Addiction to Bad TV is a Bad “Situation”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but it has become apparent that I am addicted to shitty T.V.  The cold months of winter have kept me indoors and watching some of the most mindless and numbing television that exists.  I am honestly one episode of America’s Next Top Model away from ending up on AE’s Intervention.   In the past month I’ve found myself watching the over-hyped Oscars, religiously following The Biggest Loser and even live tweeting the events of The Bachelor finale.  To top it all off, I watched The Roast of Donald Trump on the weekend featuring “The Situation” from Jersey Shore as one of the roasters.

I will admit up front that watching Jersey Shore is also part of my addiction.  That said, I do find the odd episode to be outrageously funny. The MVP combo of Mike, Vinny, and Paulie are typically the driving force behind the laughs on the show but after watching Mike (aka “The Situation”) attempt comedy during The Roast of Donald Trump I think it is pretty evident that the cast of Jersey Shore are funny because they are the joke not because they make good jokes.

Warning:  This video will make your skin crawl with second hand embarrassment.

Charlie Sheen’s WINNING RECIPES

Up until about a month ago I started to find that my meals were becoming stale. It seemed like the LC and I were eating the same five or six meals over and over every night.  Luckily for us, my brother joined us in Halifax at the end of January and with him he brought his Chef at Home cookbook by Michael Smith.  This cookbook is filled with a host of tasty dishes that are actually fairly easy to make.  As much as I’ve appreciated swishing up our meals I’ve determined that Michael Smith himself is not necessarily my style.  Consequently, I started scouring the Food Network for a cooking personality that I could claim as my own.

I was immediately drawn to Giada De Laurentiis (because she’s hot) but her recipes are a little too fancy and a little to time consuming to prepare on a daily basis. Bobby Flay was initially a strong candidate but he’s a bit of a poindexter so I dismissed him.  Rachael Ray didn’t even get considered because she’s just too irritating to listen to.  As a result, I found it difficult to find my “Michael Smith” and thus new and exciting meal recipes. Luckily for me, the Food Network added a new program this past week that fits into my lifestyle perfectly.  It’s called Winning Recipes and it incorporates a dash of “duh” and a splash of “tiger blood” resulting in complete #winning.

Enjoy!

Charlie Sheen’s Winning Recipes from Charlie Sheen

Shirley Temple? I’d Rather Have a Beer

Sometimes I think back to times past and reflect on what life must have been like during certain time periods. One of those time periods is the post-WWII era and the years of the baby boom. During this time period, economic growth and prosperity was like never before, all the while the fear of communism and the constant threat of nuclear war constantly weighed on people’s minds.  Economics and politics aside, I think the worst part of living during this period had to have been the programming on T.V.  All signs indicate that Shirley Temple was the best thing to watch during the late 50s and early 60s with Howdy Doody coming up a close second.  I have no ideas what Howdy Doody is but I do know that Shirley Temple has an entertainment value equal to that off a Darryl Sutter monologue.  If T.V. was this bad when I was a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s I probably would have become a better speller. I truly feel sorry for anyone who grew up looking forward to this show.

Indian Idol Will Rock You… Sing it!

I have no idea how many years American Idol has been around but if I had to hazard a guess I would say about 10.  I’ve never really gotten into American Idol but I have tuned in enough throughout the years to have a handle on the state of the show. I think it’s safe to say that “Idol” has become rather stale in recent years and has correspondingly spawned very few stars (if any) since Carrie Underwood.  That said, the addition of the humorous and eccentric Steven Tyler to this season has been a nice touch.   He is after all, Jim Henson’s greatest creation.

 

In an attempt to find some actual singing talent, I’ve been forced to abandon American Idol and engage some of the other national “Idol” shows.  I tried Canadian Idol but it has been downhill since Kalan Porter (Not like Kalan Porter was a real high point in Canadian music… am I right or am I right?).  I gave British Idol a go but it produces nothing but Liam Gallaghers who dump beer on the judge’s heads or Chris Martins who just seem to make the Brits seem a little bit gayer.  Consequently, it wasn’t until I stumbled across Indian Idol that I actually found something worthwhile.

 

Rather than have a billion Indians show up to a cricket stadium to audition for the show’s top 20 contestants, preliminary contestants send in their audition tapes.  The Indian Idol judges sift through millions of tapes and release only the best of the best to the Indian public.  We at The Whole Ball of Wax have gone through the best of the best and in our opinion this is the Best of the best.

 

Enjoy!

 

A Genius Sends An Idiot Abroad

Ricky Gervais has received a lot of mainstream attention since he hosted the Golden Globe Awards a couple of weeks ago.  At the Golden Globes, he poked fun at Tom Cruise’s questionable sexuality, took a jab at Robert Downie Jr.’s past run ins with the law, and called Steve Carrel “ungrateful” for quitting The Office.  I personally found the jokes hilarious but the stuffy stars of Hollywood did not seem to share my sense of humor.

 

For some reason people seemed surprised at Gervais’ style of humor.  Somehow they forgot that this was the guy who created The Office and Extra’s and solidified himself as a writer and comedian through standup comedy.

 

Rick Gervais has been huge for a couple of years now whether you’ve heard of him or not.  Consequently, he has as much money as Forest Gump after hurricane season.   Gervais has called his newest project, “The most expensive practical joke I’ve ever done.”   It’s better known as An Idiot Abroad and follows the uninformed and unintentionally funny Carl Pilkington to the Seven Wonders of the World.  This is without question, the funniest cultural/travel documentary that has ever existed.  In addition, its Friday midnight timeslot works into my schedules perfectly.  There is after all, no rest for the wicked here at The Whole Ball of Wax.

Man vs Food vs Reduced Life Expectancy

The technology of television is unbelievably fascinating to me.  When I was a kid watching wrestling in the 80s, TV’s were pieces of furniture that sat on the floor of the living room and weighed about 300 lbs.  Now, TV’s are pieces of art mounted on walls that are no thicker than a Gordon Korman book and weigh about 30 lbs.

 

The evolution of TV’s over the last 20 years is both impressive and remarkable. What’s not impressive and remarkable is how dormant and contradictory TV programming is on a nightly basis.  For example, The Biggest Loser on NBC documents the physical and mental process of morbidly obese individuals as they learn to drastically alter their lifestyles while competing against each other to lose the most weight.  This is both a positive and educational show that most North American’s can actually benefit from.   On the other hand, you can flip to OLN on any given night and find a show called Man vs. Food.  For those that have not seen this show, Man vs. Food basically takes everything positive The Biggest Loser has achieved over the last 10 years and marginalizes it with every 30-minute episode.   Man vs. Food follows a guy named Adam Richman around America as he exhibits unique American comfort food and attempts to complete a nearly impossible food eating challenge.

 

Man vs. Food is everything that is wrong with North America.  It promotes excess, greed and poor manners.  If this guy came over to my place for dinner and talked with his mouths full as he moaned with ecstasy, I would have no choice but to thank him for his awkward compliments and kick him the fuck out of my home.  Adam Richman is 30 lbs away from being the likable chubby guy that showcases food around America to competing on the next season of The Biggest Loser.

 

So basically what I’m trying to say here is The Biggest Loser is like a 50 inch plasma mounted on your wall; while, Man vs. Food is like the TV in my grandma’s basement.  It’s outdated, clunky and uses a rotary dial to change the channel.

Life Alert for Life

This world is an unpredictable place and one can never be too safe and caution while living in it, that’s why I just made a call to Life Alert.  Life Alert’s cutting edge and state of the art commercials convinced me that trouble is always right around the corner and that I can never be too prepared for dangerous situations.  If I had a nickel for every time I slipped in the shower and was unable to get up I would have zero extra cents.   However, Life Alert works like insurance.  You may not need it now but when you do… it will be sweet.

 

Back in the day when I was a Sandwich Artist working at Subway we used Life Alert on a daily basis.  For example, a guy asked for extra cheese one day.  I informed him that it would be an extra 50 cents for extra cheese.  He made it very clear that he would be taking the extra cheese but would not be paying the extra 50 cents.  As a result, I was forced to dial into Life Alert.

 

The conversation went something like this:

 

“Sandwich Artist Jordan, this is Life Alert.  Are you OK?”

“Not really, I think this guy wants extra cheese for free!”

“Hold on let me check… THIS IS LIFE ALERT, EXTRA CHEESE COSTS 50 CENTS.  PAY THE EXTRA 50 CENTS OR LEAVE NOW!”

“But Tim Horton’s gives extra cheese for free.”

“I FIND THAT VERY HARD TO BELIEVE, THE PROFIT MARGINS OF PROVIDING EXTRA CHEESE FOR FREE WOULD REDUCE THE TOTAL REVENUE OF A COMPANY TO MERE PENNIES!”

“No no, Tim Horton’s makes all their revenue off of coffee sales.”

“REALLY?  WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE TIM HORTON’S HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT.”

“Yeah, they have a pretty good operation over there.”

“IT SOUNDS LIKE IT!… WELL… HAVE A GOOD DAY.”

 

So then I gave the guy extra cheese for free… All thanks to Life Alert!

 

The Talk Features Six Geese a Laying

I was watching T.V. this afternoon and a show called The Talk came on.  At a glance The Talk appears to be exactly the same as The View but with lower profile hens as the show’s hosts.  The LC informed me that The Talk has claimed to be vastly different from The View.  I’ve been in a few chicken barns in my day so I feel qualified in deciphering the difference between hen parties.

The View features up to five hosts for any given show plus featured guests.  The five regular hosts are comprised of acclaimed news correspondent Barbra Walters, actress Whoopi Goldberg, comedian Joy Behar, actress Sherri Shepherd and some bitch named Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The Talk on the other hand features up to six regular hosts per show.  The Talk boasts the exceptional talents of Big Brother host Julie Chen, Darlene from Roseanne, Jack Osbourn’s mom, some black woman, Stacey Carosi from Saved by the Bell, and some other hack.

Aside from providing continuous examples of how to cluck over someone, both shows tackle riveting issues like how to roost, various egg fertilizing positions, how to lay both white and brown eggs, the difference in corn, wheat, and oat mash (food), how to keep your feathers permanently ruffled, and how to determine if your rooster is faithful or not.

I have looked at these two shows from all angles and the only thing I can find that separates The Talk from The View is that The Talk has a coffee table infront of their couch and The View does not.  Aside from this, these two shows are basically the exact same chicken coop with a different name on the door.

It’s honestly exhilarating stuff!

Mad Men Drink at Work

The LC and I have recently taken a fancy to the AMC show Mad Men.  Set in the 1960s, Mad Men tells the story of an advertising agency and its employees on Madison Ave. in Manhattan.  Historical, political and social references put the overall plot into context but its characters and the development of those characters is what really drives Mad Men.

 

I posted an article called Excellent Adventures several months ago about how I thought it would be sweet to travel back in time to a significant historical period and influence that period with the knowledge and technology of the 21^st century (No, I did not consider the butterfly effect when I wrote the original post).  After watching the first two seasons of Mad Men, it would please me greatly to throw on my veil of ignorance and just live the life of a businessman in the early 1960s.  The life of these “mad men” is incredible.  They show up to work in the morning hacking a dart hands free. They toss their coats at their secretaries without saying a word to them and walk into their offices where they immediately pour themselves a glass of whisky. They smoke some more before taking a few calls.  They continue to drink throughout the day and then take a nap on the couch in their offices. When they wake up, they light another dart and pour another drink.  They scribble some ideas down, pass the buck and call it a day.  They go to their mistresses’ house and make passionate early 1960s style love.  They go home to dinner waiting for them on the table and make the same passionate early 1960s style love to their hot wives.   They shut it down with a clear conscience and repeat the process the next day.

 

Aside from the womanizing and gender and racial segregation, the early 60s seem like the best time ever!  Too bad the hippies had to go and eff it all up!  All I want in life is a bottle of whisky beside my desk that I can help myself to whenever I am stressed, need to think, achieve success, feel like procrastinating or someone comes to talk to me.  Is this too much to ask for in this politically correct and hypersensitive world?

 

The Man, The Myth, The Gemini Award Winner

It’s rare that you can drink alone and not feel like an alcoholic but as of right now I am experiencing one of those rare moments.  Less then an hour ago faithful Whole Ball of Wax reader and all round great guy Jared Keeso won the Gemini Award for his outstanding performance as Don Cherry in Keep Your Head Up Kids: The Don Cherry Story.  In addition, Benjamin Arthur (who is also an all round great guy) won the Gemini for his role in the T.V. show Less Than Kind.  Due to this great news, I am going to proceed to drink until I fall asleep on the couch and spill my beer on my crotch.

By no means do I have an acute knowledge of the Canadian film industry, but I have spent enough time with these two individuals to recognize and appreciate the amount of effort and commitment that goes into being an actor in Canada.  Not always the most glamorous of lifestyles, both Jared and Ben have made substantial sacrifices as they continuously strive to perfect their art.  The nature of the Canadian film industry probably means that the last minute notice for auditions won’t stop for either of these guys but tonight they can take solace in the fact that they are among the best at what they do in the entire country.  There are very few Canadians that can say they are the best in Canada at what they do and because of this rarity The Whole Ball of Wax wishes to congratulate both Jared and Ben for their truly outstanding accomplishments tonight.