Archive for Toronto

This Tarp is Just Right

Posted in Politics with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2010 by Jordan

The election of Rob Ford as Toronto’s new mayor is old news.  Similarly, the nonsensical speech by Don Cherry at Ford’s inauguration is also old news.  What’s not old news is where Rob Ford buys his suits.

 

I have it on good authority that Ford’s suit purchasing strategy is a two prong attack.  First, he travels to Toronto’s Fashion District and enters the Mountain Equipment Co-op.  Upon entering the store he heads straight to the tent section and seeks out the tarps used as ground sheets and the like.  He selects the colour of his choice (usually something dark for a slimming effect) and pays about $13 for it.

 

The second prong in Ford’s strategy involves the employment of a tailor that specializes in maternity fittings.  When Ford meets with his special tailor, a forklift raises him about a foot and a half off the ground.  Once in position, the special tailor goes to work.  The tarp is draped over Ford’s back and shoulders and is fastened in place with a novelty safety pin.  When it is clear that the tarp will not fall off of Ford’s frame, the tarp is reinforced with chain mail.  After the tarp obtains the strength of chain mail, old hubcaps are sown down the breast of the tarp as a means of closing the front of the tarp/suit.  Once all three-hubcaps are in place the novelty safety pin is removed.  At this point, Ford jumps into a pair of darkly dyed clown pants and climbs aboard the Gravy Train enroute to making promises he can’t keep.

 

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Sigh No More Mumford & Sons are Here

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010 by Jordan

If you are one of the few that haven’t heard of a band out of England called Mumford & Sons it’s time to crawl out of your cave and get in the now.  Mumford & Sons is in the process of wrapping up a sold out tour of Eastern North America.  Obviously they didn’t stop in Halifax because Halifax focuses it’s concert efforts on attracting the likes of Colin James and Burton Cummings cover bands.  However, Mumford & Sons did make a stop in Toronto on the weekend and all the reviews I’ve read suggest the show at Sound Academy was nothing short of unreal.  In classic Canadian inferiority complex style one review suggested that Mumford & Sons was the English equivalent of Great Big Sea.  This statement would hold true if Mumford & Sons sounded like a gay Christian band with newfie accents that sucked, but they don’t so the comparison is bunk.  Mumford & Sons stopped by the 102.1 Edge studio while in Toronto to play a couple tunes which apparently created a greater buzz then when U2 stopped by a couple of years ago.

If you haven’t had a chance to listen to any of Mumford & Sons tracks go download the album for like 9 bucks.  It’s called Sigh No More and will explore all your emotions except the desire to be a juice monkey or douche bag.  Here’s a sample from their session at the Edge studio.

The ‘Buck’ Stops Here

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2010 by Jordan

I may be boring but I have sick flow!

I am presently taking in my first Blue Jays game of the year on Sportsnet. For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez has replaced Jamie Campbell as the game caller of Blue Jays baseball this year.  For those who do not watch baseball or have not watched a Blue Jays game on T.V. yet this year, Buck is really bad at his new gig!

For those who don’t know, Buck Martinez was a catcher for the Blue Jays back in the 80s, then he was the colour guy for the Blue Jays on TSN about 10 years ago, then he was the Blue Jays manager, then got fired, then got hired by some other team, then got fired again.   Now, as previously mentioned he calls the games for the Blue Jays on Sportsnet.

These are the reasons why Buck Martinez is bush at calling Blue Jays baseball.  First and foremost, he sounds like an idiot with a limited vocabulary constantly bumbling over his words like he just had a stroke.  Second, Buck is from North Carolina and you can clearly hear it in his voice!  Combined with Pat Tabler who is from Ohio but sounds like he is from Texas, it sounds like a couple of yokels broadcasting to their Canadian audience.  That said however, I’m sure most people from my home town can’t hear the accents and just assume that both of them are from Atwood!  Third, I find it amusing that Buck asks Pat to explain what certain terms mean, like sitting on a pitch.  Here I am thinking to myself, “Weren’t you a major league manager last year Buck?  Also, weren’t you a big league player for several seasons?  Shouldn’t you know what sitting on a pitch means?”  Then I think to myself, “Could this be why you are not a manager anymore, because you don’t know what sitting on a pitch means and therefore never told your players to do so?”  Figure it out Buck!  Lastly, Buck is not a broadcaster and does not have a broadcaster’s voice.  He has a colour guy’s voice and the mentality of a colour guy.  It is incredibly boring listening to Buck and Pat drone on about nothing.  If I wanted to listen to two colour guys call a sports game, I would clone John Madden and put both of them on the mic together.  Then we could listen to two funny guys bumble and drone on about nothing!

I need to point one last thing out because it just happened and it was hilarious in an analytical kind of way.  Pat is the colour guy and should therefore be the expert and provide analytical insight into the game.  I mentioned earlier, that Buck was asking Pat dumb question that he clearly knows the answers to.  However, in the sixth inning, Pat started asking Buck basic dumb question about what a player was thinking at the plate.  It’s like they were playing good cop bad cop and flip flopping roles throughout the process, except in this case it would be smart broadcaster dumb broadcaster.  Looks like it’s going to be a long year for Jay’s fans in more than one way!

P.S. Great crowd tonight!  Way to go Toronto!

The Rise of a Nation

Posted in Sports with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2010 by Jordan

I am not a Leafs fan and therefore am not part of the ‘Leafs Nation’… thank god!  However, the nonsense that comes out of the mouths of Leaf fans is just so fascinating to me that I like to stay in the loop of hot topics in ‘Leafs Nation’.

The Leafs are obviously terrible this year and will likely finish second or third last in the league.  As a result, the draft lottery will likely give them a top three pick in the 2010 draft.  Leaf fans obviously know this and all I’ve heard from ‘Leafs Nation’ is something to the effect of, “the Leafs finally get a top five draft pick and Burke trades it away to the Bruins!”  I just want to point out that the Leafs got a top five pick in return in this “bonehead” trade by Burke.  His name is Phil Kessel and he’s not only the best player on the Leafs, he’s also the most dynamic forward the Leafs have had since Doug Gilmour.  When it comes down to it Burke decided that Phil Kessel would be a better player than Taylor Hall or Tyler Seguin.  Hall and Seguin have proven that they are great junior players but have not played a single pro game to prove that they are equally good at the NHL level.  Kessel has proven he’s a great NHLer and continues to prove his worth on the feeble Leafs.

So when the NHL season concludes in a week and the Leafs are sitting in second or third last in the league, don’t complain that the Leafs traded their top draft pick to the Bruins, be grateful that Phil Kessel is a Leaf.  If you want to bitch about a trade, consider Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft in 2006.  A trade that has obviously worked out real well for the Leafs!

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