Archive for the Sports Category

The “Golden Boy” Lays a “Golden Egg”

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2010 by Jordan

Bush league players making up a bush league team.

Last weekend was the gold medal game for the 2010 Hockey World Championships in Germany.  Canada was not a participant in this game however after exiting the tournament in the quarterfinals with a 5-2 loss to the Russians.  I don’t really understand why Canadians don’t seem to care about the World Championships but they don’t.  Perhaps it’s because the tournament is rarely in North America or because it is over shadowed by the Stanley Cup playoffs.  I personally feel that it is because Canada sends a combination of the “B” and “C” squad players every year.  Obviously not all the best Canadian players can participate in the tournament depending on their success in the Stanley Cup playoffs.  However, a number of the best Canadian hockey players often forgo participating in the World Championships following their dismissal from the Stanley Cup playoffs with what I would consider very feeble excuses.

Living in “Crosby Land” I witness on a daily basis what an impact “The Messiah” has on this small community.  People that played novice hockey with him reminisce about “the good old days” and people that were at the Cole Harbour Subway at the same time as him once speak of him like they are best friends saying things like, “Sid had a great game last, just great!”  (Obviously because they are from Cole Harbour, they are on a “Sid” name basis with Crosby.)  When Crosby rejected Mark Messier’s offer to join Team Canada in Germany at the World Championships (I wonder if he had the jam to do this himself by the way?), Crosby’s reasoning and the community’s support of Crosby’s decision disappointed and frustrated me immensely.

Crosby declined Messier’s offer sighting that it had been a long two years making it to the Stanley Cup finals back to back years and playing in the Olympics this past February.  One of the local radio stations held a pole asking listeners if Crosby should have gone to the World Championships or not and 85% supported his decision and reasoning not to attend the World Championships.

I want to make one thing clear before I continue; I am not a Crosby hater.  Crosby plays the game right and I have a lot of respect for that.  However, his rejection of the World Championship and reasoning to go along with his rejection is a pathetic and I believe it adds “diva” to the many adjectives used to describe Sidney Crosby.

Canada’s roster at the World Championships had one player on it from the Olympic roster and that was Cory Perry.  The Russians had fourteen players on their roster that were also in the Olympics and among those 14 players were Pavel Datsyuk, Sergie Gonchar and Evgeni Malkin.  Last time I checked all three of these players also played in the same back to back Stanley Cup Finals that Crosby played in.  Even more, in Canada’s 5-2 loss to the Russians that eliminated them from the tournament Datsyuk and Malkin combined for 3 of Russia’s 5 goals.  Do you think Crosby could have been of some help in this game?

People need to remember Crosby is a 23-year-old kid that has not yet come close the Gretzky like greatness.  In my opinion, he has also not earned the right to decline an invitation to help Hockey Canada because he doesn’t feel like playing and would prefer to rest.  He’s 23 years old, in peak physical condition, had no injuries at the time of the invitation and was asked to play in half a tournament.  Consequently, I would say the “Golden Boy” could learn a lot from his Russian colleagues about patriotism and dedication.

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Mark Wahlberg Talks to Athletes

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , on May 9, 2010 by Jordan

This post is inspired by Saturday Night Lives sketch called “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals”, I call this one “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Athletes”

“Hey, I’m Mark Wahlberg… you guys know me.  I use to be called Marky Mark.  That’s right, Marky Mark. Let’s go talk to some athletes”

“Hey Tiger Woods.  You’re not a real Tiger are you?  You don’t look like one?  What’s that all about?  I heard you pulled out of the Playa’s Championship.  Was that because you were confused by the name of the tournament and were disappointed that there weren’t any girls there?  I played golf in an episode of Entourage once.  I produce Entourage.  That’s pretty cool.  Alright, say hi to your motha for me.”

“Ok, now I’m gonna talk to a hockey playa.”

“Hey Johan, I’m Mark Wahlberg.  Johan’s a pretty gay name what’s up with that?  Is it French or something?  I heard they call you the mule.  I talked to a donkey once.  That was pretty awesome.  I like donkeys and now I like mules.  Hey, did you ever see The Departed?  I was in that.  Well… say hi to your motha.”

“Now I’m gonna talk to Shaq.”

“Hey Shaq, you know me I was in We Own the Night, that was a good movie.  I like your head, it’s totally bald and smooth.  Did you see how much hair I had in Rock Star? That was an awesome movie.  You know how they call you The Diesel?  Do you drive a diesel car?  I don’t.   Your feet are huge… what’s that all about?  Alright, well…. say hi to your motha for me.”

“Ok now I’m going to talk to Michael Phelps.”

“Hi Michael Phelps you’re a swimmer right?  That’s cool.  Did you see me swim in the ice cold water in the Italian Job?  That water wasn’t actually that cold… the ice was Styrofoam.  Hey, you smoked pot one time.  Do you still?  Cause I do.  What’s up with the intense face?  I’m pretty intense.  You want to see me do push ups?  Hey, you eat a lot right?  What’s up with that?  I don’t.  Alright, cool… say hi to your motha for me.”

Putting the Ass in Class

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2010 by Jordan

It’s not often that something unbelievably revolutionary happens in sports, but today it did!  I was watching Sports Center this evening and the soccer highlights came on.  I understand the premises of soccer, I watch it during the World Cup, and I even played a little back in the day but I do not try to understand how the European football leagues work.  Consequently, when soccer highlights come on I couldn’t quit frankly give a shit.  But today was different.

The highlights were of what I think was a semi-final game between Inter Milan and Barcelona.  Inter Milan won the first game in Milan by a two goals or something, so as long as they didn’t lose by more then one goal in Barcelona they would advance to the finals. (That concept makes no sense to me by the way but the INS and OUTS of European football is a blog for another day.)  The highlights were rather dry to say the least.  A dive here and a dive there.  A yellow card here and a red card there.  It was all rather uninteresting to me until the game ended with Barcelona winning 1-0, which meant Inter advanced to the finals.  This I guess was a pretty big upset and Inter celebrated like it (rightfully so).  What made these highlights so entertaining was that Barcelona being the classy team/fans/organization they are turned on the field’s sprinklers in order to put an end to Inters celebration.  As I watched these events unfold on T.V. I thought to myself, “that is so un-classy it is awesome!” Then I decided all sports should do something similar whenever they lose an important game or match.

Baseball for example could also turn on the sprinklers when a team loses at home.  For example, in 1992 the Blue Jays won the World Series in Atlanta and a pile up ensued in-between first base and the pitchers mound.  If Ted Turner had the mentality of the Barcelona football team, he would have said, “Piss of Joe Carter” and flicked on the sprinklers.

Sprinklers are a great spoiler for outdoor sports but indoor sports pose a much more difficult problem to this concept.  There are after all no sprinklers in hockey or basketball arenas.  My solution is a flamethrower.

Pittsburg won the Stanley Cup in Detroit last year.  If the Ilitch family were thinking, they would have strapped a flamethrower to the backs of all the little girls that come on the ice during T.V. time outs to scrape the snow off the ice around the benches and nets.  Before Crosby had a chance to hoist the Cup the little girls could have been on the ice blasting flamethrowers everywhere and melted the ice.  That would put a halt to a victory lap pretty damn quick I think.

Same solution applies to basketball.  There’s no ice to melt but there is a lot of wood to burn.  The Lakers win yet another championship while on the road.  It’s a simple solution, flamethrowers on the backs of the cheerleaders and they torch the floor.  “Oh, sorry Kobe you can’t celebrate this one because the building is on fire.  Please evacuate the building calmly via the nearest exit and wait for further instruction.”

This is the solution to creating more rivalries in sports.  No better way to let a team know you don’t like them then by burning your own arena down out of spite.

The ‘Buck’ Stops Here

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2010 by Jordan

I may be boring but I have sick flow!

I am presently taking in my first Blue Jays game of the year on Sportsnet. For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez has replaced Jamie Campbell as the game caller of Blue Jays baseball this year.  For those who do not watch baseball or have not watched a Blue Jays game on T.V. yet this year, Buck is really bad at his new gig!

For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez was a catcher for the Blue Jays back in the 80s, then he was the colour guy for the Blue Jays on TSN about 10 years ago, then he was the Blue Jays manager, then got fired, then got hired by some other team, then got fired again.   Now, as previously mentioned he calls the games for the Blue Jays on Sportsnet.

These are the reasons why Buck Martinez is bush at calling Blue Jays baseball.  First and foremost, he sounds like an idiot with a limited vocabulary constantly bumbling over his words like he just had a stroke.  Second, Buck is from North Carolina and you can clearly hear it in his voice!  Combined with Pat Tabler who is from Ohio but sounds like he is from Texas, it sounds like a couple of yokels broadcasting to their Canadian audience.  That said however, I’m sure most people from my home town can’t hear the accents and just assume that both of them are from Atwood!  Third, I find it amusing that Buck asks Pat to explain what certain terms mean, like sitting on a pitch.  Here I am thinking to myself, “Weren’t you a major league manager last year Buck?  Also, weren’t you a big league player for several seasons?  Shouldn’t you know what sitting on a pitch means?”  Then I think to myself, “Could this be why you are not a manager anymore, because you don’t know what sitting on a pitch means and therefore never told your players to do so?”  Figure it out Buck!  Lastly, Buck is not a broadcaster and does not have a broadcaster’s voice.  He has a colour guy’s voice and the mentality of a colour guy.  It is incredibly boring listening to Buck and Pat drone on about nothing.  If I wanted to listen to two colour guys call a sports game, I would clone John Madden and put both of them on the mic together.  Then we could listen to two funny guys bumble and drone on about nothing!

I need to point one last thing out because it just happened and it was hilarious in an analytical kind of way.  Pat is the colour guy and should therefore be the expert and provide analytical insight into the game.  I mentioned earlier, that Buck was asking Pat dumb question that he clearly knows the answers to.  However, in the sixth inning, Pat started asking Buck basic dumb question about what a player was thinking at the plate.  It’s like they were playing good cop bad cop and flip flopping roles throughout the process, except in this case it would be smart broadcaster dumb broadcaster.  Looks like it’s going to be a long year for Jay’s fans in more than one way!

P.S. Great crowd tonight!  Way to go Toronto!

The Return of Tiger

Posted in Sports on April 6, 2010 by Jordan

Roarin’ to Go? I Guess So!

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2010 by Jordan

Tiger Woods is a pimp... Get over it!

Unless you’ve lived in a cave for the past fourteen years you’d know about a pimp who happens to be unreal at golf named Tiger Woods.  He’s won 82 golf tournaments in his career including 14 majors.  He lives a double life, one where his is married to a really hot Swedish woman and another where he bangs a host of ‘rag-tag’ skanks.

Today was the day that Tiger finally presented himself to the media who proceeded to grill him for about 40 minutes on questions everyone already knew the answers to.  I would really like to know why not one person at that press conference didn’t grill Tiger about the bushness of the girls he’s been cheating on Ellin with.

If I were at that press conference I would have asked a question like this.  “Tiger, I along with every other person that envies your life style would like to know why you, a billionaire athlete goes to IHOP to pick up ugly women?”

I’m sure he would have said something like, “You know, I don’t really know why I did the things I did.  I hurt a lot of people and lied to a lot of people.  I got away from the core values my mom and dad taught me.  I can remember being at the mall with my dad when I was a kid and he would only let me look at girls that were an 8 out of 10 or better and he would take his belt off and hit me if I looked at anything below a 7.  He also told me that if I were to ever cheat on my wife that she should always be better looking than my wife.  Obviously I lost that core family value somewhere along the way.  Thanks to therapy, I’ll be sure to only cheat on my wife with women that are better looking than her… you know… because that’s what my dad would have wanted.”

Then people would write in the paper, “Wow, Tiger has really changed, he’s a totally different person.  I’m really excited for him to get back to winning golf tournaments!”

I can’t believe people keep buying this sex rehab bullshit!  Honestly, sex rehab is based around sticking a bunch of horny sex addicts in a room together and getting them to talk about the crazy sex lives?  Come on, that’s like a sex addicts paradise.

I really hope Tiger does well at the Masters this week.  If Tiger wins, I guarantee Tiger takes that Green Jacket to the nearest IHOP and wheels the ugliest girl working there.

Tiger will probably say something like, “Excuse me miss, um I don’t know if you know this but I’m a pimp that happens to be exceptionally good at golf.  I couldn’t help but notice that your looks are well below average but for some reason I just have an attraction to ugly women that work at restaurants that serve comfort food, so you’re going to come home with me?”

She would obviously say, “alright” and then Tiger and caddy Stevie would engage in an awkward high five like Tiger just sunk a hundred foot chip in the final round of the Masters.

Is Tiger a pimp?  Yes, but he’s a pimp that happens to be unreal at golf.  So why not let Tiger be Tiger.  Why should we care if Tiger is on the prowl while he is married?  Pierre Trudeau once said, “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.”  So why do the gossip magazines?

The Rise of a Nation

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2010 by Jordan

I am not a Leafs fan and therefore am not part of the ‘Leafs Nation’… thank god!  However, the nonsense that comes out of the mouths of Leaf fans is just so fascinating to me that I like to stay in the loop of hot topics in ‘Leafs Nation’.

The Leafs are obviously terrible this year and will likely finish second or third last in the league.  As a result, the draft lottery will likely give them a top three pick in the 2010 draft.  Leaf fans obviously know this and all I’ve heard from ‘Leafs Nation’ is something to the effect of, “the Leafs finally get a top five draft pick and Burke trades it away to the Bruins!”  I just want to point out that the Leafs got a top five pick in return in this “bonehead” trade by Burke.  His name is Phil Kessel and he’s not only the best player on the Leafs, he’s also the most dynamic forward the Leafs have had since Doug Gilmour.  When it comes down to it Burke decided that Phil Kessel would be a better player than Taylor Hall or Tyler Seguin.  Hall and Seguin have proven that they are great junior players but have not played a single pro game to prove that they are equally good at the NHL level.  Kessel has proven he’s a great NHLer and continues to prove his worth on the feeble Leafs.

So when the NHL season concludes in a week and the Leafs are sitting in second or third last in the league, don’t complain that the Leafs traded their top draft pick to the Bruins, be grateful that Phil Kessel is a Leaf.  If you want to bitch about a trade, consider Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft in 2006.  A trade that has obviously worked out real well for the Leafs!

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