Archive for Tiger Woods

Leave it to Bieber

Posted in Education with tags , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2010 by Jordan

There was an interesting article in the Globe and Mail today called ‘Failing Boys: The Endangered Male Teacher’.  The gist of the article basically links the failures of male students to the fact that male teachers in an elementary school are about as common as Kate Moss at a Chinese buffet.   In addition, the article touches on the social stigma that school and learning has become a “girl thing” due to the lack of male role models in the school.  With one in two marriages ending in divorce and girls getting knocked up at a young age it’s not uncommon for young boys to grow up having no contact with adult males (I’m not talking about the Catholic church kind adult contact either) in their pre-adolescent and adolescent lives.

To be perfectly honest I think this theory is completely overrated.  Kids don’t need direct contact with male role models in their life anymore because there are more then enough in the media.  Think about it.  You have Tiger Woods banging average looking Perkins waitresses in Florida, Brett Favre texting pictures of his wiener to a chick that is way out of his league and Justin Bieber bitch slapping a 12-year-old infant because he beat him at Laser Tag.

From these three public role models a young male can learn at lest three important life lessons.  First, looks aren’t everything – a woman’s true beauty is within.  Second, shoot for the stars – don’t place limits on yourself.  Last, stand up for yourself – don’t take shit from your peers/children.

There you go.  What can a male teacher possible provide a young male student that TMZ can’t?

The answer is nothing.

So if you are a single mother or a lesbian mother wanting to provide your little boy with a male influence just sit him down in front of the computer and type in www.tmz.com and I guarantee your child will get all the male influence they need.

I Will Wear… You… Out.

Posted in People, Sports with tags , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by Jordan

It’s recently come to surface that professional skank and former Tiger Woods mistress Joslyn James is taking orders for a sex tape of her and the big cat.  I believe the tape is to be releases in mid-November and will likely make that wretched parasite James a pretty penny.  This could actually be good for Tiger though.  If Paris Hilton can become richer and more famous after releasing multiple sex tapes surely Tiger can win a golf tournament and make watching golf enjoyable once again. 

Although the scrutinizing public has to wait until mid-November to view the graphic video, we at The Whole Ball of Wax called in a few favours from Joslyn James (none of which we are overly proud of) and obtained the video more then a full month before everyone else. 

Enjoy!

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Athletes

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , on May 9, 2010 by Jordan

This post is inspired by Saturday Night Lives sketch called “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals”, I call this one “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Athletes”

“Hey, I’m Mark Wahlberg… you guys know me.  I use to be called Marky Mark.  That’s right, Marky Mark. Let’s go talk to some athletes”

“Hey Tiger Woods.  You’re not a real Tiger are you?  You don’t look like one?  What’s that all about?  I heard you pulled out of the Playa’s Championship.  Was that because you were confused by the name of the tournament and were disappointed that there weren’t any girls there?  I played golf in an episode of Entourage once.  I produce Entourage.  That’s pretty cool.  Alright, say hi to your motha for me.”

“Ok, now I’m gonna talk to a hockey playa.”

“Hey Johan, I’m Mark Wahlberg.  Johan’s a pretty gay name what’s up with that?  Is it French or something?  I heard they call you the mule.  I talked to a donkey once.  That was pretty awesome.  I like donkeys and now I like mules.  Hey, did you ever see The Departed?  I was in that.  Well… say hi to your motha.”

“Now I’m gonna talk to Shaq.”

“Hey Shaq, you know me I was in We Own the Night, that was a good movie.  I like your head, it’s totally bald and smooth.  Did you see how much hair I had in Rock Star? That was an awesome movie.  You know how they call you The Diesel?  Do you drive a diesel car?  I don’t.   Your feet are huge… what’s that all about?  Alright, well…. say hi to your motha for me.”

“Ok now I’m going to talk to Michael Phelps.”

“Hi Michael Phelps you’re a swimmer right?  That’s cool.  Did you see me swim in the ice cold water in the Italian Job?  That water wasn’t actually that cold… the ice was Styrofoam.  Hey, you smoked pot one time.  Do you still?  Cause I do.  What’s up with the intense face?  I’m pretty intense.  You want to see me do push ups?  Hey, you eat a lot right?  What’s up with that?  I don’t.  Alright, cool… say hi to your motha for me.”

Is Victoria Beckham Derek Foreal?

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2010 by Jordan

Every time I see Victoria Beckham (pictured taking a nap on a work bench) on T.V., I do three things: cringe, laugh and turn the channel.  Is she serious?  My god, how do people even give her the time of day anymore?  The Spice Girls and David Beckham reached their peak in 1998!  So I have to ask, why do I keep seeing this skeleton with eyes like a deer on T.V.?

Some would say, “Well, she was in the Spice Girls.”  And I would say, “Yeah, but she was the worst one.”  Others might say, “Well, she’s married to David Beckham.”  And I would say, “Yeah, but he’s washed up.”  Some would even say, “She’s super hot!”  And I would say, “Yeah you’re right she is super hot…if being hot means looking like a freshly planted sapling.”

One of my guilty pleasures in life is watching the audition episodes of American Idol because Simon is such an ass to people that waste his time it honestly makes my day.  For those who don’t watch the nonsense that is American Idol, they often have a guest judge to assist with the main judges in the audition episodes.  There were some respectable music people involved, Shania Twain, Mary J. Blige, Avril Lavigne, and Katy Perry to name a few.  Then one episode Victoria Beckham was the guest judge.  Victoria Beckham selecting talented singers makes about as much sense as taking marital advice from Tiger Woods.  Sure, she was a Spice Girl and Tiger Woods was married but they sucked at it!  However, I have to give Victoria Beckham credit, she stuck to her guns.  Well-dressed people would stand in front of the judges and basically shit on the stage and Victoria would say things in her stupid accent like, “Oh my god, I just love yaw shoes and yaw hai!  It’s a yes faw me faw shaw.” Simon would then look at her like she’s retarded… because she is and say something like, “What does her appearance have to do with it?” And Victoria would say, “It’s pawt of the total package.”

It was at this point that I realized that Victoria Beckham was not in search of the next American Idol but in search of the next Posh Spice. The show would be called America’s Next Top Imported Bag of Bones and it would be the search for the woman out there who lacks musical talent, dresses well and is willing to have as many surgeries as it takes to have eyes that look like a deer’s blinded by head lights and clavicles that are so pointy that they must be checked prior to entering airport security.

“Get out of my face Victoria Beckham and get off my T.V.!”

P.S. your husband sounds like a frail old woman when he talks.

Roarin’ to Go? I Guess So!

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2010 by Jordan

Tiger Woods is a pimp... Get over it!

Unless you’ve lived in a cave for the past fourteen years you’d know about a pimp who happens to be unreal at golf named Tiger Woods.  He’s won 82 golf tournaments in his career including 14 majors.  He lives a double life, one where his is married to a really hot Swedish woman and another where he bangs a host of ‘rag-tag’ skanks.

Today was the day that Tiger finally presented himself to the media who proceeded to grill him for about 40 minutes on questions everyone already knew the answers to.  I would really like to know why not one person at that press conference didn’t grill Tiger about the bushness of the girls he’s been cheating on Ellin with.

If I were at that press conference I would have asked a question like this.  “Tiger, I along with every other person that envies your life style would like to know why you, a billionaire athlete goes to IHOP to pick up ugly women?”

I’m sure he would have said something like, “You know, I don’t really know why I did the things I did.  I hurt a lot of people and lied to a lot of people.  I got away from the core values my mom and dad taught me.  I can remember being at the mall with my dad when I was a kid and he would only let me look at girls that were an 8 out of 10 or better and he would take his belt off and hit me if I looked at anything below a 7.  He also told me that if I were to ever cheat on my wife that she should always be better looking than my wife.  Obviously I lost that core family value somewhere along the way.  Thanks to therapy, I’ll be sure to only cheat on my wife with women that are better looking than her… you know… because that’s what my dad would have wanted.”

Then people would write in the paper, “Wow, Tiger has really changed, he’s a totally different person.  I’m really excited for him to get back to winning golf tournaments!”

I can’t believe people keep buying this sex rehab bullshit!  Honestly, sex rehab is based around sticking a bunch of horny sex addicts in a room together and getting them to talk about the crazy sex lives?  Come on, that’s like a sex addicts paradise.

I really hope Tiger does well at the Masters this week.  If Tiger wins, I guarantee Tiger takes that Green Jacket to the nearest IHOP and wheels the ugliest girl working there.

Tiger will probably say something like, “Excuse me miss, um I don’t know if you know this but I’m a pimp that happens to be exceptionally good at golf.  I couldn’t help but notice that your looks are well below average but for some reason I just have an attraction to ugly women that work at restaurants that serve comfort food, so you’re going to come home with me?”

She would obviously say, “alright” and then Tiger and caddy Stevie would engage in an awkward high five like Tiger just sunk a hundred foot chip in the final round of the Masters.

Is Tiger a pimp?  Yes, but he’s a pimp that happens to be unreal at golf.  So why not let Tiger be Tiger.  Why should we care if Tiger is on the prowl while he is married?  Pierre Trudeau once said, “The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.”  So why do the gossip magazines?

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