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Local Saviour

Posted in Travel with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2010 by Jordan

Some readers of The Whole Ball of Wax are already fully aware of Listowel, Ontario’s two-week St. Patrick’s Day festival called Paddy Fest put on by the local Kinsmen and Kinettes.  I’ve never actually attended Paddy Fest but I think I get the gist of how it works.  It’s basically a combination of drinking, beauty pageants and concerts geared toward those who like country music.  One of those most entertaining and crowd-pleasing elements of Paddy Fest has always been the arm wrestling tournament.  Again, I’ve never seen it but I know my cousin Joint Boy has won it many times and looks possessed while he decimates his opponents.

 

The popularity of Paddy Fest has raised tones of money for the Kinsmen and Kinettes who in turn put the money back into the local community.  However, rumor has it that Paddy Fest is no longer turning a profit and a big reason for this is that the arm wrestling tournament has gone stale on the locals.  Despite the fact that I have not lived in Listowel for quite some time I have been itching for an opportunity to give back to the town that gave me the opportunity to give you The Whole Ball of Wax.  Consequently, I am single handedly going to save Paddy Fest this March.

 

Three words….

 

EXTREME – ARM – WRESTLING

 

Picture yourself in Listowel Memorial Arena and envision Joint Boy tapped to his opponent and strapped to an arm wrestling table.  Now envision Joint Boy’s eyes turning to dollar signs as he fights like a whore and beats the crap out of his opponent.  That’s what the Kinsmen and Kinettes will be doing after they read this post and watch this video..

 

 

P. S. – I totally made up the part about Paddy Fest not turning a profit.  I honestly have no idea about the finances of Paddy Fest… I’m sure they’re doing fine though.

 

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Gary Bettman VS. Pee Wee Herman in an ALL OUT DEATH MATCH!

Posted in Sports, Television with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2010 by Jordan

Without question the fight of the century is taking place tomorrow night at UFC 115 in Vancouver, BC.  The highly anticipated match will see the Commissioner of the NHL, Gary Bettman take on the star of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Pee Wee Herman in an all out death match.  The unadvertised and highly controversial match will commence at 8 pm (PT) in the concourse of GM Place and is expected to draw fans from all over the world.

The match is expected to be highly contested with an end result easily going either way.  Both combatants have exactly the same specs, fighting style and haircut.  The only factors that could reduce the overall quality of this fight are Bettman’s strong desire to move the fight to Glendale, Arizona and the fact that Gary Bettman and Pee Wee Herman are the EXACT SAME PERSON!  Consequently, spectators will have a real life Fight Club on their hands.

Pee Wee Herman will take the match of the century compliments of a challenge to Bettman to not shake his head while he speaks.  Bettman will become so frustrated by his inability to perform such a simple task that he will kill himself by overdosing on overpriced cotton candy and bottled water.

A death match for the ages!

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