Archive for the Technology Category

Life Alert for Life

Posted in Technology, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2011 by Jordan

This world is an unpredictable place and one can never be too safe and caution while living in it, that’s why I just made a call to Life Alert.  Life Alert’s cutting edge and state of the art commercials convinced me that trouble is always right around the corner and that I can never be too prepared for dangerous situations.  If I had a nickel for every time I slipped in the shower and was unable to get up I would have zero extra cents.   However, Life Alert works like insurance.  You may not need it now but when you do… it will be sweet.

 

Back in the day when I was a Sandwich Artist working at Subway we used Life Alert on a daily basis.  For example, a guy asked for extra cheese one day.  I informed him that it would be an extra 50 cents for extra cheese.  He made it very clear that he would be taking the extra cheese but would not be paying the extra 50 cents.  As a result, I was forced to dial into Life Alert.

 

The conversation went something like this:

 

“Sandwich Artist Jordan, this is Life Alert.  Are you OK?”

“Not really, I think this guy wants extra cheese for free!”

“Hold on let me check… THIS IS LIFE ALERT, EXTRA CHEESE COSTS 50 CENTS.  PAY THE EXTRA 50 CENTS OR LEAVE NOW!”

“But Tim Horton’s gives extra cheese for free.”

“I FIND THAT VERY HARD TO BELIEVE, THE PROFIT MARGINS OF PROVIDING EXTRA CHEESE FOR FREE WOULD REDUCE THE TOTAL REVENUE OF A COMPANY TO MERE PENNIES!”

“No no, Tim Horton’s makes all their revenue off of coffee sales.”

“REALLY?  WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE TIM HORTON’S HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT.”

“Yeah, they have a pretty good operation over there.”

“IT SOUNDS LIKE IT!… WELL… HAVE A GOOD DAY.”

 

So then I gave the guy extra cheese for free… All thanks to Life Alert!

 

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Fartsquare, Fartsquare, We All Scream for Fartsquare!

Posted in Technology with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2010 by Jordan

Social media and social networks consume our daily lives.  A prime example of this is that at this very moment you are reading this ridiculous blog that specializes in wiener and fart commentary.  There is virtually nothing you can’t learn about someone from social networks.  Everything from a person’s political views to their relationship status, their music preferences to what they did the night before are readily available on social network sites like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and Ping.  Despite the intricate personal details provided on these social networks, they all fail to provide an outlet for the most personal and common function of humans… Farting.  That is until now.

A new app is available for the iphone called fartsquare, which is a geolocating app that allows individuals to share not only the location of their farts but also the smell and quality of them.  I personally think Fartbook™ would have been a better name but I didn’t invent it so I guess I’ll save the name Fartbook™ for something else.

I’m sure there are people out there (less sophisticated people then readers of The Whole Ball of Wax) that think sharing when and where you fart is not only disgusting but also far too personal to share on a social network.  To these people I say, “Thank you for telling me when you work out, where you are drinking, when you are not feeling well, what the weather is like, what you did last weekend, that you are sitting at home, that you are available if anyone wants to call or text you, that you are mad at someone but don’t want to come out and say who it is exactly, what you just ate and if it was good or not, what you are watching on T.V. , etc. etc. If you think people are interested in this boring shit there is a good chance the when and where of a fart will also peak the interest of people. If nothing else it will give people a giggle when their phones notify them that Jordan just farted at the corner of Main and Wallace and it smelled like a shipping container used to smuggle immigrants from Bangladesh.”

There is nothing too personal or private in this world anymore so get use to it!  I would also like to point out that I farted about 8 times while writing this post, they all smelled like a mouse crawled up my butt and died and that they forced the LC to vacate the room.

Find me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and look for me soon on fartsquare… as soon as I figure out if it is actually real or not.

Segways That Kill

Posted in Education, Movies, Technology with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2010 by Jordan

Less than a year ago British businessman Jim Heselden purchased the Segway company from American inventor Dean Kamen.  In an unconventional and likely accidental marketing ploy, Heselden fell to his death yesterday after riding one of his Segway scooters off a cliff.

I feel as though all business owners should parish at the hands of their products.  The owner of General Motors should die in a car accident; the owner of Weed Eater should die in a freak weed eater accident, the owner of Nike should die of a heart attack while in the middle of a run and the owner of Trojan condoms should die mid-thrust after his penis falls off for some unfortunate reason.

Come to think of it, I think this is already taught as a Law of Business in the prestigious St. Mary’s University Commerce program… Yes it definitely is!  And I quote, “Business Law 12-A.  All business owners must be killed by the product they own… kind of like how Gozer made the Ghostbusters choose their own destructor at the end of the first Ghostbusters movie.”

Great movie!

Bowling – East Coast Style

Posted in Sports, Technology, Travel with tags , , on September 12, 2010 by Jordan

Due to popular demand here’s my second video blog.  The LC and I went on a double date to the local bowlarama and I had to record a video of just how ghetto the bowling situation is here on the East Coast.  People in the Maritimes are so in the dark about bowling technology they speak of automatic scoring like it is science fiction and refer to real 10-pin bowling as “Big Ball Bowling”.

Great fisherman on the East Coast though… so they have that going for them.

BBM for Life!

Posted in Technology with tags , , on August 31, 2010 by Jordan

I recently read that the iphone is on the verge of over taking BlackBerry as the most popular smart phone on the market.  I’m personally an iphone user but that’s just because I hip and trendy like that.  From what I can tell the most popular feature of the BlackBerry separating it from the iphone is BlackBerry Messenger.  Almost all BlackBerry users refuse to part with BlackBerry Messenger despite the fact that almost every phone plan comes with unlimited texting now. In my opinion, unlimited texting negates the need for BlackBerry Messenger but I’m sure most BlackBerry users would disagree with me.  Research in Motion isn’t dumb though and recently started a marketing campaign geared towards selling BlackBerry Messenger rather then selling the actual phone.

Here’s one such commercial.

The beauty about this commercial is that it’s really geared towards the vast majority of society.  Most people that I know personally do indeed spend the bulk of their time giving people bad haircuts and then bragging about how good of a job they did.  The real question that arises from this commercial is not whether I should switch to a BlackBerry or not but rather, if this haircut is worthy of bragging rights, what do the haircuts not worthy of bragging rights look like? The answer to this question is of course… not good.

Conclusion, buy a BlackBerry so you can give people bad haircuts and then brag about it on BlackBerry Messenger.

Egg on My Face

Posted in Technology with tags , , on July 27, 2010 by Jordan

I was in the middle of writing a post for my “blob” (that’s what my dad calls blogs) about how it is funny that there are updates for the flashlight app on the iphone.  For those that are unfamiliar with the app, it is an illuminated white screen that glows and can basically be used to find the change that falls out of your pocket during a movie.

I had written what I thought was a delightful little yarn about how ridiculous these updates were and the blob post took the form of that sweet Old Spice commercial with the guy walking on a log in a lake, then jumping off a waterfall, then riding a motorcycle in a hot tube… great commercial!  Anyway, I decided to look up the description of the flashlight app in the App Store to see what the description actually said.  To my amazement, I discovered that you have always been able to  customize your flashlight however you want.  Different colours, different shapes and patterns, you can make it strobe… the possibilities are endless!  Consequently, because the flashlight app has always been more then just a white screen my first blob creation turned out to be useless and a direct result of my own poor research.  Turns out I should have put in a little more time on Doogle… that’s what my dad calls Google.

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