Archive for the Sports Category

I Will Wear… You… Out.

Posted in People, Sports with tags , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by Jordan

It’s recently come to surface that professional skank and former Tiger Woods mistress Joslyn James is taking orders for a sex tape of her and the big cat.  I believe the tape is to be releases in mid-November and will likely make that wretched parasite James a pretty penny.  This could actually be good for Tiger though.  If Paris Hilton can become richer and more famous after releasing multiple sex tapes surely Tiger can win a golf tournament and make watching golf enjoyable once again. 

Although the scrutinizing public has to wait until mid-November to view the graphic video, we at The Whole Ball of Wax called in a few favours from Joslyn James (none of which we are overly proud of) and obtained the video more then a full month before everyone else. 


CFL… So Hot Right Now… So Hot

Posted in Sports with tags , , on September 14, 2010 by Jordan

The CFL showed its legitimacy as a league yet again today when the Edmonton Eskimos hired sexual assaulter Eric Tillman as their new GM.  Apparently the talent pool is so small for people actually wanting to work in the CFL that the teenage diddler was the best the Eskimos could round up after a marathon search.  Tillman sexually assaulted his kid’s 16-year old baby sitter after listening to Hayden’s “Bad as They Seem” last summer.  Apparently he wanted to prove the lyrics in the song could be more then just a dream.   In addition to playing grab ass with teenage girls, Tillman was a prescription drug addict at the time of the incident.  Tillman has obviously had ample time to overcome his vices after pleading guilty to his charges earlier this year.

In addition to the Eskimos hiring Tillman, the city of Edmonton also employed the services of Anton Dodson today who came up with the city’s new slogan, “Hide ya kidz, Hide ya kidz babysitta, and hide ya pain medz cause evy buddy gettin assaulted up heya!”

Bowling – East Coast Style

Posted in Sports, Technology, Travel with tags , , on September 12, 2010 by Jordan

Due to popular demand here’s my second video blog.  The LC and I went on a double date to the local bowlarama and I had to record a video of just how ghetto the bowling situation is here on the East Coast.  People in the Maritimes are so in the dark about bowling technology they speak of automatic scoring like it is science fiction and refer to real 10-pin bowling as “Big Ball Bowling”.

Great fisherman on the East Coast though… so they have that going for them.

Rattling Cages

Posted in Sports with tags on July 25, 2010 by Jordan

Every year I dread when the CFL season starts up and it’s not because I don’t like football.  I will watch an NFL game on Sundays but I just cannot get into watching or following the CFL. I have been to two CFL games in my life.  The first was the Grey Cup a few years back, which was actually kind of entertaining.  The second was the BC Lions home opener three years ago.  I recall watching one or two plays, the next thing I remembered were my buddies waking me up in the forth quarter so we could get an early start at the bar.  I have not been back to a CFL game since spending 50 bucks to take a nap.

There are two things that bother me the most about the CFL.  The first is that the CFL prides itself on having three down as opposed to four.  This is what makes the CFL junk in my opinion!  Having just three downs makes the league unbelievably predictable.  First down… run the ball.  Second down… throw the ball.  Third down… punt the ball.  I’m honestly not sure why quarterbacks even bother running the ball.  The field is the size of small lake so there is ample room for a receiver to find an open hole to catch the ball.   The CFL should just get rid of running backs entirely and add another receiver… that would be something to pride a league on.

The second thing that drives me crazy is that TSN’s coverage of the CFL is almost as extensive as their coverage of the NHL trade deadline (I’m not a fan of that either).  The CFL season occurs at a time when not much other then baseball is occurring in the sports world.  As a result, TSN has the time to debate and discuss the events of the CFL incessantly.  “What do the Eskimos have to do to win a game?” they discuss.  “Run the ball more.” “Pass the ball more.” “New coach to shuffle things up.” The CFL panel bats around all these ideas ALL THE TIME.  I don’t care about any of these ideas, their logic or reasoning.  Show me some golf highlights, a crash in racing, Serrina Williams’ huge ass, or John Daly’s huge ass.  I will take any type of sports highlight that does not show people with water melons on their heads, a practice at a high school football field, or a debate centered around the city of Ottawa trying to get yet another franchise and calling it the Roughriders…. “Ottawa, there are only seven names you can’t use and Roughriders is one of them… get that through your head!”

Probert Loses His First Fight Ever

Posted in Sports with tags , , , on July 6, 2010 by Jordan

Legendary Red Wings enforcer Bob Probert died yesterday of a heart attack at the age of 45. Perhaps the best NHL fighter of all time, Probert accumulated 3300 PIMs in just 935 games. Although he had a reputation as a fighter, Probert had some skill behind his fists of steel. In the 1987-88 season Probert accumulated 29 goals, 33 assists and 398 PIMs which earned him his first and only selection to the annual All-Star game. Probert also holds the distinction as the last player to score an NHL goal at Maple Leaf Gardens. Probert had a number of alcohol and substance abuse problems and wasn’t shy to have frequent encounters with the law. Despite all his off-ice problems and career as a fighter he still seemed like a well spoken and good guy. The kind of guy you would want to sit down and have a beer with (if he weren’t an alcoholic that is).

Robert A. Probert 1965-2010

Shooting Gallery

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2010 by Jordan

More then 50 games have been played at the 2010 World Cup as it enters the last week of play. I have watched many of the games when possible and I am beginning to wonder if the World Cup is a showcase of the world’s best soccer players or the world’s best snipers. I have never seen so many players go down like a tone of bricks time and time again. A big reason for the shootings has to be because of the poor security in South Africa. Before the tournament began I had heard that South Africa had spent about $30 million on security for the month long tournament. This differs greatly with the more than $1 billion dollars Canada spent on security for the G8 and G20 Summits in Huntsville and Toronto that lasted for about 5 days. Consequently, there is no way the security personnel can search every fan and apprehend their assault rifles before every match. Regardless, I have to give the players credit. They are continuously shot in their lower limbs, cry incessantly, and almost always find a way to shake it off in less then a minute and appear to be perfectly fine. I guess the snipers should aim for the heart in 2014 in Brazil.

Gary Bettman VS. Pee Wee Herman in an ALL OUT DEATH MATCH!

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2010 by Jordan

Without question the fight of the century is taking place tomorrow night at UFC 115 in Vancouver, BC.  The highly anticipated match will see the Commissioner of the NHL, Gary Bettman take on the star of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Pee Wee Herman in an all out death match.  The unadvertised and highly controversial match will commence at 8 pm (PT) in the concourse of GM Place and is expected to draw fans from all over the world.

The match is expected to be highly contested with an end result easily going either way.  Both combatants have exactly the same specs, fighting style and haircut.  The only factors that could reduce the overall quality of this fight are Bettman’s strong desire to move the fight to Glendale, Arizona and the fact that Gary Bettman and Pee Wee Herman are the EXACT SAME PERSON!  Consequently, spectators will have a real life Fight Club on their hands.

Pee Wee Herman will take the match of the century compliments of a challenge to Bettman to not shake his head while he speaks.  Bettman will become so frustrated by his inability to perform such a simple task that he will kill himself by overdosing on overpriced cotton candy and bottled water.

A death match for the ages!

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