Windows Down System Up

The weather is hot, humid and down right stifling in Halifax right now and it’s this type of weather that brings out a special kind of beauty.  The kind of beauty that checked their sleeves in their mother’s womb, disregarded all hygiene classes in elementary school and developed a rare neurological disorder causing them to think it was awesome to invest all their money in souping up a Neon.

I don’t know what it is but it seems like the majority of people that desire to customize their cars with hideous paint jobs, gigantic spoilers, spinners from Canadian Tire and sound systems that render their trunk useless prefer to do so, on a Dodge Neon.

It’s to the point that if I hear a car pumping music excessively I am confident that that car will be a Neon 8 out of 10 times when I turn to see what all the fuss is about.  In hindsight, it would have been advantageous for Chrysler to focus its restructuring plan last year around building more factory created souped-up Neons. It probably would make the roads safer too because no one would be able to drive much faster then 100 km/hr.

Well I am on the topic of ugly cars, what is up with people buying orange Range Rovers?  Are these people seriously walking into a Range Rover dealership with the intention of buying an $80, 000 car and thinking that orange is their best option?  I don’t know, I don’t get it and it leaves me shaking my head.

Saturday’s are Reserved for Shower Days

Statistics show that The Whole Ball of Wax receives the fewest number of visitors on Saturdays.  Infact, the three Saturday’s before yesterday each had zero visitors.  Here is a list of the top ten things The Whole Ball of Wax readers do on Saturday’s instead of reading The Whole Ball of Wax.

10.  Go rock bass fishing at the local dam.  Catch a rock bass, put it back, catch it again.

9.  Survey the neighbourhood yard sales looking for an illusive and rare aluminum Easton hockey shaft.

8.  Attend 4H Club meetings because you discovered 4H is 4U.

7.  Stream LIVE Indian cricket matches on your computer because you’re looking to take a nap

6.  Saturdays are devoted to updating your Facebook status hourly so your “friends” know exactly what you are doing.  For future reference, status should read “John Smith is NOT reading The Whole Ball of Wax”

5.  Revolve your day around pre-drinking for the Buck and Doe that night.

4. Read Harry Potter Books on a blue velvet chair you found in the alley behind your apartment building.

3.  You tried to visit The Whole Ball of Wax but end up at The Whole Ball of Wax in a Nutshell, which caused you to become too enlightened for this blog.

2. Visit the local Two Way Petting Zoo.  You pet the animals, they pet you back.

1.    You knew that there would be nothing new posted because I don’t even visit The Whole Ball of Wax on Saturdays.

A Series of Self-Posed Questions and Answers Regarding Twilight

Twilight Eclipse is set to hit the big screen in a couple of weeks, which has created quite a buzz amongst tweens, teens, and adults who don’t wash.  I’m often asked my opinion on the Twilight Saga.  Here are some of my thoughts.

Did I read the Twilight books?  No I didn’t.  I don’t do fiction.

Did I like the previous movies?  I can’t really comment on that because I’m not a fifteen year old girl that finds Robert Pattinson’s “Robert Smith” hair style sexy.

Am I excited for the new chapter in the Twilight saga?  No, I’m not. I’m an adult who washes on a daily basis.

Was I excited when the LC told me she saw Robert Pattinson at the Starbucks in our apartment building last year?  No I wasn’t, I didn’t know who Robert Pattinson was.

Was I slightly more excited when the LC told me he was the star of the Twilight movies? No I wasn’t, I had never heard of the Twilight movies.

Do I find Kristen Stewart attractive? Slightly.

Does she look like she has a strange smell about her?  Yeah, she does. She looks like she smells like feet.

Do I even know what Twilight Eclipse is about?  No I don’t because as I previously mentioned I’m an adult and I wash myself on a daily basis.

Will Twilight Eclipse be a big winner on opening day?  No, but by no means will it be the biggest loser at the theater on opening day.

That’s it… that’s all I know about Twilight.

Dinner with the Potato Head’s on Potato Island

A couple of weeks ago the LC and I travelled to Cavendish, P.E.I to attend a dinner party with the Potato Head’s and Anne Shirley.  I hadn’t been to P.E.I for a number of years so I was really looking forward to it.  Also, Mr. Potato Head and his wife are always a riot when we get together so it is always an adventure to see them.

The weather was great and the beaches were empty so it was a real peach of a weekend in Cavendish.  The dinner part was no exception… a complete gong show from start to finish.  We show up to Anne’s house and there were like 30 Japanese tourists peaking in her windows taking pictures with some of the most spectacular looking cameras I had ever seen. We were a little early so we sat down with Anne and had a few Raspberry Cordials and she told us of all the mischief she had gotten into that day.  Then the Potato Head’s walked in.  What a mess those two are!  Mr. Potato Head’s glasses were on his butt, his eye was coming out of where his arm should be and his hair was on his right foot.  Mrs. Potato Head was a little better but she was missing a nose and she had a man’s hairdo for some reason… I don’t know which was more distracting.

Anyway, when we sat down for dinner Mrs. Potato Head kept asking if things smelled all right and Mr. Potato Head kept saying, “Yes, it all smells fine.  You’d be able to enjoy it more if you remembered your nose!”

She would retaliate with, “You’re one to talk, your glasses are on your ass.”

To which Mr. Potato Head replied, “At least if I put my glasses on the right side of my head I would have a nose to rest them on.”

“At least my hair is on the top of my head.”  Mrs. Potato Head shouted.

“At least my hair suits my gender!” Bellowed Mr. Potato Head.

“Stop it, you’re making a scene.” Whispered Mrs. Potato Head.

The LC and I just looked at each other snickering under our breath.  It was at this point one of the Japanese tourists crashed through the window and snipped off one of Anne’s famous red braids!  The rest of the Japanese tourists proceeded to snap pictures of the dinner party through the broken window which caused Anne to run to her room crying and Mrs. Potato Head to become hysterical and faint.  This promptly ended the dinner party before it was finished.  The LC and I supplemented our half dinner with a bag of chips and a bottle of water from the local ESSO gas station.

A trip well worth it!

Big Harbour Gossip

There is no down time for Theodore Tugboat in the ‘Big Harbour’.  He lives at the dock on the Halifax waterfront but travels deep into the Narrows performing daily tasks to help keep the harbour clear of smart-ass ships and ding bat cargo.

Just the other day he sailed into the narrows past my apartment so I invited him in for a beer.  He said he would be fine with a liter of diesel so that is what he got.  We sat and shot the bull for a bit and then he broke down and started to cry and go on about how Emily left him and that she had been having an affair with George since like 1998.  He said he was always a little suspicious but decided to confront her about it after seeing them rubbing tires in the Basin.  Anyway,

the guy was rightfully pretty bent out of shape about the whole thing.  However, he sailed past my apartment about an hour ago with a big shit-eating grin on his face (pictured).  Apparently, him and Lucy have been tugging containers a lot lately and spent last night tooting their horns (apparently that’s a pretty big deal for tug boats). So, it sounds like he is back on the waves and tuggin’ his non-existent ass off.

Gary Bettman VS. Pee Wee Herman in an ALL OUT DEATH MATCH!

Without question the fight of the century is taking place tomorrow night at UFC 115 in Vancouver, BC.  The highly anticipated match will see the Commissioner of the NHL, Gary Bettman take on the star of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Pee Wee Herman in an all out death match.  The unadvertised and highly controversial match will commence at 8 pm (PT) in the concourse of GM Place and is expected to draw fans from all over the world.

The match is expected to be highly contested with an end result easily going either way.  Both combatants have exactly the same specs, fighting style and haircut.  The only factors that could reduce the overall quality of this fight are Bettman’s strong desire to move the fight to Glendale, Arizona and the fact that Gary Bettman and Pee Wee Herman are the EXACT SAME PERSON!  Consequently, spectators will have a real life Fight Club on their hands.

Pee Wee Herman will take the match of the century compliments of a challenge to Bettman to not shake his head while he speaks.  Bettman will become so frustrated by his inability to perform such a simple task that he will kill himself by overdosing on overpriced cotton candy and bottled water.

A death match for the ages!

Excellent Adventures

The chorus to Rod Stewart’s song “Ooh La La” goes,

I wish – that – I knew what I know now when I was younger

I wish – that – I knew what I know now when I was stronger

I’m not very old so I don’t often find myself longing to go back to grade 6 so that I can demonstrate the unreal math skills I obtained in high school.  Nor do I long to go back to novice hockey and be the only player on the team that knows where to stand on a 1-2-2 forecheck.  What I do long for is to go back in time with the technologies the world has today.

Think about this!

You’re fighting against the British in the Battle of Waterloo and all the British dummies line up in a stupid line 50 paces away from you (like the idiots all soldiers seemed to be back in the day).  Then, before the British have time drop to one knee and listen for the “fire” command, you pull out a XM312 .50 cal machine gun (I assume this is a sweet gun… Wikipedia told me so) and you mow down the entire British army before any of them have time to say, “Blow Me” (look up the British meaning).  You then become Napoleon’s best friend who you later kill with your XM312 .50 cal machine gun and become the ruler of France!

Or

You travel back to the 1910s and are playing hockey for the Toronto Blueshirts.  However, you take all the best gear with you and modern training methods and systems.  You finish the 12 game season with 537 shots on net and 534 goals because lets face it goalies had no idea what they were doing back in the day and all players appeared to be in slow motion.  Which is funny because if you watch old WWI videos it looks like all the soldiers are marching at an incredibly fast pace.  So, if hockey players look like they are skating slowly they must hardly be moving.

Finally

You’re living in Portugal in the 15^th century and competing with Spain for sea and trading supremacy.  The king of Portugal is looking for some more territory to expand the Portuguese Empire and obtain much needed resources.  The king is displeased with the explorers he has commissioned to find this new land because they can’t seem to figure out how to not sail in circles.  You go to the king with your private jet and tell him you’ll find new land 5000 kms away and be back by dinner.  He says, “No way!”  You do it, and marry 534 Portuguese Princesses (One for each goal you scored in the 1912 NHL hockey season) and live happily ever after with your private jet in the 15^th century.

Glee: Two Thumbs Up For A Refreshing Idea But One Hand Over My Eyes For Bringing The Awkward!

It seems that everyone is talking about the show Glee lately and I must say that the concept and content of Glee is both progressive and refreshing.  For those who haven’t seen the show, Glee is about a glee club that struggles to find their way in an athletically centered high school.  In their daily lives, the glee club address a number of sensitive issues like teen pregnancy, bullying and racism while putting their own spin on popular songs along the way.

On paper, I am a huge fan of this show and in many regards I actually do like it but GOD does it bring the awkward on a consistent basis!  One of my favourite things about live theatre is closely watching the ensemble as they over act and desperately try to upstage the stars of the show.  Glee provides me this same joy on a weekly basis every time they break into another musical number.  The rather flamboyant character Kurt is the best to watch in my opinion.

Despite every character in the show having the acting talent of the ensemble of Cats, the main character Mr. Schuester brings the awkward like no other.  It’s honestly tough to describe how awkward this guy is unless you’ve seen the show, but picture John McCain, Monica Lewinsky, Big Country Reeves and Dr. Phil having a kitchen dance party naked and that’s pretty much how I feel every time Mr. Schuester appears on screen.