Local Saviour

Some readers of The Whole Ball of Wax are already fully aware of Listowel, Ontario’s two-week St. Patrick’s Day festival called Paddy Fest put on by the local Kinsmen and Kinettes.  I’ve never actually attended Paddy Fest but I think I get the gist of how it works.  It’s basically a combination of drinking, beauty pageants and concerts geared toward those who like country music.  One of those most entertaining and crowd-pleasing elements of Paddy Fest has always been the arm wrestling tournament.  Again, I’ve never seen it but I know my cousin Joint Boy has won it many times and looks possessed while he decimates his opponents.

 

The popularity of Paddy Fest has raised tones of money for the Kinsmen and Kinettes who in turn put the money back into the local community.  However, rumor has it that Paddy Fest is no longer turning a profit and a big reason for this is that the arm wrestling tournament has gone stale on the locals.  Despite the fact that I have not lived in Listowel for quite some time I have been itching for an opportunity to give back to the town that gave me the opportunity to give you The Whole Ball of Wax.  Consequently, I am single handedly going to save Paddy Fest this March.

 

Three words….

 

EXTREME – ARM – WRESTLING

 

Picture yourself in Listowel Memorial Arena and envision Joint Boy tapped to his opponent and strapped to an arm wrestling table.  Now envision Joint Boy’s eyes turning to dollar signs as he fights like a whore and beats the crap out of his opponent.  That’s what the Kinsmen and Kinettes will be doing after they read this post and watch this video..

 

 

P. S. – I totally made up the part about Paddy Fest not turning a profit.  I honestly have no idea about the finances of Paddy Fest… I’m sure they’re doing fine though.

 

State of Emergency has Newfoundlander’s Jonesin’ for a Cold Drink

The Avalon Peninsula in Newfoundland was pounded by Hurricane Igor today, which caused a number of towns and cities to declare states of emergency.  After seeing the damage and hearing the personal stories of many Newfoundlanders, it made me thankful that Hurricane Earl was such a joke when it passed over Halifax a couple of weeks ago.

There was the one man who’s abandoned boat and fishing nets blew into his neighbours yard.  Now the army will have to be called in to move the boat back to its rightful place on the guy’s front yard.

There was the other guy whose sitting pale had to be flipped right side up to catch the water leaking through his ceiling.  Now the guy has nowhere to sit and will be forced to stand until Igor has cleared the area.

There was the one house whose street side mailbox disappeared.  Where is the welfare cheque going to go now?  One things for sure, the mailman isn’t going to go out of his way to deliver the cheque unless this house gets a new mailbox pronto.

The most devastating and region wide problem is the loss of power.  Most Newfoundlanders are out of cold beer and have begun drinking the warm ones that hadn’t yet had a chance to make it to the fridge.  Unless power is restored in time for the liquor stores to open tomorrow it is expected that absolute chaos and pandemonium will sweep through the region… Wrestlemania style.

In all seriousness though, it does look pretty bad over there so somebody should probably go and help them out.

Bowling – East Coast Style

Due to popular demand here’s my second video blog.  The LC and I went on a double date to the local bowlarama and I had to record a video of just how ghetto the bowling situation is here on the East Coast.  People in the Maritimes are so in the dark about bowling technology they speak of automatic scoring like it is science fiction and refer to real 10-pin bowling as “Big Ball Bowling”.

Great fisherman on the East Coast though… so they have that going for them.

Hurricane Earl

I thought this would be a good opportunity to produce my first video blog. I’m not sure how I feel about video blogs but maybe I’ll give another one a go sometime.  Hope you Enjoy!

Dinner with the Potato Head’s on Potato Island

A couple of weeks ago the LC and I travelled to Cavendish, P.E.I to attend a dinner party with the Potato Head’s and Anne Shirley.  I hadn’t been to P.E.I for a number of years so I was really looking forward to it.  Also, Mr. Potato Head and his wife are always a riot when we get together so it is always an adventure to see them.

The weather was great and the beaches were empty so it was a real peach of a weekend in Cavendish.  The dinner part was no exception… a complete gong show from start to finish.  We show up to Anne’s house and there were like 30 Japanese tourists peaking in her windows taking pictures with some of the most spectacular looking cameras I had ever seen. We were a little early so we sat down with Anne and had a few Raspberry Cordials and she told us of all the mischief she had gotten into that day.  Then the Potato Head’s walked in.  What a mess those two are!  Mr. Potato Head’s glasses were on his butt, his eye was coming out of where his arm should be and his hair was on his right foot.  Mrs. Potato Head was a little better but she was missing a nose and she had a man’s hairdo for some reason… I don’t know which was more distracting.

Anyway, when we sat down for dinner Mrs. Potato Head kept asking if things smelled all right and Mr. Potato Head kept saying, “Yes, it all smells fine.  You’d be able to enjoy it more if you remembered your nose!”

She would retaliate with, “You’re one to talk, your glasses are on your ass.”

To which Mr. Potato Head replied, “At least if I put my glasses on the right side of my head I would have a nose to rest them on.”

“At least my hair is on the top of my head.”  Mrs. Potato Head shouted.

“At least my hair suits my gender!” Bellowed Mr. Potato Head.

“Stop it, you’re making a scene.” Whispered Mrs. Potato Head.

The LC and I just looked at each other snickering under our breath.  It was at this point one of the Japanese tourists crashed through the window and snipped off one of Anne’s famous red braids!  The rest of the Japanese tourists proceeded to snap pictures of the dinner party through the broken window which caused Anne to run to her room crying and Mrs. Potato Head to become hysterical and faint.  This promptly ended the dinner party before it was finished.  The LC and I supplemented our half dinner with a bag of chips and a bottle of water from the local ESSO gas station.

A trip well worth it!

Big Harbour Gossip

There is no down time for Theodore Tugboat in the ‘Big Harbour’.  He lives at the dock on the Halifax waterfront but travels deep into the Narrows performing daily tasks to help keep the harbour clear of smart-ass ships and ding bat cargo.

Just the other day he sailed into the narrows past my apartment so I invited him in for a beer.  He said he would be fine with a liter of diesel so that is what he got.  We sat and shot the bull for a bit and then he broke down and started to cry and go on about how Emily left him and that she had been having an affair with George since like 1998.  He said he was always a little suspicious but decided to confront her about it after seeing them rubbing tires in the Basin.  Anyway,

the guy was rightfully pretty bent out of shape about the whole thing.  However, he sailed past my apartment about an hour ago with a big shit-eating grin on his face (pictured).  Apparently, him and Lucy have been tugging containers a lot lately and spent last night tooting their horns (apparently that’s a pretty big deal for tug boats). So, it sounds like he is back on the waves and tuggin’ his non-existent ass off.

So Much More Then Just Rocks!

Most readers of this blog do not live in Nova Scotia so I will share this little adventure with you.

Recently the LC and I decided to jump in the soccer mom mobile and take a little drive to Peggy’s Cove to breath in some sea air and play on the rocks.  Although we have both been to Peggy’s Cove on a few occasions it is a small little place that I really enjoy and have no problem driving the 45 km from Halifax to get there.

I can’t believe that it hadn’t dawned on me before but Peggy’s Cove has to be one of Canada’s best natural parkour playgrounds.  The rocks around there have “broken foot and ankle” written all over them.  There is actual a sign on the lighthouse saying something to the effect that many people have been rewarded with death when visiting Peggy’s Cove due to foolish behaviour.  The LC and I tossed such warnings out the window and parkoured our asses off until the waves came home.  The LC is pictured leaping over a mighty chasm that surely would have cost her her life had she made any errors.  I can say with joy that the LC survived the experience and lived to parkour another day.

In addition to the picturesque scenery of Peggy’s Cove, is a monument commemorating those who died on Swiss Air 111 in 1998.  Reports indicated that the plane crashed 8 km off Peggy’s Cove while dumping fuel in preparation for an emergency landing in Halifax but many retired RCMP investigators have recently come forward with a conspiracy theory suggesting the crash was a covered up terrorist act.  I’ll leave such speculation up to those who like to speculate on such affairs but 229 people died on that flight and there is a rather nice monument remembering those who perished.

Peggy’s Cove, check it out if you’re in the area.