Archive for T.V.

Is Victoria Beckham Derek Foreal?

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2010 by Jordan

Every time I see Victoria Beckham (pictured taking a nap on a work bench) on T.V., I do three things: cringe, laugh and turn the channel.  Is she serious?  My god, how do people even give her the time of day anymore?  The Spice Girls and David Beckham reached their peak in 1998!  So I have to ask, why do I keep seeing this skeleton with eyes like a deer on T.V.?

Some would say, “Well, she was in the Spice Girls.”  And I would say, “Yeah, but she was the worst one.”  Others might say, “Well, she’s married to David Beckham.”  And I would say, “Yeah, but he’s washed up.”  Some would even say, “She’s super hot!”  And I would say, “Yeah you’re right she is super hot…if being hot means looking like a freshly planted sapling.”

One of my guilty pleasures in life is watching the audition episodes of American Idol because Simon is such an ass to people that waste his time it honestly makes my day.  For those who don’t watch the nonsense that is American Idol, they often have a guest judge to assist with the main judges in the audition episodes.  There were some respectable music people involved, Shania Twain, Mary J. Blige, Avril Lavigne, and Katy Perry to name a few.  Then one episode Victoria Beckham was the guest judge.  Victoria Beckham selecting talented singers makes about as much sense as taking marital advice from Tiger Woods.  Sure, she was a Spice Girl and Tiger Woods was married but they sucked at it!  However, I have to give Victoria Beckham credit, she stuck to her guns.  Well-dressed people would stand in front of the judges and basically shit on the stage and Victoria would say things in her stupid accent like, “Oh my god, I just love yaw shoes and yaw hai!  It’s a yes faw me faw shaw.” Simon would then look at her like she’s retarded… because she is and say something like, “What does her appearance have to do with it?” And Victoria would say, “It’s pawt of the total package.”

It was at this point that I realized that Victoria Beckham was not in search of the next American Idol but in search of the next Posh Spice. The show would be called America’s Next Top Imported Bag of Bones and it would be the search for the woman out there who lacks musical talent, dresses well and is willing to have as many surgeries as it takes to have eyes that look like a deer’s blinded by head lights and clavicles that are so pointy that they must be checked prior to entering airport security.

“Get out of my face Victoria Beckham and get off my T.V.!”

P.S. your husband sounds like a frail old woman when he talks.

Oh My Land

Posted in Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , on April 18, 2010 by Jordan

Who decided swear words were bad?

Growing up I wouldn’t dare swear around my parents nor did I ever really hear swearing on T. V. or in any other aspect of my life.  However, as I get a little older and dictate my own rules I swear quite a bit and incorporate swearing in my daily conversations.  What I don’t get is why swearing offends anyone at all.

When you were a kid and someone called you a “doo doo head” or something stupid like that at school, a teacher would say, “sticks and stones cam break your bones but names will never hurt you.”  So if this is the case, why does a simple four-letter word get some people’s delicates in such a bunch?

I work with a church going women who wouldn’t say shit if her mouth was full of it.  She also wouldn’t swear if her life depended on it.  Me being the courteous young man I am, I watch my tongue as a means of not offending her.  However, this woman may not swear in the traditional sense but she has alternative words that she uses to swear on a daily basis.  For example, shit is replaced by stink, fuck is replaced by frick and oh my god is replaced by oh my land.

Why are these synonyms acceptable but the versions I want to use are not?  This woman’s alternatives annoy me because I know what she means and I am bothered that she just doesn’t say “SHIT” when she accidently deletes a file instead of “STINK”.  “STINK,” sounds stupid, it’s irritating and it bugs me.

The power and meaning of words in such trivial circumstances are way to overrated.  Four-letter words carry no hate towards distinct groups and are little more than words society has historically deemed as inappropriate.  The meaning of words has evolved since language was created ions ago.  I think it’s time society relaxes its stance on “four-letter” words and concerns itself with words that actually carry harmful and hurtful meaning.

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