Archive for the Television Category

The Talk Features Six Geese a Laying

Posted in Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2010 by Jordan

I was watching T.V. this afternoon and a show called The Talk came on.  At a glance The Talk appears to be exactly the same as The View but with lower profile hens as the show’s hosts.  The LC informed me that The Talk has claimed to be vastly different from The View.  I’ve been in a few chicken barns in my day so I feel qualified in deciphering the difference between hen parties.

The View features up to five hosts for any given show plus featured guests.  The five regular hosts are comprised of acclaimed news correspondent Barbra Walters, actress Whoopi Goldberg, comedian Joy Behar, actress Sherri Shepherd and some bitch named Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The Talk on the other hand features up to six regular hosts per show.  The Talk boasts the exceptional talents of Big Brother host Julie Chen, Darlene from Roseanne, Jack Osbourn’s mom, some black woman, Stacey Carosi from Saved by the Bell, and some other hack.

Aside from providing continuous examples of how to cluck over someone, both shows tackle riveting issues like how to roost, various egg fertilizing positions, how to lay both white and brown eggs, the difference in corn, wheat, and oat mash (food), how to keep your feathers permanently ruffled, and how to determine if your rooster is faithful or not.

I have looked at these two shows from all angles and the only thing I can find that separates The Talk from The View is that The Talk has a coffee table infront of their couch and The View does not.  Aside from this, these two shows are basically the exact same chicken coop with a different name on the door.

It’s honestly exhilarating stuff!

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Mad Men Drink at Work

Posted in History, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2010 by Jordan

The LC and I have recently taken a fancy to the AMC show Mad Men.  Set in the 1960s, Mad Men tells the story of an advertising agency and its employees on Madison Ave. in Manhattan.  Historical, political and social references put the overall plot into context but its characters and the development of those characters is what really drives Mad Men.

 

I posted an article called Excellent Adventures several months ago about how I thought it would be sweet to travel back in time to a significant historical period and influence that period with the knowledge and technology of the 21st century (No, I did not consider the butterfly effect when I wrote the original post).  After watching the first two seasons of Mad Men, it would please me greatly to throw on my veil of ignorance and just live the life of a businessman in the early 1960s.  The life of these “mad men” is incredible.  They show up to work in the morning hacking a dart hands free. They toss their coats at their secretaries without saying a word to them and walk into their offices where they immediately pour themselves a glass of whisky. They smoke some more before taking a few calls.  They continue to drink throughout the day and then take a nap on the couch in their offices. When they wake up, they light another dart and pour another drink.  They scribble some ideas down, pass the buck and call it a day.  They go to their mistresses’ house and make passionate early 1960s style love.  They go home to dinner waiting for them on the table and make the same passionate early 1960s style love to their hot wives.   They shut it down with a clear conscience and repeat the process the next day.

 

Aside from the womanizing and gender and racial segregation, the early 60s seem like the best time ever!  Too bad the hippies had to go and eff it all up!  All I want in life is a bottle of whisky beside my desk that I can help myself to whenever I am stressed, need to think, achieve success, feel like procrastinating or someone comes to talk to me.  Is this too much to ask for in this politically correct and hypersensitive world?

 

The Man, The Myth, The Gemini Award Winner

Posted in Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2010 by Jordan

It’s rare that you can drink alone and not feel like an alcoholic but as of right now I am experiencing one of those rare moments.  Less then an hour ago faithful Whole Ball of Wax reader and all round great guy Jared Keeso won the Gemini Award for his outstanding performance as Don Cherry in Keep Your Head Up Kids: The Don Cherry Story.  In addition, Benjamin Arthur (who is also an all round great guy) won the Gemini for his role in the T.V. show Less Than Kind.  Due to this great news, I am going to proceed to drink until I fall asleep on the couch and spill my beer on my crotch.

By no means do I have an acute knowledge of the Canadian film industry, but I have spent enough time with these two individuals to recognize and appreciate the amount of effort and commitment that goes into being an actor in Canada.  Not always the most glamorous of lifestyles, both Jared and Ben have made substantial sacrifices as they continuously strive to perfect their art.  The nature of the Canadian film industry probably means that the last minute notice for auditions won’t stop for either of these guys but tonight they can take solace in the fact that they are among the best at what they do in the entire country.  There are very few Canadians that can say they are the best in Canada at what they do and because of this rarity The Whole Ball of Wax wishes to congratulate both Jared and Ben for their truly outstanding accomplishments tonight.

How To Be Tight

Posted in Television with tags , , , , , , on October 31, 2010 by Jordan

The LC and I doubled down on the Halloween house parties last night, which were filled with a host of excellent costumes.  Three of my favorites included a girl dressed as a loofah, a guy dressed as Alan from The Hangover with a baby strapped to his chest and a guy dressed as a Tim Horton’s drive thru ordering box.  These three costumes were all well done and very recognizable; however, the worst thing about Halloween costumes is when your costume is unreal and no one knows who you are.  A guy at one of the parties we were at last night had one such costume.  He went as Chazz from episode 2 of the How To Be Tight videos.  I had never seen these videos until last night but this guy had Chazz down perfectly.

 

For those that aren’t familiar with these videos, How To Be Tight is a spoof of the absolute garbage that is televised on MTV on a constant basis.  As far as I know there are three videos so far but they are making more so keep your eyes open.

The Loser Fish in the Big Pond

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by Jordan

A couple of Saturday mornings ago I was watching Sports Center (as I do every morning) to catch the highlights from the night before.  For anyone who has watched T.V. on Saturday mornings you know that there are really only three different T.V. options on Saturday mornings:  Kids shows, infomercials and fishing.  On this particular Saturday I decided to stay tuned in to TSN following Sports Center to watch Canadian Sport Fishing hosted by Italo Labignan.  Some of you may know my oldest brother is obsessed with fishing so I am no stranger to watching fishing on Saturday mornings, Canadian Sport Fishing included.  As far as fishing shows go Italo does a pretty good job on Canadian Sport Fishing.  He often goes to remote places and catches some unique and huge fish.  This is far more interesting then that tub of guts Darryl Cronzy who catches nothing but walleye so he can get back to shore to have his shore lunch.  I don’t know what was up with Italo on this particular day but he missed the boat big time when he made his theme of the day catching pan fish.

For those that don’t have a fish obsessed brother like me, pan fish are little skinny and spiky bitch fish like; sunfish, perch and rock bass.  I’m not sure why but for some reason Italo thought it would be a good idea to make an entire show about catching fish people catch when they are trying to catch real fish.  The best part of this episode was how serious he was taking it.  First of all, he was in a boat.  Second, he was using a wide variety of jigs and crank baits and talking about how pan fish like the action of these baits.  Third, he was catching fish that were like four inches long and saying they were a good size. Last, he was using a net to bring the four-inch fish into the boat and bragging about his little net he got for catching pan fish.

IS THIS GUY DEREK FOREAL!?  There should not be a show on T.V. about catching fish that any moron can catch at will and there should definitely not be a show on T.V. that analyzes how to catch rock bass.

I will tell you how to catch rock bass right now.

Step 1 – Find any random bridge that crosses a river.

Step 2 – Put a worm on a hook.

Step 3 – Drop your line in the water.

Step 4 – Wait 10 seconds.

Step 5 – Reel the 10 once fish out of the water to the top of the bridge.

Step 6 – Throw the fish back in the water.

Step 7 – Repeat Process.

There you go.  Bring on the sponsorship Berkley Trilene.

Funhouse

Posted in Television with tags , , , on October 21, 2010 by Jordan

I was sitting around with my thoughts in outer space a couple of days ago and out of nowhere the late 80s kids game show Funhouse popped into my head.  My oldest brother was obsessed with this show and use to turn our actual house into a homemade “Funhouse” after every episode he watched.  My other brother and I were then subjected to play in this homemade “Funhouse” once it was completed.  It always seemed like a good idea but homemade “Funhouse” always ended with its temporary suspension and someone crying.  It’s important to mention that I was 4 or 5 competing against my brother who was 6 or 7 and most activities were performed blindfolded.

 

I digress.

 

I hadn’t thought of this show in years so I Googled it to see if I could learn some more about it.  I found out that there was a British version and an American version that aired from 1988-1991.  FOX picked up the show for the start of its third season and changed the name to FOX’s Funhouse.  In addition to this boring information I obtained, I also came across several episodes of the show on Youtube.  I’ve watched many of them and I must say, “It’s not that good.”  The fromage factor is through the roof and the funhouse itself doesn’t look nearly as fun or challenging as I recall.  Despite this, it is pretty sweet to see what the prizes were 20 years ago and to marvel at the hairstyles.  One things for sure, you know Brian Austin Green took a run at the twins as soon as the cameras turned off.

 

Rule No. 1 – Don’t Mess With “The Hof”

Posted in Movies, Television with tags , , , , , , , on September 16, 2010 by Jordan

Today I inquired with the LC as to when Dancing with the Stars fires up this year.  The most specific answer she could give was “pretty soon” which was good enough for me.  Show’s like Dancing with the Stars don’t typically tickle my fancy because the stars are usually “C” class hacks that don’t deserve to have their names and the word star in the same sentence.  This year’s show isn’t much different than years past with the likes of dopey eyes Audrina from The Hills and “The Situation” from Jersey Shore joining the cast.  However, these two fame whores are over shadowed by a real star… “The Hof”.  That’s right former Baywatch star and now walking sideshow David Hasselhoff is in this year’s Dancing with the Stars.  “The Hof” is definitely a star worth tuning in for.

Apparently “The Hof” has already begun choreographing his first routine.  It is reported that “The Hof” will run onto the stage in slow motion to his own song “Looking for Freedom” after crushing 30 plus beers.  He will then proceed to try and eat a hamburger while flopped down on the ground like a mermaid.  While doing so, he will take credit for the Berlin Wall coming down and mention that his burger is a mess after he fails numerous times to put it in his mouth.  All the while, his Dancing with the Stars partner will be recording the entire routine on her phone and comment that he promised not to drink that night. Just when you think the routine couldn’t get any better, “The Hof” will stumble to the judges station and “X” himself out of the competition.

It’s kind of a satirical dance but mostly it’s just “The Hof” being “The Hof”. A.K.A. awesome.

Prediction:  “The Hof” will not only win Dancing with the Stars, he will be the only star that survives his awesomeness.

Should be a good one!

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