Archive for Blue Jays

Putting the Ass in Class

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2010 by Jordan

It’s not often that something unbelievably revolutionary happens in sports, but today it did!  I was watching Sports Center this evening and the soccer highlights came on.  I understand the premises of soccer, I watch it during the World Cup, and I even played a little back in the day but I do not try to understand how the European football leagues work.  Consequently, when soccer highlights come on I couldn’t quit frankly give a shit.  But today was different.

The highlights were of what I think was a semi-final game between Inter Milan and Barcelona.  Inter Milan won the first game in Milan by a two goals or something, so as long as they didn’t lose by more then one goal in Barcelona they would advance to the finals. (That concept makes no sense to me by the way but the INS and OUTS of European football is a blog for another day.)  The highlights were rather dry to say the least.  A dive here and a dive there.  A yellow card here and a red card there.  It was all rather uninteresting to me until the game ended with Barcelona winning 1-0, which meant Inter advanced to the finals.  This I guess was a pretty big upset and Inter celebrated like it (rightfully so).  What made these highlights so entertaining was that Barcelona being the classy team/fans/organization they are turned on the field’s sprinklers in order to put an end to Inters celebration.  As I watched these events unfold on T.V. I thought to myself, “that is so un-classy it is awesome!” Then I decided all sports should do something similar whenever they lose an important game or match.

Baseball for example could also turn on the sprinklers when a team loses at home.  For example, in 1992 the Blue Jays won the World Series in Atlanta and a pile up ensued in-between first base and the pitchers mound.  If Ted Turner had the mentality of the Barcelona football team, he would have said, “Piss of Joe Carter” and flicked on the sprinklers.

Sprinklers are a great spoiler for outdoor sports but indoor sports pose a much more difficult problem to this concept.  There are after all no sprinklers in hockey or basketball arenas.  My solution is a flamethrower.

Pittsburg won the Stanley Cup in Detroit last year.  If the Ilitch family were thinking, they would have strapped a flamethrower to the backs of all the little girls that come on the ice during T.V. time outs to scrape the snow off the ice around the benches and nets.  Before Crosby had a chance to hoist the Cup the little girls could have been on the ice blasting flamethrowers everywhere and melted the ice.  That would put a halt to a victory lap pretty damn quick I think.

Same solution applies to basketball.  There’s no ice to melt but there is a lot of wood to burn.  The Lakers win yet another championship while on the road.  It’s a simple solution, flamethrowers on the backs of the cheerleaders and they torch the floor.  “Oh, sorry Kobe you can’t celebrate this one because the building is on fire.  Please evacuate the building calmly via the nearest exit and wait for further instruction.”

This is the solution to creating more rivalries in sports.  No better way to let a team know you don’t like them then by burning your own arena down out of spite.

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The ‘Buck’ Stops Here

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2010 by Jordan

I may be boring but I have sick flow!

I am presently taking in my first Blue Jays game of the year on Sportsnet. For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez has replaced Jamie Campbell as the game caller of Blue Jays baseball this year.  For those who do not watch baseball or have not watched a Blue Jays game on T.V. yet this year, Buck is really bad at his new gig!

For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez was a catcher for the Blue Jays back in the 80s, then he was the colour guy for the Blue Jays on TSN about 10 years ago, then he was the Blue Jays manager, then got fired, then got hired by some other team, then got fired again.   Now, as previously mentioned he calls the games for the Blue Jays on Sportsnet.

These are the reasons why Buck Martinez is bush at calling Blue Jays baseball.  First and foremost, he sounds like an idiot with a limited vocabulary constantly bumbling over his words like he just had a stroke.  Second, Buck is from North Carolina and you can clearly hear it in his voice!  Combined with Pat Tabler who is from Ohio but sounds like he is from Texas, it sounds like a couple of yokels broadcasting to their Canadian audience.  That said however, I’m sure most people from my home town can’t hear the accents and just assume that both of them are from Atwood!  Third, I find it amusing that Buck asks Pat to explain what certain terms mean, like sitting on a pitch.  Here I am thinking to myself, “Weren’t you a major league manager last year Buck?  Also, weren’t you a big league player for several seasons?  Shouldn’t you know what sitting on a pitch means?”  Then I think to myself, “Could this be why you are not a manager anymore, because you don’t know what sitting on a pitch means and therefore never told your players to do so?”  Figure it out Buck!  Lastly, Buck is not a broadcaster and does not have a broadcaster’s voice.  He has a colour guy’s voice and the mentality of a colour guy.  It is incredibly boring listening to Buck and Pat drone on about nothing.  If I wanted to listen to two colour guys call a sports game, I would clone John Madden and put both of them on the mic together.  Then we could listen to two funny guys bumble and drone on about nothing!

I need to point one last thing out because it just happened and it was hilarious in an analytical kind of way.  Pat is the colour guy and should therefore be the expert and provide analytical insight into the game.  I mentioned earlier, that Buck was asking Pat dumb question that he clearly knows the answers to.  However, in the sixth inning, Pat started asking Buck basic dumb question about what a player was thinking at the plate.  It’s like they were playing good cop bad cop and flip flopping roles throughout the process, except in this case it would be smart broadcaster dumb broadcaster.  Looks like it’s going to be a long year for Jay’s fans in more than one way!

P.S. Great crowd tonight!  Way to go Toronto!

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