Freddie Wants You!

Born in a dank alley on the wrong side of the tracks, Freddie’s life has been an uphill battle since day one.  He spent the first three months of his life in a shelter with a bunch of no good ruffians where he was exposed to an underground world that most of us couldn’t begin to fathom.

When The Whole Ball of Wax first met Freddie at the shelter in 2010, he weighed under a pound, he had a six inch suture on the underside of his belly, and had just been exposed to a deadly disease that threatened his life.  However, Freddie was created with a fighting spirit and a “blue collar” personality that allowed him to persevere and overcome the limiting odds placed on him at birth.

Now a year old, Freddie is in the midst of his next life challenge. He is in the running to be voted the best cat with thumbs in the entire universe!  Along with all the other challenges Freddie was dealt at birth, he was also born a polydactyl which provided him with an additional two thumbs on both of his front paws.  Consequently, he looks like he is constantly wearing oven mitts.

With only one week left in the voting, Freddie is in the fight of his life.  He currently sits in 5th place and just 2 percentage points out of 1st.  With time fading, every vote counts!

This is a challenge to all readers of The Whole Ball of Wax to get on their computers, phones, and ipods to vote for Freddie as many times as possible.  Tell a friend and tell them to tell two more.  Send an email or a text to friends and family near and far and educate them on the greatness of Freddie and his extra thumbs.  Tell them of his struggles and his perseverance and help make Freddie a true rags to riches story.

Freddie needs you and he WANTS YOUR VOTE!

Cast your vote here: http://www.mirror.co.uk/cats-with-thumbs/vote/

The Royal Buck and Doe

With warmer temperatures in the air, buds on the trees and snow all but gone from the forecast; all signs are indicating that the start of Buck and Doe season is upon us.  After several disappointing campaigns, this season is poised to be one of the most promising seasons in more than half a century. Buck and Doe coordinators have exhausted all marketing strategies and have learned from NASCAR schedulers who place their biggest race of the year at the start of every season.  Consequently, this year’s Buck and Doe season will kick the year off right with The Royal Buck and Doe on April 2, 2011.

Set to wed at the end of April, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s will hold their Buck and Doe this weekend at the Royal Ag Hall. The Royal Jester Wicky will be in attendance and spinning tracks for the Royal Affair while demanding that, “Every guy grab a girl and get out on the dance floor huah huah huah!”  It is also expected that Wicky will increase the Royal Volume to 11 as the night progresses causing the Royal Conversations to adjust to a Royal Yell.

Rumor has it, the Royal Party Shop has already processed an order for two Royal Helium Balloons that will be placed on the Royal Belt Loops of the Royal Couple.  This will allow all in attendance to clearly identify the Royal Couple from across the Royal Room should they care to seek them out for a Royal Handshake or Royal Hug.  Sources also indicate that a Royal Shopper was spotted buying several loaves of Royal Wonder Bread, several dozen Royal Eggs, and 5 jars of Royal Miracle Whip.  With this type of purchase, one can only anticipate that the Royal Wedding Party has settled on Royal Egg Salad Sandwiches as the Royal Midnight Snack.

It is expected that there will be a Royal Tuppence Toss for a Royal Box of Royal Melba Toast and a silent Royal Auction with Royal Prizes that include an empty Royal Cooler and homemade Royal Garden Art.

The Royal Bar will be fully stocked with four types of Royal Beer including; Royal Bud Light, Royal Coors Light, Royal Blue Light and Royal Crystal. For the harder Royal, there will be a Royal Hard Bar complete with Royal Potters Vodka, Royal Black Velvet Whisky, and Royal Bacardi White Rum.

Royal Festivities will conclude around 1:00 AM with the majority of the Royal Crowd expected to take the party to the Royal Anchor while the Royal Couple sticks around to help stack the Royal Chairs and dry mop the Royal Floors.

All in all, it should be a Royal Good Time!

A Band of Brothers Like No Other

…We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother…

Henry V – Act 4, Scene 3

These words from King Henry to his men before heading into battle in Shakespeare’s Henry V epitomize the bond that few occupations posses.  Firefighters are among these few.

Today, my home town of Listowel laid two of its finest firefighters to rest after they gave the town their lives while responding to a massive downtown fire on March 17, 2011. The joint funerals of Ken Rae and Ray Walter at Listowel Memorial Arena not only celebrated the lives of these two remarkable men but accentuated the unique brotherhood that all firefighters share.  Thousands of fireman from across the continent congregated in the tiny community to pay their respects to their fallen comrades. They created a sea of black that snaked for several kilometers down Main Street as they filed behind the hearses destined for the arena.

As I watched the funeral procession and service online today, I was overwhelmed with feelings of both sadness and pride. The feelings of sadness are obvious but the pride that filled my chest as I watched thousands of men and women in black uniforms flank the streets of Listowel was incredible.  I was proud because nameless firefighters reached out to a shaken community in a time of need. I was proud because I knew this overwhelming support helped the people of Listowel stand on their feet during a time when many wanted to lie down. I was proud to see the international firefighting community stand together and pay their respects to their fallen brothers.  And finally, I was proud to know that their are literally thousands of men and women that are willing to put it all on the line to protect their communities the same way Ken and Ray did should the fateful call arise.

The risks firefighters face on a daily basis are often mitigated and overlooked by their remarkable skills; however, the events in Listowel on March 17, 2011 are a humbling reminded of these risks.  Firefighters stand together, succeed together and grieve together.  They truly are a remarkable band of brothers.

Charlie Sheen’s WINNING RECIPES

Up until about a month ago I started to find that my meals were becoming stale. It seemed like the LC and I were eating the same five or six meals over and over every night.  Luckily for us, my brother joined us in Halifax at the end of January and with him he brought his Chef at Home cookbook by Michael Smith.  This cookbook is filled with a host of tasty dishes that are actually fairly easy to make.  As much as I’ve appreciated swishing up our meals I’ve determined that Michael Smith himself is not necessarily my style.  Consequently, I started scouring the Food Network for a cooking personality that I could claim as my own.

I was immediately drawn to Giada De Laurentiis (because she’s hot) but her recipes are a little too fancy and a little to time consuming to prepare on a daily basis. Bobby Flay was initially a strong candidate but he’s a bit of a poindexter so I dismissed him.  Rachael Ray didn’t even get considered because she’s just too irritating to listen to.  As a result, I found it difficult to find my “Michael Smith” and thus new and exciting meal recipes. Luckily for me, the Food Network added a new program this past week that fits into my lifestyle perfectly.  It’s called Winning Recipes and it incorporates a dash of “duh” and a splash of “tiger blood” resulting in complete #winning.

Enjoy!

Charlie Sheen’s Winning Recipes from Charlie Sheen

A Genius Sends An Idiot Abroad

Ricky Gervais has received a lot of mainstream attention since he hosted the Golden Globe Awards a couple of weeks ago.  At the Golden Globes, he poked fun at Tom Cruise’s questionable sexuality, took a jab at Robert Downie Jr.’s past run ins with the law, and called Steve Carrel “ungrateful” for quitting The Office.  I personally found the jokes hilarious but the stuffy stars of Hollywood did not seem to share my sense of humor.

 

For some reason people seemed surprised at Gervais’ style of humor.  Somehow they forgot that this was the guy who created The Office and Extra’s and solidified himself as a writer and comedian through standup comedy.

 

Rick Gervais has been huge for a couple of years now whether you’ve heard of him or not.  Consequently, he has as much money as Forest Gump after hurricane season.   Gervais has called his newest project, “The most expensive practical joke I’ve ever done.”   It’s better known as An Idiot Abroad and follows the uninformed and unintentionally funny Carl Pilkington to the Seven Wonders of the World.  This is without question, the funniest cultural/travel documentary that has ever existed.  In addition, its Friday midnight timeslot works into my schedules perfectly.  There is after all, no rest for the wicked here at The Whole Ball of Wax.

This Needs to Stop

There’s been a lot of fan mail coming in as of late asking about the LC and what she is up to.  In order to dispel the rumors that she has succumb to the Fun Dip, it is my privilege to announce that The Whole Ball of Wax’s gossip insider has started up a side project with three others called, This Needs To Stop.  This blog dabbles in a plethora of topics ranging from Bruce Jenner’s unreal hair to movie reviews.  This blog is so hot and hip it makes US Weekly look like an aborted fetus on the floor of a McDonald’s washroom after a homeless guy shit himself in the stall while smoking crystal meth.  I’m personally so inspired by this blog that I’ll be coming out with my own sex tape next week.

In the words of Kenny Powers, “Perez Hilton, you’re fucking out!  This Needs To Stop, you’re fucking in!” Pffffffffff.

Mud Flaps

While I was at the gym today a song on the radio caught my attention.  I was drawn in by the baritone voice of the singer and wondered who owned the soothing voice.  It took about five seconds of wracking my brain to identify the voice as that of pop diva Cher.  As I listened to Cher make my voice sound high I thought to myself, “where does Cher get off?”

As soon as Sonny and Cher ceased to exist, Cher started parading around in fishnet stockings and a little flap of cloth that barely covered her crotch.  I’m sure there is the odd grease ball out there that actually finds Cher attractive and loves the suggestive nature of her flap; however, if Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Miley Cyrus danced around on stage wearing fishnets and a crotch flap they would be nailed to a cross and probably forced to enter some sort of rehab.

The media holds a ridiculous double standard when it comes to female pop singers.  Old disgusting women like Cher and Madonna have a free pass to dress like ‘pros’; while, young attractive trendsetters are under constant media scrutiny and ridicule.  In order to maintain consistency, there needs to be a mandatory flap rule implemented for all female pop singers.  This way there will be no talk of who is pushing the envelope… there will only be a question of who wears the flap best.

The Whole Ball of Wax: Behind The Blogging

After 9 months of blogging, The Whole Ball of Wax’s has reached a significant milestone with the publication of its 100th post.  The Editor and Chief of The Whole Ball of Wax (Jordan) could use this opportunity to write something profound, but if The Simpson’s has taught Jordan anything it’s that when you reach a milestone you take that opportunity to reflect on your production to date.  Jordan also learned that the milestone episodes of The Simpson’s are traditionally the worst ones. Consequently, he apologizes in advance if this milestone post is a snoozer.

 

The Whole Ball of Wax was a lingering brainchild in the back of Jordan’s mind for a long time but never amounted to anything tangible until his pure hatred for the show Friends served as a starting point for the type of blogs he wanted to produce.  As a result, on April 2, 2010 the first article for The Whole Ball of Wax was published called Friends? Still?

 

Over the next month Jordan dabbled in as many topics as he possibly could in an effort to fulfill The Whole Ball of Wax’s mandate to be an all-encompassing source of information.  Jordan provided commentary on the Tiger Woods scandal; he showed his serious and historical side by addressing the anniversary of The Battle of Vimy Ridge, and produced the first of many “Grind My Gears” topics about how the saying, “it is what it is” really bothers him.  Despite the popularity of all these posts, it was his post called, “Battle of the Butts” that gave The Whole Ball of Wax and Jordan real notoriety.  This post about a dancing fart exploited the public’s perception on the topic and redefined the direction of The Whole Ball of Wax.

 

It became apparent to Jordan that he could try as hard as he wanted to educate his readers about historical and political events but what his readers really wanted to read were posts about farts, poops, and other low brow topics.  Consequently, The Whole Ball of Wax began publishing numerous posts about B.O., puke, and Jordan’s pooping habits.  These posts were received with unanimous approval; however, Jordan knew that he needed to get more out of his posts to satisfy his personal need to write about meaningful topics.

 

By the time Jordan realized The Whole Ball of Wax was no longer heading in the direction he wanted it was mid-November.  By this point Jordan was over-worked, exhausted, and in no position to change the direction of The Whole Ball of Wax.  To make matters worse, Jordan started abusing Fun Dip and Swedish Berries… His life was spiraling out of control.

 

By mid-December it had been a month since The Whole Ball of Wax had published an article. Luckily for Jordan and The Whole Ball of Wax, the LC got Jordan out of his hostile environment and took him to Ontario to spend Christmas with his family.  During the holidays, Jordan remembered why he started The Whole Ball of Wax in the first place and published a State of the Union article vowing to get things back on track and committed to publishing more articles.  It was on this day that Jordan shook the Fun Dip for good and switched from Swedish Berries to sugar free Big Feet.

 

Jordan is back in Halifax healthier than ever and Fun Deep free.  The Whole Ball of Wax has slowly regained the prowess it maintained in the early fall of 2010 and is showing signs of taking its posts to the next level.

 

For the Boys

Twitter has expanded my mind in remarkable ways since signing up a couple of months ago.  I have been exposed to hilarious tweeters and bloggers who touch on numerous subjects. However, the golden nugget of twitter that has caught my attention like no other is a website called girlsinyogapants.com.  To me, this website is hilarious, filled with unsuspecting girls caught in both flattering and unflattering positions and girls that try way too hard.  There is nothing quite as pathetic as a girl posting a picture of themself standing in front of a mirror with their butt stuck out as far as they can stick it…. Oh wait yeah there is, posting a picture of themself doing the exact same thing on hotornot.com.

Major Dick Winters

Last night a tweet from Tom Hanks informed me that one of my heroes died last week.  Major Dick Winters died on January 2^nd at the age of 92 after succumbing to a long battle with Parkinson’s disease.

 

An ordinary man in his own eyes, Maj. Winters rose to fame in 1992 with the publication of Stephen Ambrose’s book Band of Brothers.  This bestseller documents the story of Maj. Winters and E Company of the 506^th Regiment in the 101^st Airborne Division of the U.S. Army from D Day to VE Day.  Maj. Winters obtained his place in mainstream infamy in 2001 when Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks produced the story of Maj. Winters and E Company in a 10 part mini series based on Ambrose’s bestseller also called Band of Brothers.

 

A couple of years ago I picked up Maj. Winters memoirs called Beyond Band of Brothers.  In those memoirs Maj. Winters talked about his desire during the war to make it home safely and live his life in peace.  After the war, Maj. Winters lived a quiet and private life mostly outside of Hersey, Pennsylvania where he worked for himself as a farm supply salesman.  As a decorated war veteran, he is noted for his leadership and ability to lead by example in tough situations. However, he was never comfortable with the term “hero” when describing himself and that is why prior to his passing he requested that his death be kept private until after his funeral, which took place this past week.

 

It’s difficult to say how the story of a man I have never met and that is 66 years older than myself has resonated so deeply within me.  However, I think the appeal of Maj. Winters’ story is that it is one of an ordinary man who did extraordinary things because unforeseen circumstances required it of him.  All the while, he remained humble and indebted to his fellow soldiers.

 

I’m sure there are thousands of stories from WWII that are similar to Maj. Winters but most of those veterans are no longer with us to share their stories.  The average living WWII veteran is in their late 80s and some 1000 WWII veterans die worldwide everyday.  Time is running out to celebrate the lives of these living heroes but thanks to the documentation in Band of Brothers, Major Dick Winter will live in infamy.