It’s Called a Christmas Sweater

I’m not going to sit here and act like I invented Christmas parties, because I didn’t. However, I am going to sit here and act like I invented Christmas sweater themed parties, because I did.  It doesn’t grind my gears that millions of people around the world have stolen my idea but it does grind my gears that millions of people around the world refer to Christmas sweaters as “ugly sweaters”.

 

There are two main reasons why the term “ugly sweater” bothers me.  The first is that I feel it degrades the festive spirit of Christmas.  It’s not an “ugly sweater” at all; it’s a festive sweater.  I’ve never once heard a Halloween costume called a “Skank costume” or a “Narcissistic Douche Bag costume” even though that’s exactly what most of them are.  No matter how absurd a Halloween costume is they are always called just that, a Halloween costume.  Consequently, Christmas sweaters must be treated with the same respect as Halloween costumes no matter how ridiculous the patterns on the front of the sweater happens to be.

 

The second reason why the term “ugly sweater” grinds my gears is that I feel it’s a term used by people lacking self-confidence.  People hide behind the term “ugly sweater” when they wear a Christmas sweater because they don’t see the fun in the sweater.  Because they don’t see the fun in the sweater they make fun of what they are wearing by calling it an “ugly sweater” before their peers have the opportunity to make fun of the sweater first.  By calling a Christmas sweater an “ugly sweater” people instantly imply that they do not like what they are wearing and are embarrassed by their appearance.

 

The interesting thing about Christmas sweaters is that they are constant and consistent.  I was perusing through The Bay today and saw a Christmas sweater made by Ralph Lauren.  It was a classic knitted sweater with a silhouette of a reindeer surrounded by snowflakes on it.  Intrigued by it’s quality, I checked the price tag of the sweater only to find that it was $150.  The question I would like to know is whether this $150 Ralph Lauren sweater is a Christmas sweater, an “ugly sweater”, or just a sweater made by Ralph Lauren?  I would call it a Christmas sweater but I would bet there are a lot of narcissistic douche bags out there that would call this a sweater by Ralph Lauren.

 

Chili Pepper Cat

An interesting story out of Buffalo, NY surfaced today.  Apparently a guy was pulled over by police for some traffic violation or another.  Upon questioning, the officer heard a noise from the trunk and asked the man to open his truck.  It was then revealed that there was a cat in the trunk soaking in a pot of marinade.  When asked why the cat was marinating in a crushed red pepper, chili pepper, salt and oil marinade the man contested that the cat had been “mean” to him earlier in the day.  I don’t think the guy ever admitted to it but authorities assumed he was going to cook the cat up as a meal.  Surely, this guy’s form of punishment for cats isn’t just to marinade them and give them a bath after they’ve learned their lesson. 

This is one of the most outrageous stories I’ve heard in a while.  I’m not a chef by any means but I’m pretty sure you can’t marinade a living animal that still has its fur.  I feel as though the marinade just wouldn’t take.  Also, I don’t think cats are good eatin’.  The marinade does sound tasty though so I might give that a whirl in the future. 

I couldn’t decide which category to place this article in so let the record show that marinating cats really grinds my gears.

Windows Down System Up

The weather is hot, humid and down right stifling in Halifax right now and it’s this type of weather that brings out a special kind of beauty.  The kind of beauty that checked their sleeves in their mother’s womb, disregarded all hygiene classes in elementary school and developed a rare neurological disorder causing them to think it was awesome to invest all their money in souping up a Neon.

I don’t know what it is but it seems like the majority of people that desire to customize their cars with hideous paint jobs, gigantic spoilers, spinners from Canadian Tire and sound systems that render their trunk useless prefer to do so, on a Dodge Neon.

It’s to the point that if I hear a car pumping music excessively I am confident that that car will be a Neon 8 out of 10 times when I turn to see what all the fuss is about.  In hindsight, it would have been advantageous for Chrysler to focus its restructuring plan last year around building more factory created souped-up Neons. It probably would make the roads safer too because no one would be able to drive much faster then 100 km/hr.

Well I am on the topic of ugly cars, what is up with people buying orange Range Rovers?  Are these people seriously walking into a Range Rover dealership with the intention of buying an $80, 000 car and thinking that orange is their best option?  I don’t know, I don’t get it and it leaves me shaking my head.

What Happens When Bo Jackson Eats a Big Phil Combo at Taco Bell?

The answer to the question in the  title is of course Adult Body Odor.

Every year when the weather gets a little nicer and the temperature gets a little warmer the scent of spicy B.O. can be found filtering throughout the air and every year I continue to be shocked that this occurs.  I understand that it is cold in the winter and the odds of casual sweating are slim but when it gets warm there is no excuse for adults smelling the after math of a Taco Bell binge.  You see, there is this section in every grocery store dedicated to personal hygiene.  In this section there are these little stick things called deodorant.  They range in price from about $1.99 to $6 and it’s almost a certainty that one brand will be on sale at any given time.  Consequently, the cost of one of these little sticks is less or equal to the cost of a single beer.  The beauty about one of these sticks is that it last for about 2 or 3 months where a beer only last for about 10 minutes.  Moreover, it costs mere pennies to deodorize one’s self on a daily basis.

The point to this is, it really grinds my gears when fully grown and seemingly responsible adults walk around like there B.O. doesn’t stink…. Because it does.  Don’t get me wrong; I am fully aware that sometime deodorant wears off towards the end of the day.  I am also aware that if one uses the same deodorant for an extended period of time ones body seems to adopt immunity to such deodorant rendering it completely ineffective and useless.  All I ask is that you be prepared.  If you notoriously have bad B.O. do something about it because your scent is affecting my life.

I don’t typically have a B.O. problem (I guess I’m one of the lucky ones) I do have farts the reek.  I don’t however; walk around like my shits don’t stink.  I wish there was a pill that existed that made my farts smell likely freshly baked cinnamon buns but there isn’t.  There is however deodorant that makes one’s armpits smell like a mountain glacier.  So stop grinding my gears and use it!

This Blog Is What It Is… A Living Breathing Document

The amount of diverse people I interact with on a weekly basis is uncanny.  However, the more someone struggles the more they seem to appeal to me.  My favourite thing about ‘Struggles’ is that they always seem to have stupid clichés or words that they use on a daily basis.  Consequently, this blog is dedicated to ‘sayings’ or ‘words’ that grind my gears.

It doesn’t seem to matter what setting you are in, the saying “it is what it is” seems to come up everywhere!  I worked construction a few years back and our superintendent was obsessed with the saying.  For example, one time my coworker (brother D) and I where told to move a pipe to the dumpster that an excavator dug out of the ground.  The problem was the pipe weighed well over a thousand pounds and we had to carry it about 300 meters. Brother D was a fairly strong middle-aged guy and I am obviously no slouch (not that I’m bragging but it’s really not a big deal… I work out).  We made one feeble attempt to move the pipe knowing full well we had no chance.  We looked at our super and said, “There’s no way we are moving this.”  He looks at us and says, “Well… it is what it is.”  Then he walked away.  Brother D and I looked at each other wondering what the even meant.  I thought to myself, “of course I know what this is… it’s a thousand pound pipe that I have no chance of moving.”  Brother D and I moved on to a new task only to be chewed out 40 minutes later for not moving the pipe.  So, I guess “it is what it is” meant move the unmovable 1000 pound pipe!

In my current job, the saying “living breathing document” gets tossed around multiple times a day like it’s a bodily function and everyone ate beans for breakfast.  Why does a document have to be living and breathing why can’t it just be subject to future change?  It’s not like I can ask a document out on a date and smooch it in copy room.  All I can do with a “living breathing document” in the copy room is copy it and wait until future changes are made to it, take the revised copy back into the copy room and copy it again.

Ever since I moved to the East Coast the terms “everywheres” and “anywheres” are used as commonly as the word “the”.

Question – Where do you want to live?

Answer – Anywheres

Question – Where did you go last night?

Answer – Everywheres

Question – Explain what the dog did when you knocked on the door?

Answer – When I knocked on the door the dog started jumping everywheres and I was like WHOA I want to be anywheres but here!

The best part about the use of “everywheres” and “anywheres” is that it does not discriminate.  The smartest lawyers on the East Coast use it when arguing a case, teachers use it when teaching, and the greasiest son of a bitch you can image uses it the same way.  What makes it even better is that if you call people out on using “everywheres” and “anywheres” they will argue with you until they are blue in the face that it is a real word and that the context they use it in is more then justified.  I have news for you.  My computer looks like the chicken on Family Guy after a fight with Peter Griffen because it is so disgusted with the way I spelled “everywhere” and “anywhere”.  They are not real words!  Get over it and STOP USING THEM!