Archive for Golf

Cheese Machine

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2011 by Jordan

Since last summer, my golf battery has been fully charged.  It’s not uncommon to find me chipping golf balls across my living room with the Golf Channel on in the background.  With a little more practice I’m fairly certain I’ll be able to flop a ball over the armchair with enough spin to stop it before it hits my guitar amp.  If my golf skills fail me, I’ll likely invest in one of the gadgets promoted on Golf Channel infomercials.  The V Harness should help coach my muscles into repeating the perfect golf swing while the Stack and Tilt video should help me keep my axis over the ball…whatever that means.  Should my frustration for golf overtake my passion for the game, I will likely sell my clubs and buy a Cheese Machine.  This should enable me to obtain my life long dream of producing copious amounts of cheese.  Soon the world will need cheese and I will be the one to provide it.

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I Will Wear… You… Out.

Posted in People, Sports with tags , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by Jordan

It’s recently come to surface that professional skank and former Tiger Woods mistress Joslyn James is taking orders for a sex tape of her and the big cat.  I believe the tape is to be releases in mid-November and will likely make that wretched parasite James a pretty penny.  This could actually be good for Tiger though.  If Paris Hilton can become richer and more famous after releasing multiple sex tapes surely Tiger can win a golf tournament and make watching golf enjoyable once again. 

Although the scrutinizing public has to wait until mid-November to view the graphic video, we at The Whole Ball of Wax called in a few favours from Joslyn James (none of which we are overly proud of) and obtained the video more then a full month before everyone else. 

Enjoy!

Roarin’ to Go? I Guess So!

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2010 by Jordan

Tiger Woods is a pimp... Get over it!

Unless you’ve lived in a cave for the past fourteen years you’d know about a pimp who happens to be unreal at golf named Tiger Woods.  He’s won 82 golf tournaments in his career including 14 majors.  He lives a double life, one where his is married to a really hot Swedish woman and another where he bangs a host of ‘rag-tag’ skanks.

Today was the day that Tiger finally presented himself to the media who proceeded to grill him for about 40 minutes on questions everyone already knew the answers to.  I would really like to know why not one person at that press conference didn’t grill Tiger about the bushness of the girls he’s been cheating on Ellin with.

If I were at that press conference I would have asked a question like this.  “Tiger, I along with every other person that envies your life style would like to know why you, a billionaire athlete goes to IHOP to pick up ugly women?”

I’m sure he would have said something like, “You know, I don’t really know why I did the things I did.  I hurt a lot of people and lied to a lot of people.  I got away from the core values my mom and dad taught me.  I can remember being at the mall with my dad when I was a kid and he would only let me look at girls that were an 8 out of 10 or better and he would take his belt off and hit me if I looked at anything below a 7.  He also told me that if I were to ever cheat on my wife that she should always be better looking than my wife.  Obviously I lost that core family value somewhere along the way.  Thanks to therapy, I’ll be sure to only cheat on my wife with women that are better looking than her… you know… because that’s what my dad would have wanted.”

Then people would write in the paper, “Wow, Tiger has really changed, he’s a totally different person.  I’m really excited for him to get back to winning golf tournaments!”

I can’t believe people keep buying this sex rehab bullshit!  Honestly, sex rehab is based around sticking a bunch of horny sex addicts in a room together and getting them to talk about the crazy sex lives?  Come on, that’s like a sex addicts paradise.

I really hope Tiger does well at the Masters this week.  If Tiger wins, I guarantee Tiger takes that Green Jacket to the nearest IHOP and wheels the ugliest girl working there.

Tiger will probably say something like, “Excuse me miss, um I don’t know if you know this but I’m a pimp that happens to be exceptionally good at golf.  I couldn’t help but notice that your looks are well below average but for some reason I just have an attraction to ugly women that work at restaurants that serve comfort food, so you’re going to come home with me?”

She would obviously say, “alright” and then Tiger and caddy Stevie would engage in an awkward high five like Tiger just sunk a hundred foot chip in the final round of the Masters.

Is Tiger a pimp?  Yes, but he’s a pimp that happens to be unreal at golf.  So why not let Tiger be Tiger.  Why should we care if Tiger is on the prowl while he is married?  Pierre Trudeau once said, “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.”  So why do the gossip magazines?

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