’t get belly button lint… I don’t know I’m not a doctor.

The list of unflattering things the Queen has done in her life is probably as big as her annual spending habits.  The point is, no matter how elegant and graceful a person is and no matter how high that person is placed on a pedestal by society, everyone has to take a shit at some point in their life and it probably doesn’t smell like freshly baked cinnamon buns.

Happy Canada Day!

Posted in History, Politics on July 2, 2010 by Jordan

I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy belated Canada Day.  My Canada Day was fairly uneventful but I did manage to take in the very average fireworks that the city of Halifax fired off on the water front.  The fireworks were so riveting they caused my heart rate to accelerate by one beat per minute throughout their duration. Despite this run of the mill fireworks display, Canada is 143 years old and a hell of a country that we should all be grateful to live in.  The exception of course is when police officers beat the crap out of you for no apparent reason when you happen to be in Toronto when it is hosting the G20 Summit.  Other then that, it’s a hell of a country!

Political Brainchilds

Posted in Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2010 by Jordan

One of my favourite things about politics is when politicians really roll up their sleeves and tackle the pressing issues concerning the nation today.  These issues more often then not require serious collaboration between politicians and political parties.  Lets delve into some of the current issues occupying the time of the leaders of this country.

May 4th was the 100th anniversary of the Canadian Navy and on this day I read an interesting article regarding a number of Canadian politicians that were trying to have the name of the Canadian Navy changed to the “Canadian Navy”.  That’s right, Canadian politicians are debating if the Canadian Navy should be called the Canadian Navy.  This debate actual isn’t as stupid as I’m making it sound.  The Canadian Navy has actually been called the Maritime Command since 1968 believe it or not.  What’s dumber then this debate is that someone thought it was a good idea to call the Navy the Maritime Command.  Everyday I drive past HMC Dockyard in Halifax and on the side of one of the main buildings it says in big red letters “Canada’s East Coast Navy”.  Even if you try to go to the Navy’s website it says “Canadian Navy” not “Maritime Command” on the top of the web page.  Consequently, my response to this debate is two fold.  First, why would someone waste brain energy thinking up an alternate name to Navy?  Second, if everyone (including the Navy) already calls the Maritime Command the Navy anyway, why is there a debate?  Just change the damn name before too many countries find out about our stupid Canadian logic.

This past week I heard on the radio that a few individuals from the Canadian Senate are trying to adopt a national bird.  I found this rather amuzing because if you think about it the American’s have already adopted the king of all birds (the eagle incase you’re an idiot) so any bird Canada adopts is just going to look inferior to the eagle.  Knowing Canadian’s, the bird chosen will likely be the robin so that will only contribute to Canada’s inferiority complex.  I think the only solutions to this debate are for the Senate to tone it down and remember that the Canadian Red Chamber is a joke and a waste of money in it’s present state or for Canada to adopt the pterodactyl as the national bird.  Best Coat of Arms ever!

The last very important point of discussion I have heard politicians talking about recently is Bill Shatner for the next Governor General.  I think this is a great idea!  Canada will become a force to be reckoned with.  Think about it, the feared Canadian Maritime Command, pterodacty coat of arms and Captain Kirk running the show.  I just shit my pants thinking about it.

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