Archive for Queen Elizabeth

The Royal Buck and Doe

Posted in People with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2011 by Jordan

With warmer temperatures in the air, buds on the trees and snow all but gone from the forecast; all signs are indicating that the start of Buck and Doe season is upon us.  After several disappointing campaigns, this season is poised to be one of the most promising seasons in more than half a century. Buck and Doe coordinators have exhausted all marketing strategies and have learned from NASCAR schedulers who place their biggest race of the year at the start of every season.  Consequently, this year’s Buck and Doe season will kick the year off right with The Royal Buck and Doe on April 2, 2011.

Set to wed at the end of April, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s will hold their Buck and Doe this weekend at the Royal Ag Hall. The Royal Jester Wicky will be in attendance and spinning tracks for the Royal Affair while demanding that, “Every guy grab a girl and get out on the dance floor huah huah huah!”  It is also expected that Wicky will increase the Royal Volume to 11 as the night progresses causing the Royal Conversations to adjust to a Royal Yell.

Rumor has it, the Royal Party Shop has already processed an order for two Royal Helium Balloons that will be placed on the Royal Belt Loops of the Royal Couple.  This will allow all in attendance to clearly identify the Royal Couple from across the Royal Room should they care to seek them out for a Royal Handshake or Royal Hug.  Sources also indicate that a Royal Shopper was spotted buying several loaves of Royal Wonder Bread, several dozen Royal Eggs, and 5 jars of Royal Miracle Whip.  With this type of purchase, one can only anticipate that the Royal Wedding Party has settled on Royal Egg Salad Sandwiches as the Royal Midnight Snack.

It is expected that there will be a Royal Tuppence Toss for a Royal Box of Royal Melba Toast and a silent Royal Auction with Royal Prizes that include an empty Royal Cooler and homemade Royal Garden Art.

The Royal Bar will be fully stocked with four types of Royal Beer including; Royal Bud Light, Royal Coors Light, Royal Blue Light and Royal Crystal. For the harder Royal, there will be a Royal Hard Bar complete with Royal Potters Vodka, Royal Black Velvet Whisky, and Royal Bacardi White Rum.

Royal Festivities will conclude around 1:00 AM with the majority of the Royal Crowd expected to take the party to the Royal Anchor while the Royal Couple sticks around to help stack the Royal Chairs and dry mop the Royal Floors.

All in all, it should be a Royal Good Time!

God Save the Queen

Posted in History, Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2010 by Jordan

With the Queen in the middle of her 22nd official visit to Canada I have found myself caught up in the Royal hoopla.  She made her first visit to Nova Scotia in 16 years and I even caught a glimpse of her majesty through binoculars as she sailed pasted my office building amidst the international fleet review. I could tell it was her because she was the only person on the ship wearing white and her hat had a big white flower on it.  Also, I could easily tell which person was Stephen Harper because his onion loaf coif danced rather majestically as it was tossed about by the sea breeze.

I’m not sure why but I have always been an advocate for the royals and for the Queen’s role as the Head of State for Canada.  I look at the Queen and I see the epitome of elegance and grace.  She’s a complete geezer yet she sucked it up when the rain came in sideways upon her arrival to Halifax, she didn’t hesitate to walk through a soggy field to look at teepees, nor did she waver when taught how to play a native game that looked ridiculous.  She rarely smiles but always says the right things that make Canadians feel good about themselves and to top it all off she looked radiant in her red dress and white hat on Canada Day.

Despite all this there is a less flattering side to the Queen the goes unnoticed.  There is no way the Queen has lived her 84 years without having explosive diarrhea and had an occasion where she barely made it to the “crappie” without pooping herself.  I’m sure she’s even had the odd poop that has left her out of breath and whipping beads of sweat off her forehead, opening windows and spraying Glade Summer Breeze in the air.  There is also no way she hasn’t had a fart that goes drastically up in pitch as it concludes.  She’s probably been so sick she puked her guts out and popped blood vessels in her face. She has probably flossed her teeth and been in need of a blood transfusion afterwards because her gums bled so badly.  She probably shaves her armpits and has had her upper lip waxed (maybe not the upper lip… she’s not French after all).  She’s probably had B.O. at least once.  I guarantee she’s had food stuck in her teeth and no one told her.  She has pretty fancy clothes but I’ll bet she has picked lint out of her belly button and sweaty fuzz from between her toes.  Maybe the Queen has an outty and doesn’t get belly button lint… I don’t know I’m not a doctor.

The list of unflattering things the Queen has done in her life is probably as big as her annual spending habits.  The point is, no matter how elegant and graceful a person is and no matter how high that person is placed on a pedestal by society, everyone has to take a shit at some point in their life and it probably doesn’t smell like freshly baked cinnamon buns.

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