Archive for Lindsay Lohan

Mud Flaps

Posted in Music, People with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2011 by Jordan

While I was at the gym today a song on the radio caught my attention.  I was drawn in by the baritone voice of the singer and wondered who owned the soothing voice.  It took about five seconds of wracking my brain to identify the voice as that of pop diva Cher.  As I listened to Cher make my voice sound high I thought to myself, “where does Cher get off?”

As soon as Sonny and Cher ceased to exist, Cher started parading around in fishnet stockings and a little flap of cloth that barely covered her crotch.  I’m sure there is the odd grease ball out there that actually finds Cher attractive and loves the suggestive nature of her flap; however, if Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Miley Cyrus danced around on stage wearing fishnets and a crotch flap they would be nailed to a cross and probably forced to enter some sort of rehab.

The media holds a ridiculous double standard when it comes to female pop singers.  Old disgusting women like Cher and Madonna have a free pass to dress like ‘pros’; while, young attractive trendsetters are under constant media scrutiny and ridicule.  In order to maintain consistency, there needs to be a mandatory flap rule implemented for all female pop singers.  This way there will be no talk of who is pushing the envelope… there will only be a question of who wears the flap best.

Forest Fire Warning: EXTREME!

Posted in People with tags , , , on July 26, 2010 by Jordan

My gossip insider tells me that Lindsay Lohan’s first week in prison wasn’t the best.  I can’t really imagine prison being anything but sweet but apparently the criminals at Lynnwood Correctional Facility welcomed the 24-year-old gearbox by simultaneously chanting “Fire Crotch” from their respective cells.  Lohan was apparently so rattled by the situation she begged the prison guards for a new Venus Goddess razor so she could neutralize the situation.  The guards, rightfully skeptical of Lohan’s intentions, inquired if she planned to hurt herself with the razor.  Lohan assured them that her intentions were genuine. The guards then responded, “Liar, Liar, Crotch on Fire!” and promptly threw her in solitary confinement indefinitely… bush and all.

Man, prison sounds tough!

“I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages—a chain of them.”

Posted in People with tags , , on July 18, 2010 by Jordan

I was recently asked to write an article about Lindsay Lohan by one of my 7 fans.  Naturally, what my fans want my fans get.  This task turned out to be a little more difficult than first expected because as it turns out I know nothing about Lindsay Lohan other then she use to be covered in freckles but no longer is.  Consequently, I had to do some research and there is no better place to do research about Lindsay Lohan than on websites like TMZ, Perez Hilton and Oh No They Didn’t.  As it turns out, Lindsay Lohan basically went for a shit in 2007 and was never able to stop wiping.

It’s been more then three years since she dropped her pants and it looks like her dump will continue as she begins her 90 day jail sentence on Tuesday for being a gear box.  I’m not 100% sure why she has to go to jail but I think it has something to do with being a talentless actress and unsuccessful singer and thinking that gave her the right to get shit faced and drive as she pleased, abuse prescription medication, violate the terms of her probation as if the terms did not exist and pretend she was a lesbian.  Lindsay Lohan is an absolute stain on society that will likely learn little if anything from her time in prison.   All the SCRAM bracelets in the world will not alter this girl’s life style.  I propose a cinder block around the ankle and a swim in the Pacific.  If she makes it to shore, she might have a chance.

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